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Keeping intimacy alive after menopause

When sex is no longer enjoyable due to the changes brought on by menopause, many women sadly give up, wrongly believing there is no solution. This can result in loneliness within a relationship even leading to separation or divorce. But there is help available and it comes down to addressing genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM), a syndrome no one talks about despite the fact it affects all post-menopausal women and unlike hot flushes, doesn’t go away. GSM covers a range of menopausal symptoms including incontinence, burning, stinging or itching of the vagina, delayed or impaired orgasm and reduced libido. The good news is, there is help available, even for women who are unable to use hormone therapy and it’s never too late to seek help and take action. Treat the pain Pain and discomfort during intimacy is often the result of vaginal dryness. This can be addressed in many ways including the use of lubricants or vaginal moisturisers but it’s worth talking to your GP about a longer term solution. For many women, menopause hormone therapy (MHT) will help. An alternative to MHT is radiofrequency treatment with <a title="https://www.inmode.com.au/pages/empower-rf" href="https://www.inmode.com.au/pages/empower-rf" data-outlook-id="5a8b7279-e5dc-4ab9-9f3d-b788bb0310ee">EmpowerRF</a> to rejuvenate the tissue and increase collagen and elastin. Take it slowly Often women want to rekindle intimacy with their partner but are not sure how to go about it and fear often inhibits them initiating any intimacy at all. A staged return to intimacy can help. This is achieved by an agreement to limit the intimacy to non-sexual cuddles, no matter the level of desire, for an agreed period of time such as two weeks. It’s a great way to reignite that spark in a comfortable way, before taking things to the next level when both partners are ready. Try new positions Laying side by side can give the woman greater control over the rate of entry and the depth of penetration. If there is pain, stop at that point and breath and only increase penetration once the tissues have relaxed. If pain is still preventing penetration, it is important to seek professional help to find a solution. An examination will determine whether there is any other reason for the pain. A doctor can discuss options including estrogen cream, radiofrequency treatment and even Botox to help relax the muscles. Address incontinence One in two post-menopausal women experience incontinence, which can be a large barrier to sexual intimacy. I have helped many women overcome their struggles with incontinence, using electrical muscle stimulation treatment (V Tone) and radiofrequency technology (Forma V and Morpheus8V) to rejuvenate the tissues and strengthen the pelvic floor muscles. It can be life changing. Dr Judy Craig is a Perth-based GP and cosmetic physician. She has practiced medicine for over 40 years. Image credits: Getty Images

Relationships

“Absolute agony”: Beauty therapist left housebound from steroid cream withdrawal

Beauty therapist and mother Karyn Flett said she has been “addicted” to steroid creams for over 40 years. In an attempt to ease her painful eczema, Flett revealed she had to wear a balaclava to contain her weeping skin. She began suffering from eczema patches on her face, hands and joints at age 11 and was prescribed topical steroid creams. Flett, 52, has used the medication for decades to soothe her itchy and inflamed skin, but she claims she decided to quit using it after experiencing sweats and rashes similar to menopause symptoms. The mum-of-three, from Fife, Scotland, said she was in “agony” when she went cold turkey and stopped using the medical cream in September 2022. She revealed she went into topical steroid withdrawal and developed a burning rash all over her body and experienced shakes and sweats. Flett was housebound for six months and unable to work due to her condition. She said water felt like acid on her skin and it was so itchy she felt like she could “tear herself to the bone”. The 52-year-old resorted to wearing a balaclava and full upper-body bandages for three months in order to keep her weeping skin from sticking to her pillow and sheets and to ease the pain of the relentless itching. She shared that at 45 she began to worry about one of the risks she knew of steroids - that they thin the skin. “I started thinking, ‘Right, I need to use these less’,” Flett said. “I was going into bouts of withdrawal and getting these severe symptoms, such as shakes and sweats. I had symptoms similar to menopause. “I went away in September and decided not to take my steroid cream, and went into full-blown withdrawal.” Flett explained she had a burning rash from her feet to her entire body. “My face was on fire, it was swollen. My eyes were really hard to open, they were swollen,” she said. ”I went off my food, and then I started going into full-blown shakes. “When I travelled home, my clothes stuck to my skin. “I blistered from my calf up to the back of my thigh and I could feel fluid running down my leg.” When she arrived home, her husband had to help her into the shower and she had to rip the clothing off her skin. “When I first got it, I couldn’t bathe all the time, it was just too painful. The water was like acid,” she said. “I’ve always been a mum who likes to do my hair, makeup, get my lashes done, nails and look my best on a night out. “That just left me. You lose all your self confidence, and you don’t know how you ever get back to the person you were.” Flett described the first four to six months of withdrawal as being the worst. “It’s been likened to being worse than a heroin addiction,” she said. “You get a deep, absolute bone itch with topical steroid withdrawal. “It’s absolute agony, you feel like you can tear yourself down to the bone.” Image credit: Facebook

