Albanese weighs in after Canada demands Vegemite shipment be destroyed

Canada has issued an edict that could force an Australian café owner to destroy $8000 worth of Vegemite – the black gold of breakfast, that savoury smear of Southern Hemisphere superiority.

Leighton Walters, a dual Australian-Canadian citizen and the proud owner of award-winning Found Coffee in Toronto, is now caught in an international standoff that involves Canadian regulators, vitamin-enriched condiments, and a surprisingly fired-up Prime Minister Anthony Albanese.

“I grew up as a Vegemite kid eating it for breakfast every second day,” Walters told CBC Toronto, establishing himself as both nostalgic and aggressively Australian. His café has been serving Aussies, Canadians and confused tourists with Vegemite-laden toast for years – until Canadian authorities dropped the boom.

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency (CFIA), armed with clipboards and presumably zero joy, determined that Walters' most recent Vegemite shipment was laced with contraband – namely, vitamins.

“The Vegemite product being sold was found to have added vitamins which are not permitted in this product as per the Food and Drug Regulations,” a CFIA spokesperson wrote, as though vitamins were some sort of dangerous street drug. In fairness, B vitamins do increase energy levels; maybe they’re worried people will start jogging in the snow.

The ruling has left Walters devastated and Canada’s expat population dangerously low on yeasty nostalgia.

“Pulling Vegemite off our shelves hits at the core and the heart of our brand,” said Walters, noting the café's identity revolves around this brown, bitter beacon of Aussie pride. To drive the point home, he offered a metaphor that can only be described as delightfully unhinged.

“It would be similar to a Canadian entrepreneur moving to Australia, starting an amazing poutine shop and then bringing in this beautiful, sort of high quality, unique maple syrup from Canada, and then the Australian government turning around and saying, ‘No you can’t serve that maple syrup because the trees weren’t in a controlled environment when they were tapped’ or ‘They’re too sweet.’”

The café owner’s impassioned defence continued with a dramatic flair usually reserved for courtroom dramas and soap operas: “As an Australian-Canadian citizen, I am torn and shocked to have awoken from surgery to receive a demand for destruction of our entire supply of our iconic Aussie Vegemite claiming ‘non-compliance’ citing concerns due to added B Vitamins.”

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister of Australia himself has weighed in. Anthony Albanese, known for dropping carbs and the occasional quote, took a strong diplomatic stance during a recent election campaign pit stop.

“I stand with the Aussie cafe owner …!” he declared. “I can confirm here today that I am pro-Vegemite. And, indeed, I actually put a lot of Vegemite on my toast when I ate bread.”

He continued: “It’s rather odd that they’re letting Marmite in – which is rubbish, frankly. Let’s be clear here. Pro-Vegemite, anti-Marmite. That’s my position.”

With the prime minister now onboard and Australia’s diplomatic energy levels artificially boosted by illegal B vitamins, it remains unclear how this savoury standoff will end. As Walters puts it: “Even if we are unsuccessful and we can’t get Vegemite back, at least we went down trying.”

Images: ABC News, Leighton Walters