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Why you shouldn’t let guilt motivate you to exercise

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/martin-j-turner-489218">Martin J Turner</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/manchester-metropolitan-university-860">Manchester Metropolitan University</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/anthony-miller-679114">Anthony Miller</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/staffordshire-university-1381">Staffordshire University</a> The hardest part of consistently exercising is finding the motivation to do it. But using the wrong type of motivation for your workouts could militate against you – and could even have consequences for your mental health. Our research, which <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/02640414.2022.2042124">investigated the motivations</a> of 650 frequent exercisers, found that people who believed things like “I am a loser if I do not succeed in things that matter to me” and “I have to be viewed favourably by people that matter to me” were more likely to use self-pressure and wanting to avoid guilt as motivation to exercise. Not only was this group more likely to not want to exercise at all, we also found that those who used guilt and self-pressure as motivation were at greater risk of experiencing poor mental health. The tendency to hold dogmatic beliefs like “I must” or “I have to”, and harmful beliefs about yourself creates a negative and <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10413200.2018.1446472?casa_token=ObBghnn3ab4AAAAA%3ATpiEvunYBqKbIqI2_kuC5fM2zMvhhYLP72TVplW3Noc4PYhQUaMBkq1pEabaXXid0hwnE3R5kNYvnA">unhealthy approach to exercise</a>. But the darker side of this mindset is that people who held these beliefs reported higher symptoms of anxiety, depression and stress compared with exercisers who didn’t use self-pressure and guilt as motivation. While it’s possible that people already experiencing poor mental health would be more likely to have negative beliefs about themselves, there’s a deeply reciprocal relationship between mental health and how we think and act. Research shows that extreme, rigid, negative ways of thinking are <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26609889/">risk factors for mental health problems</a>. Repeating negative thoughts many times, over many years, can lead to deep self-loathing which can corrode your <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2019-59628-001">mental health</a> and leave you in a continuous state of <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/02640414.2022.2042124">stress and depression</a>. It can also make you even less likely to positively change your thinking and <a href="https://journals.humankinetics.com/view/journals/tsp/8/3/article-p248.xml">exercise habits</a>. On the other hand, our study found that people who reported lower symptoms of depression, anxiety and stress had significantly less extreme, rigid and negative ways of thinking. These participants were less likely to endorse ways of thinking that involved self-demands (“I must”), magnification (“things are awful”), and self-condemnation (“I am a failure”). These exercisers reported using more useful forms of motivation to workout, such as exercising because they loved the activity and recognised the value and importance of exercise as a part of their identity. These findings show us just how important the thoughts you use to motivate your workouts can be, especially when it comes to your mental health. One solution to these ways of thinking is a psychological approach called <a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01423/full">rational emotive behaviour therapy</a> (REBT). REBT aims to understand and challenge deeply held beliefs and develop helpful alternatives. This approach may help an exerciser go from “I have to exercise” and “I’d be worthless if I didn’t exercise” to thinking “I really want to exercise, but if I didn’t exercise, I would be disappointed, but I would not be worthless.” Improving a person’s beliefs about exercise can change their motivation from being centred on self-pressure and guilt to seeing the value and potential enjoyment in working out. There are many <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Rational-Practitioner-Performance-Psychologists-Practicing/dp/1032060409">ideas and tools</a> we can apply from REBT even without having to step foot inside a psychologist’s office. So if you find yourself falling into this cycle of self-loathing and losing motivation to exercise, here’s what you can do. <h2>Think critically about your thinking</h2> When you think about exercising, are your thoughts negative, unhelpful and self-pressuring? Be more critical of your thoughts about exercise, and ask yourself whether they make sense – and if they’re helping you. If the answer is no, try to work on adopting thoughts that do make sense and help you achieve your exercise goals, such as seeing exercise as something to enjoy, instead of something you have to do out of guilt. Being able to challenge your own unhelpful beliefs, and learning to harness more helpful ones, can help you <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/sms.12926?casa_token=fbVymZ3SxrAAAAAA:SiNRAlz0Xh11xbeWDUtxjwlP40gDfurptgas5SSHYLtLD9v06uLm8ztlTvi1AnwTSvTReT_u-fdgiJ0h">achieve your goals</a>. <h2>Realise you’re not what you do</h2> As human beings, we’re imperfect. We mess up – but we also do great things. When things don’t go to plan, it’s important to try and accept this. And remember that failing doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Realise that you aren’t <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1469029222001662">defined by your shortcomings</a>. Recognising that failing does not make you a failure may help you better bounce back from times when you fall short of your goals and expectations and keep on track with reaching your goals and finding solutions. <h2>Harness the power of want</h2> You’re far more likely to stick to your exercise goals if you <a href="https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/SDT/documents/1997_RyanFrederickLepesRubioSheldon.pdf">want to do them</a>. Find an activity that offers you something more than just exercise. Perhaps join an exercise group where you can make new friends or rekindle your passion for something you used to do. If you’re only exercising because you believe you have to or to avoid guilt, then you probably won’t stick with it. Nobody likes to be pressured into doing difficult things. Finding an activity you don’t have to force yourself to do may help you move from seeing exercise as something you have to do to something you love to do. Exercise is, of course, important, but guilting yourself into doing it will probably do more harm than good. The best way is by finding things you enjoy, accepting yourself unconditionally if your motivation does wane, and removing “have to” from your thoughts about exercise.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/220342/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/martin-j-turner-489218">Martin J Turner</a>, Reader in Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/manchester-metropolitan-university-860">Manchester Metropolitan University</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/anthony-miller-679114">Anthony Miller</a>, Senior Lecturer in Sport and Exercise Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/staffordshire-university-1381">Staffordshire University</a> Image credits: Getty Images This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-you-shouldnt-let-guilt-motivate-you-to-exercise-220342">original article</a>.

