Search

If you have money anxiety, knowing your financial attachment style can help

<div class="theconversation-article-body"><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/ylva-baeckstrom-1463175">Ylva Baeckstrom</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/kings-college-london-1196">King's College London</a> The number of people struggling with money in Britain is at a <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/money/2024/mar/18/record-numbers-of-uk-people-in-debt-warns-charity">record high</a>. Financial charities say that people are contacting them for help with debt, paying bills and insolvency. The campaign group Debt Justice found in a <a href="https://debtjustice.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/WalnutOmnibus-Debt-Justice-Policy-Development-Weighted.xlsx">survey</a> that 29% of 18- to 24-year-olds and 25% of 25- to 34-year-olds had missed three or more bill payments in the last six months. A majority (65%) of people don’t think they can survive on their savings for three months without <a href="https://www.money.co.uk/savings-accounts/savings-statistics">borrowing money</a>. Statistics from the UK’s financial markets regulator show that more than one-third of UK adults have less than £1,000 in savings. And a survey by Money.co.uk found that 30% of Brits aged 25-64 do not save at all <a href="https://www.pensionsage.com/pa/Nearly-one-third-of-Brits-are-not-saving-for-retirement.php">for retirement</a>. With figures like that, is it any wonder that 75% of people in the UK feel <a href="https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/about-us/news/financial-strain-driving-uks-anxiety#:%7E:text=Almost%20three%2Dquarters%20of%20the,cited%20job%20insecurity%20or%20unemployment">anxious about money</a>? The current state of the economy is particularly scary for young people. Unless you were born with a trust fund (not most people), you are likely part of the first generation to be financially worse off than <a href="https://edition.cnn.com/2020/01/11/politics/millennials-income-stalled-upward-mobility-us/index.html">your parents</a>. Retirement seems like an impossibility, and you’re unlikely to own your own home. Eighty percent of people in their early 20s worry about <a href="https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/money-and-mental-health/#Thelinksbetweenmoneyandmentalhealth">not earning enough</a>. It is important to start planning for your financial future early in your career, but you may find it overwhelming. The good news is, there are ways to overcome this. <h2>Finding your financial attachment style</h2> As a psychotherapist and finance researcher, I work with people to help them to increase their financial confidence and find the motivation to start planning. This often starts with understanding what influences their relationship with money. <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/behavioral-and-brain-sciences/article/bowlbyainsworth-attachment-theory/6D35C7A344107195D97FD7ADAE06C807">Attachment theory</a> is a psychological concept introduced in the late 1950s. Your attachment style – which can be, for example, secure, anxious or avoidant – explains how you approach creating emotionally intimate relationships with other people. Some people feel secure building relationships, while others are extremely anxious. Some avoid close relationships altogether. Attachment style can also apply to your finances. If you feel confident and safe when it comes to money, you are secure in your relationship to saving and spending. But if the thought of opening an ISA or filling out a tax return, let alone planning for retirement, fills you with dread and panic, you may be anxiously attached. And if you if you push money worries to the back of your mind, you are likely avoidant. Attachment theorists and psychotherapists like me think that attachment styles are shaped by childhood experiences – for example, how well you were looked after by your parents or carers, and how safe and loved you felt. The way money was handled in your family growing up is likely to have set the blueprint for your <a href="https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/02/200225114410.htm">financial attachment style</a>. Outside influences like education or work experiences may shape this too. Although financial education is part of the <a href="https://maps.org.uk/en/work-with-us/financial-education-in-schools">school curriculum</a> in the UK, 76% of children leave school without sufficient <a href="https://maps.org.uk/en/media-centre/press-releases/2024/hundreds-of-thousands-leaving-school-without-money-skills#:%7E:text=In%20its%20poll%20of%201%2C012,knowledge%20they%20need%20for%20adulthood">financial knowledge</a> to manage their lives. Similarly, financial services like banks have done a poor job helping people establish secure financial relationships. Complex and <a href="https://www.pwmnet.com/private-view-blog-time-for-the-financial-industry-to-jettison-the-jargon">off-putting language</a> has placed a barrier between those who know about money and those who need to learn. If you feel unable to keep up with financial terms, or that you don’t understand money, this is likely to hurt your confidence in your financial planning abilities and fuel a more avoidant attachment style. Identifying your attachment style can help you nurture a better relationship with money. You will be able to understand and predict how and why you react to finances in certain ways. And, it can provide confidence by reminding you that money struggles are not necessarily your fault. <h2>Getting over financial anxiety</h2> Some of the recent financial trends spreading on social media may give an insight into your attachment style. Are you <a href="https://www.cnbc.com/select/what-is-loud-budgeting-trend-can-it-work/">“loud budgeting”</a> (being vocal about why you aren’t spending money)? This could be a sign of financial confidence and that you have secure financial attachment. Or are you “doom spending” (spending money you don’t have instead of creating a <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/jan/31/are-you-loud-budgeting-or-doom-spending-finance-according-to-gen-z">nest egg</a> for the future)? You may be avoidant. Healthy relationships with <a href="https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/lifes-challenges/maintaining-healthy-relationships-and-mental-wellbeing/#:%7E:text=People%20with%20healthy%2C%20positive%20and,such%20as%20stress%20and%20anxiety">people</a> and <a href="https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/lifes-challenges/money-worries-mental-health/#:%7E:text=Our%20mental%20health%20might%20be,earning%20enough%20or%20currently%20unemployed">money</a> are both critical for our survival and mental health. As an adult, you have the power to improve these relationships. But because attachment patterns were formed early on, they are difficult to change. Therapy and other support can help you adopt healthier habits, as can increasing your financial knowledge. If you want to change your relationship with money, you should try to be mindful of what may be influencing you. While financial advice on social media may be useful and help young people feel more empowered to <a href="https://www.forbes.com/advisor/investing/financial-advisor/adults-financial-advice-social-media/">talk about money</a>, it can also <a href="https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/it-or-not-social-medias-affecting-your-mental-health">increase anxiety further</a> and be <a href="https://theconversation.com/if-you-get-your-financial-advice-on-social-media-watch-out-for-misinformation-222196">full of misinformation</a>. A good place to start for accurate and helpful information is the government’s <a href="https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en">Money Helper website</a>.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/225243/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/ylva-baeckstrom-1463175">Ylva Baeckstrom</a>, Senior Lecturer in Finance, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/kings-college-london-1196">King's College London</a> Image credits: Getty Images This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/if-you-have-money-anxiety-knowing-your-financial-attachment-style-can-help-225243">original article</a>. </div>