Body

Renovating your home could ruin your relationship… but it doesn’t have to

Many <a href="https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/covid-home-renovations-1.5856136">Canadians have turned to home renovations</a> to find space — both literally and metaphorically — after a year of working, learning, exercising and doing just about everything else from home. As we head into spring and summer, the most popular seasons for home improvement, it’s important for couples to set ground rules before breaking ground. While more living space, a dedicated home office or upgraded kitchen might ease the strain the pandemic has put on homes and families, the renovation process, which <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/life-after-50/201811/renovation-and-couples-conflict">tests relationships at the best of times</a>, could put more stress on partnerships already cracking under the weight of the past year. Contractors and architects say the recent surge in renovation work has them fielding up to five times as many calls per day than they were pre-pandemic. And according to a recent <a href="https://abacusdata.ca/home-renovations-covid-19/">Abacus Data survey</a>, 44 per cent of Canadian households have done or are planning to do renovations this year. Most say they are doing the work so they can feel more relaxed in their homes. At the same time, <a href="https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/couples-counselling-covid19-1.5557110">phones are also ringing at couples counselling and family law offices</a> as more seek professional help to either preserve or dissolve their relationships. “Couples are experiencing a whole variety of stresses — childcare, household management, personal challenges, strains in the relationship — and the temperature has gone up during the pandemic,” says <a href="https://tribecatherapy.com/">New York City therapist Matt Lundquist</a>. He believes that while the stresses of the pandemic may not be the cause of marriage problems, they are revealing cracks that were already there. <h2>Relationship cracks on full display</h2> Renovations can widen relationship cracks as couples find themselves navigating financial stresses, extended disruptions and making thousands of decisions — from how much they can afford to spend to lower a basement to selecting drawer pulls for new kitchen cabinets. The process can amplify conflicting approaches to <a href="https://doi.org/10.9790/1684-1305064448">decision-making, unhealthy communication habits and latent tensions in relationships</a>. These strains are on display on <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/">Reddit’s r/relationship_advice</a>where desperate users seek advice for resolving renovation conflicts with their partners. From “I’m an <a href="https://www.16personalities.com/intp-personality">INTP</a>, he’s an <a href="https://www.16personalities.com/entj-personality">ENTJ</a>, we’re renovating and fighting so badly I fear our relationship will never recover” to “renovation taking way longer than expected, BF taking it personally when I try to speed the process along. We’re at a breaking point” and “renovation frustration with me (29f) and him (31m) — is this understandable or abuse?” Gloria Apostolu, principal architect at <a href="https://www.postarchitecture.com/">Post Architecture</a> in Toronto, pauses for a moment when asked how couples handle the demands of making so many decisions during a renovation. “Every client has their Achilles heel,” she says. “And it’s never where or what I expected.” <h2>Different breaking points</h2> Some of Apostolu’s clients can’t make sense of tiles. Others balk at the price of a front door or are overwhelmed by having to settle on a faucet type for the main-floor powder room all before the contractor even arrives to tear the place apart. Making high-stakes decisions as a couple, Lundquist explains, requires advanced skills, such as weighing pros and cons, gauging the level of acceptable risk and being decisive under pressure, or “pulling the trigger” in contractor parlance. It also requires what he calls relationality — listening and curiosity, taking turns, empathy and working to understand your partner’s point of view, even if you don’t see its logic or agree with it. “It tremendously taxes our skills not to react when our partner says something we disagree with, or isn’t what we expected,” says Lundquist. What really feeds a relationship, he adds, is trying to be curious about where your partner is coming from and resisting the temptation to shut them down or make a counter-argument before fully understanding their point of view. On the other hand, he often encounters partners who, in trying to keep the peace, are <a href="https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/mental-health/let-go-resentment">not assertive enough about what they want, which can lead to lingering dissatisfaction and resentment</a>. The last thing a relationship needs, Lundquist jokes, is a big, expensive, fixed piece of resentment that a couple is forced to stare at as they sit next to each other on the couch every evening. <h2>Honesty and a smooth renovation</h2> Apostolou echoes the need for openness as a foundation for a smooth renovation. She suggests devising a system at the start for resolving the inevitable conflicts that will arise. This could mean taking turns, or giving veto rights to the person who is most dedicated to that part of the home. For example, the person who does most of the cooking gets the final say on kitchen details. She advises it is most important to work it all out in drawings before you get started. “Don’t rush the design process. You don’t want to be making decisions that are more costly than they would have been if they were planned out in advance.” Apostolu’s no-surprises approach has garnered <a href="https://www.houzz.com/professionals/architects-and-building-designers/post-architecture-inc-pfvwus-pf%7E847407266">effusive five-star reviews</a> from clients on home design and improvement website Houzz. One is from Stephanie Nickson, a financial services consultant, and her partner David Raniga, who now runs his massage therapy practice in the light-filled basement of their recently renovated home in Toronto’s Wychwood neighbourhood. Raniga jokes that the hardest part of the process was dealing with his wife’s inability to make decisions. But because they remained open to each other’s needs throughout the process and stuck with the vision and budget they set at the beginning, they say they actually miss the process now that it is over. And they are almost giddy with the result. “I literally say I love this house every day. We were so lucky,” Nickson says. Image credits: Getty Images This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/renovating-your-home-could-ruin-your-relationship-but-it-doesnt-have-to-157942" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>.