Body

Robbie Williams reveals guilt over mental health battle

Popstar Robbie Williams has revealed how his struggles with depression and anxiety during his time with boy band Take That left him feeling guilty. Williams was reflecting on his time with the group on the <a rel="noopener" href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-never-thought-it-would-happen/id1576380688" target="_blank">I Never Thought It Would Happen</a> podcast when he got candid about his mental health at the time. “I hated myself … the high bits [of my career] were married with a really, really dark depression and deep anxiety. And none of it was enjoyable,” Williams said. Williams was at the height of his fame while with the boy band, which he was in with Gary Barlow, Howard Donald, Mark Owen, and Jason Orange from its formation in 1990 until he left in 1995. <img style="width: 500px; height: 332.03125px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7843434/gettyimages-56272511.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/b190dd3d50e5411e8d2cf403bea97c6b" /> English boy band Take That in matching tuxedos. From left to right: (back) Robbie Williams and Jason Orange, (front) Gary Barlow, Howard Donald, and Mark Owen. Image: Getty Images After his departure, the group continued until they permanently broke up in 1996. “The fact that none of it was enjoyable made me deeply unhappy because I’d been given the golden ticket,” he continued. “[But] this isn’t an uncommon story.” Despite selling out arenas all over the world, Williams said he was never comfortable with his fame. “I’d have self-hatred for me and then I’d have self-hatred for my audience for coming … the self-hatred was so heavy and intense,” he said. Asked about the current state of his mental health, Williams said he is in a far better place. “I don’t know if it ever leaves leaves. It’s not as extreme as it used to be,” he said. “Actually, I don’t live there anymore. I used to live there. I might weekend there occasionally every three months, but it’s not the place that I live in now. “It’s not driving the car. Somebody who is more content is driving the car.” Williams credits wife Ayda Field for her calming effect on him. The pair have been together since 2006 and share four children: Theodora, Charlton, Colette, and Beau. If you or anyone you know needs immediate mental health support, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 224 636, or visit <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.lifeline.org.au/" target="_blank">lifeline.org.au</a> or <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.beyondblue.org.au/" target="_blank">beyondblue.org.au</a>. Image: Robbie Williams / Instagram

Mind

"Crushed with guilt": Decision to put down "pandemic puppy" causes heated debate

A journalist has sparked debates online over her decision to euthanise her dog she adopted during the COVID-19 pandemic. Madeline Bills published a piece on Slate sharing the story of her adoption of Bennie, “a six-year old beagle whose photo melted my heart”, just before Christmas. “Like many others last year, I was thrilled to adopt a dog,” she wrote. “The so called pandemic puppy boom made for what felt like stiff competition at the time.” But, the journalist said the New Jersey animal shelter she adopted Bonnie from likely failed to inform her of the dog’s history of aggressive behaviour. After six months of behavioural training and “daily dog anxiety meds” seemed to make no difference to Bonnie’s biting, Bilis made the decision to try and rehome the pooch. “But I soon learned the shelter where Bonnie came from wouldn’t help me. A volunteer explained that Bonnie was too dangerous to adopt out again, and their affiliated sanctuaries - including several beagle-specific rescues - declined to take her,” she wrote. “Another dog rescue organisation in New York City told me that her bite history - seven bites at the time, though that number would grow - was too extensive for her to even qualify for a special rehabilitation program.” Bilis said both conversations ended with the same conclusion: “behavioural euthanasia”. “She was adorable - and violent,” Bilis wrote. “I found a resolution many choose but few acknowledge.” <a href="https://twitter.com/madelinebilis/status/1402611855252668417">https://twitter.com/madelinebilis/status/1402611855252668417</a> The article drew praise from some readers for addressing a difficult topic, which described how Bonnie was involved in several biting incidents. “Last Christmas morning, I patted my bed, invitingly my newly adopted beagle, Bonnie, to jump and cuddle,” she began in the piece. “My boyfriend, still under the covers, reached out to pet her soft little head, which was now wedged between us. I turned away to grab my phone, and it happened: a guttural bark, followed by a human scream. I whipped around to see my boyfriend’s hand covered in blood. It was Bonnie’s second bite in the week since I’d adopted her.” Bilis recounted another incident where Bonnie bit a man walking past them on the footpath, though she was surprised “the man brushed off the incident”. As the number of incidents continued to grow, Bilis said her “desire to stop living with a dangerous animal” grew too. “As the weeks went by and no new options appeared, I realised I had a choice: I could send her off with a stranger one day - someone she would certainly injure, and who would perhaps end up euthanising her anyway - or I could allow her to leave this terrifying world peacefully with someone she loves.” She stressed the choice to pursue behavioural euthanasia was “not a decision made out of convenience”. “Crushed with guilt, I wondered if there was more I could have done to help my sweet beagle,” she said. Unsurprisingly, the article drew criticism online, with other owners of adopted dogs claiming the decision was motivated by inconvenience. One user said that in her “30-year-plus career as a veterinarian who works on dogs with anxieties and behavioural issues, I’ve only had to euthanise two dogs for child safety reason.” Many also defended Bilis, agreeing she had no choice in the matter. “A lot of people angry about this article but obviously the correct thing to do with a violent and dangerous domesticated animal is put it down,” wrote Daily Wire host Matt Walsh.