Money & Banking

Would you be happy as a long-term single? The answer may depend on your attachment style

<div class="theconversation-article-body"><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/christopher-pepping-1524533">Christopher Pepping</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/griffith-university-828">Griffith University</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/geoff-macdonald-1527971">Geoff Macdonald</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-toronto-1281">University of Toronto</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/tim-cronin-415060">Tim Cronin</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/la-trobe-university-842">La Trobe University</a>, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/yuthika-girme-1494822">Yuthika Girme</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/simon-fraser-university-1282">Simon Fraser University</a> Are all single people insecure? When we think about people who have been single for a long time, we may assume it’s because single people have insecurities that make it difficult for them to find a partner or maintain a relationship. But is this true? Or can long-term single people also be secure and thriving? Our <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jopy.12929">latest research</a> published in the Journal of Personality suggests they can. However, perhaps unsurprisingly, not everybody tends to thrive in singlehood. Our study shows a crucial factor may be a person’s attachment style. <h2>Singlehood is on the rise</h2> Singlehood is on the rise around the world. In Canada, single status among young adults aged 25 to 29 has increased from <a href="https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/220713/dq220713b-eng.htm">32% in 1981 to 61% in 2021</a>. The number of people <a href="https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/220713/dq220713a-eng.htm">living solo</a> has increased from 1.7 million people in 1981 to 4.4 million in 2021. People are single for many reasons: <a href="https://www.ucpress.edu/ebook/9780520971004/happy-singlehood">some choose</a> to remain single, some are focusing on <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12147-020-09249-0">personal goals and aspirations</a>, some report <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/nearly-half-of-u-s-adults-say-dating-has-gotten-harder-for-most-people-in-the-last-10-years/">dating has become harder</a>, and some become single again due to a relationship breakdown. People may also remain single due to their attachment style. Attachment theory is a popular and well-researched model of how we form relationships with other people. An <a href="https://www.amazon.com.au/s?k=attachment+theory">Amazon search for attachment theory</a> returns thousands of titles. The hashtag #attachmenttheory has been viewed <a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2022/08/20/why-attachment-theory-is-trending-according-to-dr-amir-levine.html">over 140 million times</a> on TikTok alone. <h2>What does attachment theory say about relationships?</h2> Attachment theory suggests our relationships with others are shaped by our degree of “anxiety” and “avoidance”. Attachment anxiety is a type of insecurity that leads people to feel anxious about relationships and worry about abandonment. Attachment avoidance leads people to feel uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness. People who are lower in attachment anxiety and avoidance are considered “securely attached”, and are comfortable depending on others, and giving and receiving intimacy. Single people are often stereotyped as being <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/01461672231203123">too clingy or non-committal</a>. Research comparing single and coupled people also suggests single people have <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2012.00793.x?casa_token=6iiCm5PjHgkAAAAA:0kBeofx3M-72YrkVppmNxdWBIAImFwm3lAakCnuiNXL20SVP1zaW7UeDIahW_43imAjSRXgtyN0hLVI">higher levels of attachment insecurities</a> compared to people in relationships. At the same time, evidence suggests many single people are choosing to remain single and <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/17456916221136119">living happy lives</a>. <h2>Single people represent a diverse group of secure and insecure people</h2> In our latest research, our team of social and clinical psychologists examined single people’s attachment styles and how they related to their happiness and wellbeing. We carried out two studies, one of 482 younger single people and the other of 400 older long-term singles. We found overall 78% were categorised as insecure, with the other 22% being secure. Looking at our results more closely, we found four distinct subgroups of singles: <ul> <li> secure singles are relatively comfortable with intimacy and closeness in relationships (22%) </li> <li> anxious singles question whether they are loved by others and worry about being rejected (37%) </li> <li> avoidant singles are uncomfortable getting close to others and prioritise their independence (23% of younger singles and 11% of older long-term singles) </li> <li> fearful singles have heightened anxiety about abandonment, but are simultaneously uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness (16% of younger singles and 28% of older long-term singles). </li> </ul> <h2>Insecure singles find singlehood challenging, but secure singles are thriving</h2> Our findings also revealed these distinct subgroups of singles have distinct experiences and outcomes. Secure singles are happy being single, have a greater number of non-romantic relationships, and better relationships with family and friends. They meet their sexual needs outside romantic relationships and feel happier with their life overall. Interestingly, this group maintains moderate interest in being in a romantic relationship in the future. Anxious singles tend to be the most worried about being single, have lower self-esteem, feel less supported by close others and have some of the lowest levels of life satisfaction across all sub-groups. Avoidant singles show the least interest in being in a romantic relationship and in many ways appear satisfied with singlehood. However, they also have fewer friends and close relationships, and are generally less satisfied with these relationships than secure singles. Avoidant singles also report less meaning in life and tend to be less happy compared to secure singles. Fearful singles reported more difficulties navigating close relationships than secure singles. For instance, they were less able to regulate their emotions, and were less satisfied with the quality of their close relationships relative to secure singles. They also reported some of the lowest levels of life satisfaction across all sub-groups. <h2>It’s not all doom and gloom</h2> These findings should be considered alongside several relevant points. First, although most singles in our samples were insecure (78%), a sizeable number were secure and thriving (22%). Further, simply being in a romantic relationship is not a panacea. Being in an unhappy relationship is linked to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316">poorer life outcomes</a> than being single. It is also important to remember that attachment orientations are not necessarily fixed. They are open to <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300113">change</a> in response to life events. Similarly, <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0963721413510933">sensitive and responsive behaviours</a> from close others and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075231162390">feeling loved and cared about</a> by close others can soothe underlying attachment concerns and foster attachment security over time. Our studies are some of the first to examine the diversity in attachment styles among single adults. Our findings highlight that many single people are secure and thriving, but also that more work can be done to help insecure single people feel more secure in order to foster happiness.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/227595/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/christopher-pepping-1524533">Christopher Pepping</a>, Associate Professor in Clinical Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/griffith-university-828">Griffith University</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/geoff-macdonald-1527971">Geoff Macdonald</a>, Professor of Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-toronto-1281">University of Toronto</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/tim-cronin-415060">Tim Cronin</a>, Lecturer in Clinical Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/la-trobe-university-842">La Trobe University</a>, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/yuthika-girme-1494822">Yuthika Girme</a>, Associate Professor, Department of Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/simon-fraser-university-1282">Simon Fraser University</a> Image credits: Getty Images This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/would-you-be-happy-as-a-long-term-single-the-answer-may-depend-on-your-attachment-style-227595">original article</a>. </div>

Relationships

Is attachment theory actually important for romantic relationships?

