Chaotic ending to final leaders' debate ahead of election
<p>In what historians are already calling <em>The Great Final Showdown (With Bonus Egg Chat)</em>, Anthony Albanese has emerged victorious in the fourth and final leaders' debate, with Peter Dutton bravely losing while armed only with a calculator set to 1998 and a deep mistrust of mobile phones.</p>
<p>Held six days before the election and hosted by Channel 7 (who have now applied for hazard pay), the debate covered serious national issues like cost of living, housing and why Elon Musk is apparently a Marvel villain.</p>
<p>Dutton, swinging from the very first second like a man who accidentally stepped on a plug, declared: "This election is all about who can best manage the Australian economy..." before launching into a heartfelt monologue about crying families, inflation and the distinct lack of cheaper servo pies.</p>
<p>Albanese, armed with his Clear Decisive Policies™, clapped back: "Australians have a real choice this Saturday to continue building Australia's future or go back to the past," ... which definitely didn’t sound at all like the slogan of a time-travel movie starring Dutton as a confused tourist in 1973.</p>
<p>The real drama came when the leaders tried to guess the price of eggs, which quickly devolved into an episode of <em>The Price is Wrong</em>.</p>
<p>Dutton confidently guessed that a half dozen free-range eggs cost "$4.20", missing the mark by about the same distance Pluto misses Earth. Albanese, meanwhile, coolly suggested "$7 if you can find them", proving once again that he’s a man of the people – or at least a man who occasionally braves the horror of the supermarket dairy aisle.</p>
<p>Dutton, adopting the highly relatable persona of Uncle Who Complains at BBQs, complained that Welcome to Country ceremonies were "overdone", claiming: "It divides the country."</p>
<p>In response, Albanese reminded everyone that Australia shares its continent with "the oldest continuous culture on earth", and managed not to roll his eyes even once, a feat of diplomacy possibly more impressive than anything discussed on foreign policy.</p>
<p>Speaking of diplomacy, the two also managed a spirited debate on international relations when Albanese mused: "I'm not sure that he has a mobile phone, the US president, or Joe Biden." ... leading many to wonder if Albanese thinks Biden communicates solely through carrier pigeons or interpretive dance.</p>
<p>Not to be outdone, Dutton called Elon Musk an "evil genius", officially making this the first Australian leaders' debate to include a Marvel Cinematic Universe reference. Albanese, playing it safer, described Musk as "Tesla, and a very rich man", thereby demonstrating a deep and comprehensive understanding of modern economics.</p>
<p>When it came to energy policy, Dutton insisted that renewable energy was going to "wreck the economy", while Albanese insisted that it was actually already powering "10 million homes". Dutton’s alternative? Nuclear energy, because nothing says "vote for me" like proposing billion-dollar facilities that won't be ready until somewhere around the next ice age.</p>
<p>At the end of the night, 60 undecided voters declared Albanese the winner by a margin that was less "narrow victory" and more "rugby team versus toddlers".</p>
<p>Albanese took home 50% of the vote, while Dutton earned a modest 25% and the other 25% presumably began Googling "how to move to New Zealand".</p>
<p>Whether that final debate will actually change the outcome of the election is unclear. What is clear is that both men left their marks – one as the man who priced eggs like it was still 2005, and the other as the guy who thinks world leaders might communicate exclusively by yelling really loudly across the Pacific Ocean.</p>
<p><em>Images: Network Seven</em></p>