Family & Pets

No guilt, no liability: Stunning details of the massive Harvey Weinstein settlements

<div class="post_body_wrapper"> <div class="post_body"> <div class="body_text "> Disgraced movie producer Harvey Weinstein has come to an agreement with his several accusers that does not require an admission of guilt. After a two-year legal battle, Weinstein has agreed to a $US25 million ($A36.3 million) settlement with over 30 actresses and former Weinstein employees, who in lawsuits have accused him of multiple offences ranging from sexual harassment to rape. The 67-year-old will not be paying out the settlement from his own pocket, but rather, his insurance companies representing his former company, the Weinstein Company, will be responsible for handing over the large sum. The company is currently in the middle of bankruptcy proceedings. The deal, which requires court approval and a final sign-off by all parties, marks the end of almost every lawsuit filed against the former Hollywood heavyweight. He is still scheduled to go to trial in New York in early January on charges of sexual assault involving two women, claims he denies. Speaking to the New York Times, Katherine Kendall, an actress who said Weinstein chased her around his New York apartment naked in 1993 after she was under the impression that she was meeting him for a work chat, said she only agreed to the terms because she didn’t want to block fellow plaintiffs from getting whatever recompense they could. “I don’t love it, but I don’t know how to go after him,” she said. “I don’t know what I can really do.” On Wednesday, Weinstein’s bail was increased from $1 million to $5 million, over allegations he violated his bail conditions by mishandling his electronic ankle monitor. </div> </div> </div> <div> <div class="post-actions-component"> <div class="upper-row"> <div class="watched-bookmark-container"></div> </div> </div> </div>

Legal

Leaving Neverland: Director says police are convinced of Michael Jackson’s guilt

The director of the explosive Leaving Neverland documentary has claimed that police who investigated Michael Jackson over child sex abuse claims were convinced of the singer’s guilt. Jackson is facing renewed allegations that he molested children after the Leaving Neverland documentary aired graphic claims from Wade Robson and James Safechuck. The claims have angered the Jackson family and fans of his music. However, director Dan Reed said that their allegations went through a vigorous process of fact-checking. Speaking to <a href="https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/none-of-them-had-any-doubts-at-all-about-his-guilt-leaving-neverland-director-dan-reed/news-story/b44cc1532b5cb88b76b15c3f3d8abe79">The Morning Show</a> Reed explained that he “went in with an open mind” before becoming convinced of Jackson’s guilt. “I didn’t approach this in a naive way. I listened very carefully to days and days and days of interview, then we went and did about 18 months of research and checked everything we could and tried to poke holes in Wade and James’ accounts,” Reed explained. “We didn’t find anything that cast any doubt on their accounts — on the contrary, we found a lot of corroborating evidence. “I interviewed the police investigators and the sheriff’s department investigators who were part of looking into Michael Jackson’s background, and none of them had any doubts at all about his guilt.” Reed explained that he was worried about the impact that the documentary would have on Jackson’s children, but the stories of Robson and Safechuck needed to be told. “The politics of the Jackson clan is very complicated and this supposed attempted suicide of Paris, which she has immediately denied, that’s very puzzling. I don’t know what’s going on there,” Reed said. “Jackson’s children had nothing to do with the sexual abuse and of course they’re upset that their dad is being accused of all this stuff. But these allegations have been around for decades now and they won’t come as any surprise to the kids. “I feel for them, I wish them the very best, but the truth must come out because I think this is an important story.”