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/marissa-nivison-1454992">Marissa Nivison</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-calgary-1318">University of Calgary</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/sheri-madigan-417151">Sheri Madigan</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-calgary-1318">University of Calgary</a> There has been a recent surge of attention toward attachment theory: from <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTL2aW9va/">TikTok videos</a> to <a href="https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/">online quizzes</a> that claim to “assess your attachment style.” It’s become a hot topic, especially in the context of romantic relationships, with <a href="https://medium.com/curious/the-theory-that-explains-all-your-failed-relationships-fb2dc2551617">some articles</a> claiming that one person (or partner’s) attachment styles are the reason why relationships fail. As experts in developmental and clinical psychology focusing on attachment theory, we seek to provide an accessible resource to better understand the science of attachment, and what it means for one’s romantic relationships. <h2>What is attachment?</h2> Attachment theory stems from the field of developmental psychology. It is the notion that in the first year of life, the ways in which a parent and caregiver respond to a child’s needs shape a child’s expectation of relationships across their lifespan. In research, attachment has been associated with well-being across the lifespan including: <a href="https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579499002035">mental</a> and <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14616734.2018.1541517">physical</a> health, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032671">brain functioning</a> and even <a href="https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=092354a82953ac321429f84b00607bcd44ac4c63">romantic relationships</a>. <figure class="align-center "><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/587576/original/file-20240411-16-x97xu0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/587576/original/file-20240411-16-x97xu0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=455&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/587576/original/file-20240411-16-x97xu0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=455&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/587576/original/file-20240411-16-x97xu0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=455&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/587576/original/file-20240411-16-x97xu0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=572&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/587576/original/file-20240411-16-x97xu0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=572&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/587576/original/file-20240411-16-x97xu0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=572&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" alt="Illustrations of four different attachment styes" /><figcaption>There are two overarching types of attachment: secure and insecure. Types of insecure attachment include disorganized, avoidant and anxious attachment. (Shutterstock)</figcaption></figure> <h2>How is attachment related to romantic relationships?</h2> Among professionals in the field, there is diversity in perspectives regarding how attachment relates with romantic relationships. As developmental psychologists, we tend to think that attachment is associated with romantic relationships through what we call the “<a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/14616739900134191">internal working model</a>.” In childhood, when a parent is consistent and responsive in tending to their child, the child learns that their parent can be counted on in times of need. These expectations and beliefs about relationships are then internalized as a blueprint, sometimes in popular media referred to as a “<a href="https://medium.com/live-your-life-on-purpose/love-maps-are-a-gamechanger-when-you-have-an-anxious-attachment-style-dc8f219ab0af">love map</a>.” Just like how an architect uses a blueprint to design a building, a child’s attachment to their parents provides a blueprint for understanding how to approach other relationships. Based on this blueprint, people develop expectations of how relationships should work, and how other important people in their life, including partners, should respond to their needs. Sometimes attachment is also described in terms of attachment “styles.” There are two overarching types of attachment: <a href="https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203758045">secure and insecure</a>. Those with a secure attachment style tend to have expectations that their attachment figures (and later, partners) will be responsive, sensitive and caring in times of distress. People with secure “blueprints” find it easier to build new structures (i.e., relationships) with the same design. People with insecure blueprints — such as disorganized, avoidant or anxious attachment styles — may face relationship challenges when their current relationship doesn’t align with their childhood experiences, and may need to renovate their blueprint design together with their partner. Whether you think about attachment as a style or a love map, they both are related to expectations of relationships, which are shaped by past experiences. In research we see that people who had consistent, reliable