Home Hints & Tips

“Such intimacy is rare in everyday life”: The benefits of playing music can’t be understated

Whether you’re driving in the car, riding in a lift, or attending a concert, music is everywhere. For many, our involvement in creating music stopped outside of high school music classes and attempts to learn the recorder, keyboard, guitar, or to sing. Or it might have included playing in the school band, taking music lessons as a child, or maybe even continuing to play at university. But playing music is something that often falls to the wayside as we get older, with the demands of work, home and family taking priority. Given that playing music has benefits for our mental health, including easing anxiety and depression, feelings of satisfaction with life and health, and even reduced alexithymia - a dysfunction affecting emotional awareness, social attachment and how we relate to others - it’s an activity that many of us can reap benefits from. For Stephen O’Doherty, the conductor and musical director of Golden Kangaroos Concert Band, music has been an outlet for expressing himself creatively and maintaining his wellbeing - and he has seen similar effects in many of the players he works and plays with. “Having outlets to express myself creatively through musical performance has been absolutely essential in maintaining my wellbeing and having a stable quality of life,” he tells OverSixty. “The (Golden Kangaroos) have many members who have joined later in life. For some it is a chance to take up the same opportunity they gave their children, encouraging them to learn music at school and wishing they could have done the same. “For others it is the idea that playing music will help them to keep their brains active as they enter later life. For others, or perhaps for all of the above, joining a community band is a way of finding their tribe, their people, a safe place where people of a like mind can learn, grow, and contribute together. “Knowing the many life stories of our members, I can say with absolute alacrity that band contributes to their identity and self-fulfilment in ways that may never be explicitly known but are formative and extremely significant.” <img src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/2022/12/gks0.jpg" alt="" width="1280" height="720" /> With the benefits of playing music established, taking music into a community environment brings with it additional benefits to our wellbeing. In a study <a href="https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1163211.pdf">published</a> in the London Review of Education, Dr Debra Rodgers, whose PhD focused on community music and mental health-related stigma, argued that community music can be beneficial in helping both to distract participants from their personal worries and as a place where they can interact without fear or judgement. O’Doherty agrees, adding that playing in a group is a way for many to truly be themselves. “We know that learning music has beneficial effects intellectually and emotionally. Learning or performing with others adds a social dimension that, I think, is critically important,” he says. “At its best, playing in a well-run musical group helps us to express our emotions in a safe and structured way, and that is good for the soul. We are part of something bigger than ourselves and, when we play for an audience, we are (hopefully) gifting them a great experience. Enriching others also enriches us. “For many, band is the place where they are most fulfilled. Where their contribution matters. Where they will be missed if absent. Where they are safe when expressing their creativity. “To play music alone is good. It is personally satisfying and should not be underrated. But to play with others and achieve a pleasing outcome for an audience is a whole new level. It both fosters and requires a level of interpersonal communication between performers that is beyond words. “Such intimacy is rare in everyday life. It enriches the human experience in a unique and very special way.” <img src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/2022/12/gks2.jpg" alt="" width="1280" height="720" /> For O’Doherty, playing music has had added benefits when it comes to his own mental health, including managing the symptoms of depression. “Depression is a serious and debilitating condition which, untreated, will attack our self-worth and seriously affect our quality of life. I have lived with this condition for my entire life,” he explains. “... if I can’t perform music I am not being fully me. I am somehow less than whole. Music is a way I find wholeness, an acceptance of who I am and of what I can contribute to the world around me. “When a black mood sets in and starts attacking my self-worth, playing music is one of the few things that can restore me, and I find joy and purpose in seeing the beneficial impact on the members of our group.” As for those who may have played music in the past or have always wanted to learn, O’Doherty suggests finding a safe place to give it a go. “Many people go through the stage of leaving their earlier musical learning behind. After school or Uni life gets busy!” he says. “I want to encourage people however to think about this: when you were the best version of yourself, was performing music part of the equation? If the answer is yes (or even maybe) then do you not owe it to yourself and your loved ones to return? And if you’ve not yet tried to learn an instrument but have a yearning desire to express your creative instincts in this way, what do you have to lose? “Find a safe place to explore your interest and give it a go! Creative expression is part of what it is to be truly human. Perhaps music is your pathway to a more fulsome life.” Images: Stuart Coster (Supplied)