Music

Even 'supermums' like Serena Williams suffer from the guilt of motherhood

At the beginning of last month, when Serena Williams stepped back on to Wimbledon's Centre Court less than a year after giving birth, she was hailed a "torchbearer" for her sex and a "wonder woman". However, after losing the final to Angelique Kerber, the seven-time Wimbledon winner was asked by an interviewer if she was, indeed, "supermum" – to which she shook her head and replied: "Just me. To all the mums out there, I was playing out there for you today and I tried." After pulling out of last weekend's Montreal tournament citing "personal reasons", Williams went on Instagram to explain to her 9 million followers that her inability to compete was down to feeling as though she was falling short – both professionally and personally. In a post that will resonate with working mothers everywhere, torn between baby-proofing their careers and being there for their children, Williams said: "Last week was not easy for me. Not only was I accepting some tough personal stuff, but I just was in a funk. Mostly, I felt like I was not a good mom. <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/BmJ3KMzFRZw/?utm_source=ig_embed" data-instgrm-version="9"> <div style="padding: 8px;"> <div style="background: #F8F8F8; line-height: 0; margin-top: 40px; padding: 37.4537037037037% 0; text-align: center; width: 100%;"> <div style="background: url(data:image/png; base64,ivborw0kggoaaaansuheugaaacwaaaascamaaaapwqozaaaabgdbtueaalgpc/xhbqaaaafzukdcak7ohokaaaamuexurczmzpf399fx1+bm5mzy9amaaadisurbvdjlvzxbesmgces5/p8/t9furvcrmu73jwlzosgsiizurcjo/ad+eqjjb4hv8bft+idpqocx1wjosbfhh2xssxeiyn3uli/6mnree07uiwjev8ueowds88ly97kqytlijkktuybbruayvh5wohixmpi5we58ek028czwyuqdlkpg1bkb4nnm+veanfhqn1k4+gpt6ugqcvu2h2ovuif/gwufyy8owepdyzsa3avcqpvovvzzz2vtnn2wu8qzvjddeto90gsy9mvlqtgysy231mxry6i2ggqjrty0l8fxcxfcbbhwrsyyaaaaaelftksuqmcc); display: block; height: 44px; margin: 0 auto -44px; position: relative; top: -22px; width: 44px;"></div> </div> <a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BmJ3KMzFRZw/?utm_source=ig_embed" target="_blank">Last week was not easy for me. Not only was I accepting some tough personal stuff, but I just was in a funk. Mostly, I felt like I was not a good mom. I read several articles that said postpartum emotions can last up to 3 years if not dealt with. I like communication best. Talking things through with my mom, my sisters, my friends let me know that my feelings are totally normal. It’s totally normal to feel like I’m not doing enough for my baby. We have all been there. I work a lot, I train, and I’m trying to be the best athlete I can be. However, that means although I have been with her every day of her life, I’m not around as much as I would like to be. Most of you moms deal with the same thing. Whether stay-at-home or working, finding that balance with kids is a true art. You are the true heroes. I’m here to say: if you are having a rough day or week--it’s ok--I am, too!!! There’s always tomm!</a> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/serenawilliams/?utm_source=ig_embed" target="_blank"> Serena Williams</a> (@serenawilliams) on Aug 6, 2018 at 3:24pm PDT </div> </blockquote> "I read several articles that said post-partum emotions can last up to three years if not dealt with. I like communication best. Talking things through with my mom, my sisters, my friends lets me know that my feelings are totally normal." She added: "It's totally normal to feel like I'm not doing enough for my baby. We have all been there." We certainly have. Like most of my friends, the latter part of my 30s has been spent occupied with childcare and working an office job – and the endless battle to balance the two dominates almost every conversation. Those friends who have continued their careers with scant pause – usually the lawyers and management consultants – face large childcare costs, and even larger amounts of guilt for never being at pick-up, sports day, cake sales or bedtimes. The ones who quit work after their first or second child (usually the second, which is very often the tipping point in terms of childcare costs and logistics) say they sometimes feel unfulfilled, worried the working mothers they know are sneering at them, and fearful of being left behind when their children are older and they're left to pick up the remains of their careers. The likelihood of finding an interesting, well-paid profession that allows for a 10-year break is not, naturally, something many can rely on. And then there are the ones like me, who have gone freelance or part-time since having children, and worry they're not doing a good enough job at either home or work. When I gave birth to my first daughter in 2010, I remember my own mother saying: "The minute you give birth, you start to feel guilty about every single decision you make." And I did: breast or bottle feeding, time working, time spent apart from them – something you crave, and then feel guilty about. Though the days of mothers not mentioning the struggles of parenthood are fading – it was less than a decade ago that a long-time fellow freelancer confided she hadn't told her editor she'd given birth because she didn't want to appear unprofessional – it has taken, as it so often does, a celebrity contingent to shine a light on the issue. <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"> Today I say Olympia fall... but she got back up. She fell again almost immediately.... and almost immediately she got back up again. She always had a smile on her face. I learned a lot from Olympia today. Thank you my baby love. <a href="https://t.co/pn0iUCZG6Q">pic.twitter.com/pn0iUCZG6Q</a> — Serena Williams (@serenawilliams) <a href="https://twitter.com/serenawilliams/status/1020051496849719297?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 19, 2018</a></blockquote> Now, thanks to the likes of Williams, Victoria Beckham, who admitted to taking just one proper week off following the birth of daughter Harper before spending the rest of the summer working "with my boobs out, breastfeeding", and Beyonce, who in next month's issue of Vogue in the US explains that a traumatic labour with her twins last year led her to spend six months giving "myself self-love and self-care" rather than rushing to return full-pelt, there seems to be less stigma around new parents asking for flexible working. Or admitting they've barely slept. This week, UK cyclist Laura Kenny picked up her second gold medal at the European Championships in Glasgow, less than a year after the birth of her first child, Albie. "I was up five times last night – and he didn't actually fall asleep until nine o'clock, the little sod," she joked after the race. "But you get used to it," the 26-year-old quadruple Olympic champion continued. "I don't even feel like I've had a lack of sleep any more – I just come in and get on with it. I was thinking I didn't want to leave Albie for nothing because he wasn't very happy this morning. [But] I'm glad I've got another medal to take home to him. "If you'd asked me [when I was younger] if I'd be a mum with four Olympic and 12 European gold medals I would have said no, that's not the way my life is going to pan out." But for every heartwarming story like Kenny's, there are plenty more like Williams who, in the middle of last month's Wimbledon championship, berated herself for missing her daughter's first steps. "I was training and missed it. I cried," she wrote on Twitter – an acute portrayal of the reality so many working parents experience. <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"> She took her first steps... I was training and missed it. I cried. — Serena Williams (@serenawilliams) <a href="https://twitter.com/serenawilliams/status/1015514300490960896?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 7, 2018</a></blockquote> "Those early years are the hardest for guilt," agrees Neom founder and mother of two Nicola Elliott. "In those early days, especially after your first child, new mums are on that hamster wheel of trying to be all things to all people but feeling like they're failing at everything. We feel we should be having these amazing careers, but we also feel we should be at nursery pick-up every day, or with our children all the time. The guilt is exhausting." By the time my second daughter arrived in 2013, I was, like most second-time mothers, less anxious and more confident in my decisions. And as I watched my daughters grow into confident, bright little girls, I realised three days a week in childcare had done them no harm whatsoever – and enabled me to continue in a profession I truly enjoy. The guilt is still there at times, and I still have days where I look at a mother on Instagram, enjoying midweek sunshine with her little ones, and feel a pang of guilt that I'm sat in an office. However, like the pain of childbirth, this also fades as your children get older and more independent. "Like Serena, I did feel guilty when my children were younger and in childcare," says Elliott, "but now they're older and they need me less and love going to after-school clubs and seeing their friends, and I have a career that I love. So the pay-off does come." Or as Alexis Ohanian, Williams's husband, said after her Wimbledon defeat: "She'll be holding a trophy again soon – and she's got the greatest one waiting at home for her." Written by Maria Lally. Republished by permission of <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/parenting/mums-life/106127146/even-supermums-like-serena-williams-suffer-from-the-guilt-of-motherhood">Stuff.co.nz</a>.