and sensitive parents are more likely to have more positive relationships — including <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1997.tb00135.x">friendships</a>, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13322">teacher-child relationships</a> and yes, <a href="https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=092354a82953ac321429f84b00607bcd44ac4c63">romantic relationships too</a>. <h2>Relationships with parents and relationships with partners</h2> Although we do see in research that better childhood relationships are associated with better romantic relationships, there is still a large part of the population who have good relationships with partners, despite their history of lower-quality relationships with their parents. <figure class="align-center "><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/587575/original/file-20240411-16-fn5xgk.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/587575/original/file-20240411-16-fn5xgk.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=453&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/587575/original/file-20240411-16-fn5xgk.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=453&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/587575/original/file-20240411-16-fn5xgk.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=453&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/587575/original/file-20240411-16-fn5xgk.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=569&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/587575/original/file-20240411-16-fn5xgk.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=569&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/587575/original/file-20240411-16-fn5xgk.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=569&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" alt="Illustration of loving parents with a child, and the grown child in a loving relationship" /><figcaption>In research we see that people who had consistent, reliable and sensitive parents are more likely to have more positive relationships. (Shutterstock)</figcaption></figure> It is possible for romantic relationships to serve as a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.4.2.155">“healing relationship”</a> and improve one’s own internal working model of relationships. Specifically, when a partner is consistently sensitive, responsive and available, a person may begin to adjust their blueprint and develop new expectations from relationships. Attachment theory consistently supports the idea that one’s patterns of attachment <a href="https://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ960225">can change</a>. So, all in all, the answer is no: Your relationship with your parents influences but does not determine the quality of your romantic relationships. <h2>Is attachment the reason why my relationships don’t work out?</h2> It is possible that your expectations of a romantic relationship may not align with the expectations of your partner, and may affect the quality of the relationship. For example, sometimes individuals with insecure attachments may withdraw when they are upset, but their partner who has a secure attachment may be upset that their partner is not coming to them for comfort. Thinking through your own attachment history and expectations of relationships may be a great opportunity for self-reflection, but it is important to remember that attachment is only one part of a relationship. Communication, trust and respect, to name a few, are also critically important aspects of a relationship. <h2>Can I improve my attachment expectations?</h2> The short answer: Yes! Improving attachment quality has been one of the cornerstones of attachment theory and research since its conception. Most commonly, attachment is targeted in <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0LCPe5CMarYi1NmqNttDcg/videos">childhood through interventions</a>, but also in adulthood through individual therapy, or various forms of couples therapy, such as <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaHms5z-yuM">Emotionally Focused Therapy</a> or the <a href="https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/">Gottman Method</a>. It is also possible that through positive relationships you may be able to improve your own expectations of relationships. There are many different avenues to explore, but improvement is always possible. In sum, attachment can be an important factor in romantic relationships, but it is not a “catch-all” to be blamed for why relationships may not work out. Thinking about your own expectations for relationships and talking through those with your partner may do great things in improving the quality of your relationships! <img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/226101/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/marissa-nivison-1454992">Marissa Nivison</a>, Postdoctoral Research Fellow, Department of Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-calgary-1318">University of Calgary</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/sheri-madigan-417151">Sheri Madigan</a>, Professor, Canada Research Chair in Determinants of Child Development, Owerko Centre at the Alberta Children’s Hospital Research Institute, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-calgary-1318">University of Calgary</a> Image credits: Getty Images This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/is-attachment-theory-actually-important-for-romantic-relationships-226101">original article</a>.

Relationships

What is 'attachment' and how does it affect our relationships?

Research across many years and many cultures has found around 35-40% of people say they feel insecure in their adult relationships. While 60-65% experience secure, <a href="https://www.guilford.com/books/Attachment-in-Adulthood/Mikulincer-Shaver/9781462533817/summary">loving and satisfying relationships</a>. How secure or insecure we are with our romantic partners depends, in part, on how we bonded with our parents at a young age. From the day we were born we turned to our parents (or guardians) for love, comfort and security, especially in times of distress. For this reason we call them “<a href="https://books.google.com.au/books/about/Attachment_and_Loss_Attachment.html?id=FYEuAAAAMAAJ&redir_esc=y">attachment figures</a>”. When our attachment figures respond to our distress in ways that meet our needs, we feel comforted and supported, our distress is reduced, and we learn our attachment figures can be counted on in stressful times. But if parents often respond to a child’s distress by downplaying their emotions, rejecting their pleas for help, or making the child feel foolish, the child will learn not to trust their attachment figures for help, and to suppress their worries and emotions and deal with them alone. These downplaying strategies are called “<a href="https://www.guilford.com/books/Attachment-in-Adulthood/Mikulincer-Shaver/9781462533817/summary">deactivating attachment strategies</a>”. For others, parents respond to a child’s distress by being inconsistent in the support they provide, or not providing the right kind of support. Perhaps they sometimes recognise their child’s distress; other times they don’t acknowledge the distress, or focus on how the distress made them feel rather than helping the child manage their feelings. Or, some parents might provide support but it’s not what the child needs. For example, a child might need encouragement to deal with a challenge, but the parent tries to be sympathetic and agrees the child can’t deal with the challenge. Regular exposure to these kinds of parenting experiences means those children can experience excessive worry, especially when stressed, and go to a lot of effort to be very close to their attachment figures. These strategies of increasing worry and seeking excessive closeness are called “<a href="https://www.guilford.com/books/Attachment-in-Adulthood/Mikulincer-Shaver/9781462533817/summary">hyperactivating strategies</a>”. What are the attachment styles? These strategies, along with people’s thoughts and feelings about relationships, <a href="https://experts.illinois.edu/en/publications/adult-attachment-a-concise-introduction-to-theory-and-research">form the basis</a> of a person’s attachment style in adulthood. Our own attachment style is the result of how we rate on <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-36873-002">two factors</a> – attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance. <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-36873-002">Attachment anxiety</a> ranges from low to high, with people high on attachment anxiety exhibiting a high need for approval, an intense desire to be physically and emotionally close to others (especially romantic partners), and difficulties containing their distress and emotions in relationships. <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-36873-002">Attachment avoidance</a> also ranges from low to high, with people high on attachment avoidance exhibiting a distrust of others, a discomfort being intimate and emotionally close to others, excessive self-reliance, and a tendency to suppress their worries and emotions. People who rate low on both attachment anxiety and avoidance have a <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">secure attachment</a>. They’re trusting of others, comfortable with sharing emotions and being close to others, and tend not to downplay or exaggerate their distress. They also feel confident in problem-solving challenges and life stressors as well as turning to others for support. Can they change over time? Our attachment styles are thought to be <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300113">moderately stable throughout life</a>, although some people do manage to change from an <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">insecure attachment to a secure attachment style</a>. But this doesn’t just happen, it takes a lot of effort. Research suggests that although attachment styles can become harder to change <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-13216-001">as we age</a>, <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167203029007005">life events and experiences</a> that challenge our pre-existing beliefs about relationships can bring about changes in our attachment style. <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-13561-007">Getting married</a> and developing shared goals that reinforce a love and commitment towards another have been found to reduce attachment insecurity. But events that are viewed as threats to one’s relationship or the loss of connection (<a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656616300988">such as experiencing partner rejection</a>) can increase attachment insecurity. How do they affect our romantic relationships? Our attachment styles have been found to effect the way we <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">initiate, maintain and end relationships</a>. Unsurprisingly, those who have a secure attachment style tend to <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">fare best in romantic relationships</a>. They report the highest relationship satisfaction, tend to deal with conflicts by engaging in constructive