Mind

5 yummy snacks with 150 calories or under – that’s almost guilt-free

If you’re looking to watch your calorie intake, but can’t resist the allure of a mid-afternoon or post-dinner snack, here are some you can consume without feeling guilt from that calorie hangover – each of these has less than 150 calories per serving. Don’t go overboard, though, remember to be on the lookout for sugar content as well as calories. Cobs Popcorn This popcorn is a revelation. It’s kind of sweet, and a little bit salty, and 100 per cent delicious. It’s perfect for when you go to the movies and your stomach growls when you smell the warm popcorn of your neighbour. You won’t envy them for long once you’ve had a few pieces of this. Calorie count: 97 Grapes One cup of grapes is a delicious snack that will give you energy to get on with your day. Calorie count - 110 Mars Bar Ice Creams Yep, you definitely read that correctly. A Mars Ice Cream bar has less calories than a regular Mars Bar, but extra deliciousness because there’s ice cream involved. Just right for when you feel like a sweet treat after dinner. Calorie count: 145 Corn Thins These addictive snacks are crunchy and pack a surprising flavour punch. Eat them on their own, or top them with something healthy for a filling snack. Calorie count: 91 Vegetable Chips Forget those artificially-flavoured corn chips – go for these naturally colourful, delightfully crunch veggie chips. With a mix of sweet potato, carrot, beetroot and parsnip in the bag, it’s a snack you won’t be sick of in a hurry. Calorie Count: 120

Body

Guilt-free chocolate fudge cake

Everyone needs a bit of sweetness now and then, but sometimes taste can come at the cost of our health. This sinfully delicious chocolate cake is actually a lot more heavenly than it tastes, with less sugar, fat and calories than other cakes yet still fantastically fudgy thanks to an unlikely ingredient – tofu! Just don’t knock it till you try it. Serves: 8 Ingredients: <ul> <li>200g silken firm tofu, drained</li> <li>100g caster sugar</li> <li>2 egg yolks</li> <li>2 tsp. vanilla essence</li> <li>80g high-cocoa content chocolate, melted</li> <li>50g plain flour, sifted</li> <li>1 tbsp. self-raising flour</li> <li>4 egg whites</li> <li>Raspberries and blueberries, to serve</li> </ul> Method: <ol> <li>Preheat oven to 160°C and spray a round 20cm cake tin with oil, lining the base and edges with baking paper.</li> <li>Place the tofu, sugar, egg yolks and vanilla essence in a food processor and process until smooth. Add melted chocolate and process until smooth.</li> <li>Move the mixture to a bowl and fold in combined flour.</li> <li>Beat egg whites with an electric beater until soft peak are formed. Fold a third of the egg whites into the chocolate mixture with a large spoon until just combined, repeating with the remaining egg whites.</li> <li>Spoon the combined mixture into the pan and smooth the surface.</li> <li>Bake for 40 to 45 minutes or until a skewer comes out clean. Set aside to cool.</li> <li>Decorate with raspberries and blueberries and cut into eight slices. Serve immediately.</li> </ol> Do you have a healthy dessert recipe to share with us? Let us know in the comment section below. Have you ordered your copy of the Over60 cookbook, The Way Mum Made It, yet? Featuring 175 delicious tried-and-true recipes from you, the Over60 community, and your favourites that have appeared on the Over60 website, <a href="https://shop.abc.net.au/products/way-mum-made-it-pbk" target="_blank">head to the abcshop.com.au to order your copy now</a>. Related links: <a href="/lifestyle/food-wine/2016/07/slow-cooked-chocolate-lava-cake/">Slow-cooked chocolate lava cake</a> <a href="/lifestyle/food-wine/2016/06/chocolate-raspberry-brownies/">Chocolate raspberry brownies</a> <a href="/lifestyle/food-wine/2016/06/chocolate-coffee-layer-cake/">Chocolate coffee layer cake</a>