behaviours, listen to their partner’s point of view, and do a good job of managing their emotions. These people also effectively support their partners both <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1088868314544222">in times of distress and success</a>. When it comes to relationship initiation, <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">these people</a> tend to more confidently interact with potential partners. They also engage in an appropriate amount of disclosure about themselves. When they break up from a relationship, they tend to experience fewer negative emotions, engage in less partner-blaming, and are more likely to turn to people for support. They also demonstrate a greater willingness to accept the loss and start dating sooner than some insecurely attached people. Those who experience attachment insecurity tend to report less relationship satisfaction. Those high on attachment anxiety tend to engage in conflict and do so in a <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X16300410">destructive way</a> that includes the use of criticism, blame, and trying to make the other feel guilty. When they <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/9781444354119.ch14">engage in support</a>, they can be overhelpful and so the support can come across as smothering or overbearing. In terms of <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">initiating relationships</a>, these people can come across as very friendly and likeable but can over-disclose too early in the relationship and may try to pursue the relationship at a fast pace. When it comes to <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656612000098">break-ups</a>, they can find it hard to let go, experience a high degree of distress, and try different tactics to get back with their partner. Those high in attachment avoidance tend to <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X16300410">avoid conflict</a> by withdrawing from their partners, emotionally shutting down, and refusing to discuss issues when they arise. They also find it difficult to provide <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/9781444354119.ch14">support</a>, and if they are obliged to help their partner, they do so in a withdrawn and uninvolved way. In terms of initiating relationships, those high on <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">attachment avoidance</a> seem emotionally uninvolved and detached in the early stages of a relationship, and can try to present an over-inflated self-image. In terms of <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/book/9780124200203/adult-attachment">relationship break-up</a>, people high on avoidance tend to report experiencing low levels of distress and do not pursue former partners. If a break-up is to occur, they tend to go about it in a round-a-bout way to avoid openly saying they want the relationship to end, to avoid conflict and uncomfortable discussions. The differences in the way securely and insecurely attached people behave in their relationships are most obvious in times of stress. <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2008-13837-022">Many studies</a> have shown stress increases the risk of negative outcomes for insecure people: reductions in relationship satisfaction and increases in destructive conflict behaviours. How can you boost your security? Increasing someone’s sense of security can be done in a <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X1830037X">variety of ways</a>. One involves exposure to words or pictures that promote feelings of love, comfort and connection (such as showing people a picture of a mother holding a child, a couple embracing, or words such as “hug” and “love”). Another is to have them recall past events when a person comforted them. Another line of research has investigated how partners can best support each other to either reduce or minimise attachment insecurity. Preliminary research suggests making people feel safe and boosting their self-confidence is a good strategy for those high in <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300101">attachment anxiety</a>. For those high in <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300101">attachment avoidance</a>, not being as attacking and critical during conflicts or when dealing with emotional issues may be the best way. Within the field of relationship counselling, a therapeutic approach called <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X18300265">Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy</a> (EFCT) has been developed to address the negative impact of attachment insecurity in romantic couples, and has been found to be <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jmft.12139">effective</a>. EFCT focuses on disrupting cycles of negative interactions between partners and getting both members of the couple to deal with each other’s attachment fears and concerns such as rejection and abandonment. Couples then learn from a therapist how to communicate their attachment needs for love, comfort and security more effectively to one another. The pursuit of secure and loving human connection is a real challenge for some, but positive future relationship experiences have the power to move people from a place of insecurity to one where love, acceptance, and comfort can be found.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/120503/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> Written by Gery Karantzas, Associate professor in Social Psychology / Relationship Science, Deakin University. Republished with permission of <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-attachment-and-how-does-it-affect-our-relationships-120503" target="_blank">The Conversation</a>.