Food & Wine

Understanding carer’s guilt

Caring for a loved one who has a disability or is in decline requires endless hours of dedication, a resilient mindset, a sense of enduring compassion and patience as well as ongoing selflessness throughout your family member’s illness. It is often challenging to marry this with the demands of your own family, social and work life. The impacts on the mental well-being and quality of life of care givers have often been ignored. According to Carers Australia there are over 2.86 million Australians providing informal care in Australia today. The growing need to reduce some of the burdens experienced by these carers is increasingly being recognised. While there are support services available, there are also some simple steps you can take to prevent emotional ‘burn-out’. According to Mace and Rabins in their book, The 36-Hour Day, it is important to: <ul> <li>Give yourself permission to take time out for yourself. This is especially important if you are providing 24-hour care to someone with dementia, for example.</li> <li>Take some time to go out once a week, ask another person to stay overnight to ensure you receive a good night’s sleep, or if possible, take a vacation.</li> <li>Give yourself a present. This helps to give yourself a ‘lift’ when you might need it. Perhaps consider simply standing outside and enjoying a sunset, order your favourite meal at a restaurant, buy a new book, or perhaps a new piece of music.</li> <li>Maintain your friendships and social contacts. Friends provide emotional comfort and support, and can often be immensely helpful when you need to take that much needed time out.</li> <li>Coupled with this is the importance of avoiding isolation. Call upon local community organisations or religious groups for help. There are often support groups and associations which provide services for families managing specific diseases.</li> <li>Find additional help. Consider employing a regular carer to lighten the load on a more consistent basis. It’s amazing what a difference 3 hours a day can make, or even one day a week. Be organised. Involve family and friends regularly in the care process.</li> <li>Consider developing a care plan which includes the contact details of support services, and emergency contacts in the event something happens to you.</li> <li>Recognise the warning signs. Ask yourself regularly if you are feeling sad or depressed or experiencing anxiety. Are you staying awake at night, not eating enough? If you are answering yes to any of these, then strongly consider seeking support. The well-being of the person you are caring for depends directly on your well-being. It is important to know when to ask for help – and indeed, know there is help available!</li> </ul> If you have any tips on managing carer’s stress, we’d love to see them in the comments below. At <a href="http://www.careseekers.com.au/" target="_blank">Careseekers</a> we provide respite, short-term and long-term care support to families in need. If you are looking for support and are unsure of your options, please <a href="mailto:info@careseekers.com.au" target="_blank">email</a> or call us for more information on 1300 765 465. First appeared on <a href="http://www.careseekers.com.au/blog/5-disability-care/32-carer-s-guilt-it-s-ok-to-care-for-you-too" target="_blank">Careseekers.com.au.</a> Related links: <a href="/health/caring/2016/05/ageing-in-home-in-the-21st-century/">A look at ageing in-home in the 21st century</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/04/tips-for-choosing-a-carer/">Top 5 things to consider when choosing a carer</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/04/tips-to-for-finding-short-term-carer-help/">What to when you need a carer NOW</a>

Caring

10 things you need to stop feeling guilty about now

Feel guilty every time you’ve done something you think you shouldn’t have? The next time you’re about to blurt out apologies for one of the following, stop yourself. These “bad” habits don’t justify your feelings of guilt. In fact, they’re really not that bad. 1. Telling people “no”. It can be hard to turn people’s invitations down, but sometimes you just have to do it. You’re not obligated to say yes to anything so don’t feel bad for saying no. 2. Doing nothing. Every single moment of the day doesn’t have to be filled with being productive. Sometimes you just need a break and everybody deserves a break. 3. Indulging in junk food. As long as it’s only every so often, there’s no need to give yourself a hard time for not sticking to your healthy meal plan. 4. Taking a nap. Go ahead and have your cat nap as napping is proven to help memory retention, lower stress levels and increase productivity. 5. Standing up for yourself. There will be moments in life where you have to stand your ground. There’s no need to be rude or offensive about it, but if somebody has wronged you then you have every right to tell them. Don’t feel guilty for stopping others from taking advantage of you. 6. Being single. Despite what society says, being single doesn’t mean your sad and lonely. If you’re single and loving it, embrace it with open arms. 7. Not having a clean house all the time. It’s a common refrain to hear the host apologising for the lack of tidiness or cleanliness of their house. It’s ok to not have a neat home all the time and it doesn’t reflect on you as a person. 8. Spending money. As long as it’s within your means and not too exorbitant, it’s ok to make a big purchase if it will bring you happiness. 9. Not wanting to be friends with someone anymore. Some friends will stay in your life forever, but others are meant to be let go. Don’t waste your emotional energy on friends who doesn’t treat you as a friend should. 10. About feeling guilty. Guilt is not necessarily bad. It’s ok to feel guilty, but don’t let feelings of guilt overtake your life. If you made a mistake, understand it, learn from it and move on. Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2016/01/how-to-stop-feeling-guilty/%20">How to stop feeling guilty</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2016/01/how-to-get-out-of-a-mental-rut/%20">7 mental shifts to get yourself out of a rut</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2016/01/become-a-more-positive-person-now/">Become a more positive person now</a>