Relationships

Good news for cat lovers! New study finds cats are just as “emotionally attached” to us as dogs or infants

New research is disputing a common trail of thought: Dogs are more loyal where cats are aloof. The study from Oregon State University looked for signs of attachment in both cats and kittens when reunited with their owners in a strange place. It’s the first time that scientists have shown that cats display the same sort of behaviour that’s witnessed in dogs as well as human babies. According to <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-7494677/Study-finds-cats-just-emotionally-attached-dogs-infants.html">The Daily Mail</a>, most cats (65.8 per cent) and kittens (64.3 per cent) showed a “secure attachment” with humans and were just as interested in their owners as their surroundings. Human babies, for example, are 'securely attached' to their caregivers in 65 per cent of occasions. Study lead author Dr Kristyn Vitale, of Oregon State University in the United States, said: “Cats that are insecure can be likely to run and hide or seem to act aloof. “There's long been a biased way of thinking that all cats behave this way. “But the majority of cats use their owner as a source of security. Your cat is depending on you to feel secure when they are stressed out.” The study involved enrolling cats in a six-week “socialisation” training course to see if they could be taught attachment styles, but the proportion of securely and insecurely attached cats did not budge. Dr Vitale said: “Once an attachment style has been established between the cat and its caregiver, it appears to remain relatively stable over time, even after a training and socialisation intervention.” “Attachment is a biologically relevant behaviour. Our study indicates that when cats live in a state of dependency with a human, that attachment behaviour is flexible and the majority of cats use humans as a source of comfort..” The findings were published in the <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.cub.2019.08.036">Current Biology</a> journal.