Mind

6 expert tips for letting go of guilt

Alison Ogier-Price, a mental health educator and vice-president of the New Zealand Association of Positive Psychology, offers some great tips on how to deal with that gnawing feeling of guilt. It won't come as a surprise to be reminded that you can't change the past. But you may think, if only I hadn't done that. If only I could go back and undo it. Perhaps you were hurtful to someone, or gave a bad impression, or made the wrong decision, or any of the actions we probably all do that we may live to regret... Whatever it was, the guilt lingers. You know that thought that prods you every time it comes to mind, and it keeps coming to mind? You think time will pass and you'll forget or at least become indifferent, but you never do. Weeks, months and years later, still that thing you did pops back up only to weigh you down, and crush your spirit. These feelings may happen occasionally, or so frequently and all-consuming that your day-to-day functioning is affected. Worst of all is the negative impact it may have on your relationships – avoiding people that you are embarrassed to see, or trying so hard with a relationship to make up for what you did. Guilt is valuable Feelings of guilt and regret can be very useful emotions, as they serve as a moral compass, a heads-up that something we have done is not right for us, doesn't fit with our values. We can't change the past, but clearly something needs to change for us to feel okay again, to get rid of that nibbling, gnawing feeling. What doesn't help is replaying it over and over in your mind, trying to create a different situation of how it could have been better, when all you are doing is increasing the experience of pain and reinforcing the thoughts of guilt. Letting go of guilt Psychologists offer some handy tips for how to deal with these feelings to reduce their negative effects on you in the longer-term: 1. Recognise the impact that a feeling of guilt or regret is having on you, on your sense of wellbeing, on how you view yourself, on how you behave, and on your relationships with others. Be honest with yourself and recognise the feeling for what it is. 2. Take responsibility for the part you played, for what you said or did. Tell someone you can trust about it, so that you can speak it out loud, or write it down, acknowledging what happened, and reducing the power that hidden pain has over you. 3. Learn from the experience of what you said or did. Evaluate how it happened, whether you were thoughtless, behaving recklessly, or under the influence of alcohol or peer-pressure, or not being mindful of your relationship. Remind yourself that you cannot change the past, but by learning from it, you can avoid it happening again in the future. 4. Make amends if it is possible and appropriate. Firstly though, consider whether it may increase the harm to others to do so. Make sincere amends including words of personal responsibility and expressing your learning and how it changes you, and have no expectation of immediate forgiveness. Where possible, make it right, or make improvements. 5. Change the behaviour at the root of the situation. Truly reflect on it and make every effort to pay attention when something similar may be occurring. Change your behaviour. Negative effects on you, others, and your relationships will be far less if dealt with sooner, and not left to fester. 6. Accept imperfection that is inherent in all of us. We make mistakes, we use bad judgement. Like it or not, it probably won't be your last time acting in a way you will regret. Forgive yourself and love the humanity of you with all its flaws. The most important of these tips is to learn from what we regret. Learn about what our feelings of guilt tell us about what we value. Learn how to be courageous in asking for forgiveness of others, and forgiving ourselves. And learn that we can use our experiences of guilt and regret to change and grow. First appeared on <a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/">Stuff.co.nz.</a> Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2015/11/how-to-banish-negative-thoughts/">7 ways to banish negative thoughts</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2015/11/how-to-be-happy-in-todays-world/">How to be truly happy in today’s world</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2015/12/learning-to-face-your-fears/">Learning to face your fears</a>

Mind

How to stop feeling guilty

Traditionally guilt is an emotion that kicks in to tell us that something is morally wrong with our actions. As a child we may have felt guilty for stealing a biscuit from the jar without anyone seeing, or for not standing up to a bully when a friend gets picked on. But as we get older, guilt can hit us daily, even when we are not really doing anything wrong. Why do I feel guilty? Usually guilty feelings happen when we feel as though our actions are negatively affecting someone else. That could be a physical action or an emotional one. Use guilt as a signpost that perhaps your behaviour needs to change. If you feel guilt for working too much and neglecting your partner, it could be time to reduce your hours and spend more quality time at home. If you feel guilty because you haven’t spoken to a friend after an argument, now could be the time to pick up the phone and make the first steps to rectify the relationship. This is known as healthy guilt, as it can lead to positive changes in your life. Then there is guilt that is not so healthy, which can affect us even when something doesn’t need to be rectified. For instance a new mother might feel guilty for leaving her baby with her husband while she goes out to see a movie. Even though her actions are positive (doing something for herself is good for her mental health) she feels guilty as she feels as though she should be at home with her child. This type of guilt serves no positive purpose, yet it can be difficult to shake off. How can I reduce my guilty feelings? Use the healthy guilt as a catalyst for change. If things don’t feel right, make the moves now to fix them and this will most likely get rid of the guilty feelings. If we don’t pay attention to the reasons that guilt is striking, it will end up happening again as our behaviour won’t change. Notice how it makes you feel to have to apologise for hurting someone’s feelings and chances are you will think twice about doing it again in the future. If you are experiencing a lot of unhealthy guilt, it can be a good option to discuss your feelings with a friend. Getting someone else’s perspective can help you to see that what you are feeling is not rational or helpful. How can I stop obsessing after the fact? Making amends for a situation that has made you feel guilty can be a positive step. But if you keep feeling guilty afterwards or feel as though you should be punished in some way for your actions, this can have negative implications on your life and relationships. If you have righted the wrong, it’s time to draw a line in the sand and move on with your life. How can guilt make me a better person? Remember that the purpose of guilt isn’t just to make us feel bad for no reason. It is actually a learning opportunity as it can teach us something about how best to interact with others. Firstly, guilt can tell us to apologise (say, for an inappropriate comment) and secondly it can remind us not to continue speaking this way in the future. The unhealthy guilt doesn’t offer such valuable life lessons, but we can learn to be kinder to ourselves. If you feel guilty about things that most people wouldn’t give a second thought, it can be an emotionally draining way to live. Noticing this and giving yourself a break is the first step to feeling better about your behaviours. Is a guilt-free existence possible? The truth is, we all feel guilty sometimes because we are all humans that make mistakes. There is no point obsessing about never offending anyone or causing any sadness to others as it is an almost impossible task. Sometimes you will forget someone’s birthday, or you might say the wrong thing at the wrong time – but know that you can make amends for your mistakes. Related links: <a href="/health/mind/2015/11/kindness-leads-to-happiness-research/">People are happier when they do good</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2016/01/why-its-hard-to-remember-peoples-names/">Why it’s so hard to remember people’s names</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2016/01/quotes-about-self-improvement/">Inspiring quotes from the world’s most successful people</a>