Family & Pets

Why everyone should know their attachment style

If you’ve suffered from anxiety, depression or relationship problems, a psychological theory called “<a href="https://www.psychologistworld.com/developmental/attachment-theory">attachment theory</a>” can help you get to the root cause of your difficulties and give you a greater understanding of what’s going on. Attachment theory was developed by British psychiatrist <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Bowlby">John Bowlby</a> in the 1960s. The theory explains how our brains are programmed to help us survive and thrive in the environment we are born into. Our self-esteem, ability to control our emotions and the quality of our relationships are all affected by our attachment style. We’ve known for over 50 years that attachment styles can <a href="https://www.abebe.org.br/files/John-Bowlby-Attachment-Second-Edition-Attachment-and-Loss-Series-Vol-1-1983.pdf">predict and explain</a> children’s behaviour. More <a href="https://www.guilford.com/books/Attachment-in-Adulthood/Mikulincer-Shaver/9781462533817/reviews">recent research</a> has shown that attachment styles also continue to affect our behaviour in adulthood. Four attachment styles Infants develop one of <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Why-Dont-I-Feel-Good-Enough-Using-Attachment-Theory-to-Find-a-Solution/Dent/p/book/9781138943513">four main attachment styles</a> in response to the care they receive from their parents or other carers during infancy. Carers who are sensitive to children’s needs foster a “secure attachment style”. Carers who become distressed and retreat when their children are upset create an “avoidant attachment style”. Carers who respond sensitively but are often distracted from their caregiving create an “anxious attachment style”. And carers who harm their children through neglect or abuse, create a “disorganised attachment style”. As children, we develop an attachment style that keeps us safe by programming us to behave in certain ways towards our carer when we are anxious or afraid. These behaviours elicit a response from our carer that, ideally, should be protective. Our brains are programmed through the relationship with our main carer. During this process, we learn to recognise and control our emotions and we create a “template” that guides our social interactions and informs us whether and how we are valued by other people. Faulty template Someone with a secure attachment style feels valued by others, can rely on them to be helpful and is able to control their emotions. At the other end of the spectrum, someone with a disorganised style does not feel valued by others, easily loses control of their emotions and resorts to manipulative behaviour to coerce others into providing help. When we feel anxious or fearful, the template created during infancy tells us how to respond. The world we live in now is often different from the one we were born into when our attachment style was forming, so our response to life’s events may be unsuitable. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style who constantly talks about their latest problem may lose friends who become frustrated by their inability to help. Research shows that attachment style affects our performance in many areas of life, including <a href="https://bit.ly/2zjIVZE">physical and mental health</a>, finding a compatible romantic partner, and our behaviour in family, social and work contexts. Attachment style even affects the type of <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13674676.2014.906394?scroll=top&needAccess=true&journalCode=cmhr20&">religious belief we hold</a>, our <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656611000584">relationships with pets</a> and whether our <a href="https://researchonline.jcu.edu.au/19819/">home feels like a haven</a>. Once you know your own attachment style – which you can easily discover by completing an <a href="http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl">online survey</a> – you will be able to predict what your response is likely to be in different circumstances. For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you fear rejection and may decide not to go for a promotion at work. When you realise that your fear of rejection is caused by your carer’s own difficulties when you were little, it may help you change your own mindset. Taking such positive steps can help you <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23398032">develop a more secure attachment style</a>. So take steps to <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Why-Dont-I-Feel-Good-Enough-Using-Attachment-Theory-to-Find-a-Solution/Dent/p/book/9781138943513">find out what your attachment style is</a> – it can only be of benefit.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/105321/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> Written by Helen Dent, Emeritus Professor of Clinical and Forensic Psychology, Staffordshire University. Republished with permission of <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/why-everyone-should-know-their-attachment-style-105321" target="_blank">The Conversation</a>.

Relationships

Man invents iPhone attachment for dog selfies

As anyone who’s tried to get Fido in the family portrait would agree, getting dogs to pose for photos is difficult. But it looks as though an inventor in the US has found a canny solution. Jason Hernandez has received Kickstarter funding for a product he calls the Pooch Selfie. The Pooch Selfie is essentially a tennis ball attachment you latch onto your phone or tablet that will get your dog’s attention when you want to take a picture. It comes with a squeaking tennis ball, which is designed to capture your dog’s gaze. This means when you’re taking a photo of your dog it will actually be looking at the camera! <img width="500" height="250" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/9634/dog-selfie-iphone-attachment-invention_500x250.jpg" alt="Dog Selfie Iphone Attachment Invention" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"/> Image credit: Kickstarter This simple, yet brilliant idea is set to make the San Diego inventor a very rich man. Over 1,000 backers have already pledged over $26,000 (well above Mr Hernandez’s initial goal of $7,000) and there are still 14 days to go in the project. “As pet lovers, we are unable to help ourselves from taking tons pictures of our dogs,” says Mr Hernandez on the Pooch Selfie’s Kickstarter page. “Sometimes you just want to grab a shot of their good looking mug and share it with the world! As any dog owner will tell you, it is difficult to get your pet to sit still long enough for a picture, let alone catch them looking into the camera.” Mr Hernandez certainly looks to have solved that problem with the pooch selfie, and while there’s currently no word on when the product will be available in Australia, by current interest it’s going to be a hit. Hero Image credit: Kickstarter Related links: <a href="/news/news/2015/10/dog-fetch-machine-video/">This machine plays fetch with your dog for you</a> <a href="/lifestyle/pets/2015/09/quotes-about-dogs/">10 quotes dog lovers will enjoy</a> <a href="/news/news/2015/09/funny-dog-videos/">Our favourite dog videos</a>

News

Our Partners

Over 60

News

Shop

Catalogues

Contests

Entertainment

Travel

Health

Lifestyle

Finance

Property

Games

Information

Keep up to date

Search

If you have money anxiety, knowing your financial attachment style can help

Would you be happy as a long-term single? The answer may depend on your attachment style

Is attachment theory actually important for romantic relationships?

What is 'attachment' and how does it affect our relationships?

Good news for cat lovers! New study finds cats are just as “emotionally attached” to us as dogs or infants

Why everyone should know their attachment style

Man invents iPhone attachment for dog selfies

Our Partners