Mind

Tonight you can enjoy a vino and some chocolate guilt free. Here's why...

The news we’ve all been waiting for – chocolate and wine may improve memory function in older adults according to two studies. So tonight you can enjoy your vino and bar of dark chocolate (almost) guilt free.In one study, the Universities of Texas, Kentucky and Maryland have found that moderate alcohol consumption — that is, one or two drinks a day — was associated with better memory inthose aged over 60 as well as a larger hippocampus, the area of the brain thought to be responsible for memory.Whereas in a separate study, researchers from Columbia University found that in participants that consumed a beverage high in cocoa flavonols for three months, that the dietary compounds found in cocoa beans performed better in some markers of memory performance than people who drank a low-flavonol version.Lead author Brian Downer, from the study to come out of the Universities of Texas, Kentucky and Maryland, said the amount of alcohol people consumed in middle age had no real effect on cognitive function as they aged."This may be due to the fact that adults who are able to continue consuming alcohol into old age are healthier, and therefore have higher cognition and larger regional brain volumes, than people who had to decrease their alcohol consumption due to unfavourable health outcomes," he said."There were significant differences in cognitive functioning according to late life, but not midlife, alcohol consumption status."Patients who were light alcohol consumers during late life had significantly higher episodic memory compared to late life abstainers, whereas no significant differences between moderate and heavy alcohol consumers were detected compared to abstainers."In the study from Columbia University, researchers found that participants who had consumed a high cocoa flavonol beverage performed better in some memory tests than those who consumed the low flavonol version. The researchers have suggested the improved performance may have been caused by increased blood volume in the brain."If a participant had the memory of a typical 60-year-old at the beginning of the study, after three months that person on average had the memory of a typical 30- or 40-year-old," said author Scott A Small, adding that the findings now need to be replicated in a large scale study.The findings, which are published in the American Journal of Alzheimer's Disease and Other Dementias and Nature Neuroscience respectively, seemingly add weight to the idea that everything in moderation could be key to improved memory in old age.

Mind

How to indulge over Easter without the guilt

With Easter upon us, many people will be treating themselves to a few chocolate eggs and perhaps a hot cross bun or two over the long weekend. If you’re feeling especially indulgent, you may even go out for a hot breakfast at a favourite café (or whip up something special at home). While Easter indulging tends to be less plentiful than at Christmas, it’s still important to think about what eat and how it can affect your body.Hot cross bunsDespite the fact that they’re filled with dried fruit and some nutritious spices (like cinnamon), hot cross buns tend to sit on the less-than-great side of nourishment. Typically made with refined white flour, these traditional symbols of good luck may ward off evil, but they’re basically filled with empty calories.While we’re not saying you should never ever eat them, we think it’s a good idea to moderate when you indulge in one. Perhaps go halves with a friend or family member, or go for a brisk walk afterwards.Chocolate eggsOver Easter, Australians will spend more than $185 million on chocolate. And while there’s no definitive conclusion either way, there are some studies that show the numerous health benefits to eating chocolate in various forms. Granted, the studies do tend to be limited in their scope, and findings can be fuzzy, but most find some kind of minor boon when consuming chocolate regularly.The most common result is significant but small improvements in blood flow after consuming chocolate. Some results have also shown a reduction in blood pressure.So while we aren’t going to tell you to gorge on chocolate eggs until you can’t stand, we think it’d be okay for you to treat yourself to a few morsels if the Easter Bunny leaves them. After all, it’s about everything in moderation, right? Just be sure to have balanced Easter lunch (with protein, lots of veggies and a nutritious portion of carbs) before indulging with any treats.Related links:<a href="/news/news/2015/03/sister-woodchopping-easter-show/" target="_blank">Meet the young sisters making waves at the Easter Show woodchopping</a><a href="/news/news/2015/03/kristin-layne-prom-dress/" target="_blank">This girl was bullied for her weight, but strangers came to her defense in the best way</a><a href="/news/news/2015/03/stray-dogs-turn-up-to-funeral/" target="_blank">These stray dogs turned up at the funeral of the woman who used to feed them</a>

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Guilt-free chocolate fudge cake

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How to stop feeling guilty

Tonight you can enjoy a vino and some chocolate guilt free. Here's why...

How to indulge over Easter without the guilt

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