Mind

How to overcome the ‘Sunday scaries,’ according to a therapist

How to overcome your Sunday scaries According to an Australian Institute of Health and Welfare report, most Australians are working longer hours – spending more time on the job than on their household activities, caring for family, education, meals, personal care and leisure combined. If this grind sounds familiar, you probably don’t need scientific data to tell you how much Mondays can suck (though back in 2011, University of Vermont researchers used Twitter data to confirm indeed, we all hate. Mondays the most). In recent years, these Monday blues have crept into our off-the-clock hours, too: a phenomenon that’s increasingly coming to be known as the ‘Sunday scaries.’ Five reasons this ‘anticipatory anxiety’ happens “The Sunday scaries is an overwhelming feeling of dread and anxiety about going to work or school the next day,” says clinical psychologist, Dr Renée L. Goff. Depending on your schedule, this anxiety doesn’t necessarily have to hit on a Sunday, but whenever you’re spending what’s meant to be personal time stressing about upcoming work. And what do the Sunday scaries feel like? “Some people describe it as a heaviness they can feel in their body, while others feel so jittery they could jump out of their skin,” Dr Goff says. “You’re also very aware of the time ticking away and the freedom of your weekend coming to a close.” It’s also extremely common. Based on different polls, 75 to 80 per cent of people experience the Sunday scaries, says therapist Amanda Stemen. But just because it’s widespread doesn’t mean it’s not manageable. Here’s how experts say you can ease your Sunday anxiety. Structure your Sunday “Structure can be a best friend when [you’re] feeling the Sunday scaries,” says psychotherapist, Angela Ficken. “Instead of sitting on the couch and watching the clock, go do something that you enjoy.” You might still get whiffs of that sense of dread, but that feeling is harder to hold onto when you are engaging in something that makes you feel good, she says. Plus, research tells us that adding structure to our days can help give us a greater sense of control and improve mental health. That’s why it’s not just important to structure your Sundays, but to be consistent with it, Ficken says. Don’t forget to relax The Australian Government Department of Health data shows just how little time we have during the week to tend to non-work activities – but when you’re planning out your Sunday, try not to cram in too many errands and chores. If you’re feeling more stress in general, it’s important to make space for relaxing activities in your Sunday plan to ground yourself, says marriage and family therapist Naiylah Warren. And there’s no right way to relax. “Maybe a body scan meditation, maybe a mid-afternoon shower or bath, maybe an engaging movie or show,” Warren says. “[Whatever] feels like a helpful distraction to reground from the scaries.” Pinpoint anxiety sources behind the Sunday scaries Anxiety is a normal human experience, and one of the main ways to manage it is to identify your personal triggers. “Try to pinpoint what is really causing you to dread the week,” Dr Goff says. “Is it a deadline, meeting or presentation?” Even if there’s not a sole reason behind your Sunday anxiety, organising the stress you expect from the week ahead into bite-size chunks can help make it all more manageable. “Create multiple to-do lists,” Dr Goff recommends. One list for tasks that need to be completed immediately, another for tasks that are less urgent, and a final list for tasks that you’d like to complete at some point. “Seeing these can help put into perspective what is important and what you can let go of for now,” she says. “This can help decrease the anticipation of the stress and dread of the week.” Create some excitement for the week ahead Getting rid of the Sunday scaries isn’t just about tempering the doom-and-gloom of the week ahead, either. “Having something to look forward to also gives you something to think about that’s pleasing rather than only focusing on the dread you feel,” Ficken says. It’s a form of reframing your thoughts: instead of focusing on the awful things you expect from the week, build excitement over a coffee or lunch date with a friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with. “This gives you the opportunity to shift your thoughts to something fun and will help improve your mood.” End your Sunday with the right energy Whether you want glowing skin, a sounder sleep or a mental health boost, a great nighttime routine can come with major health benefits. But if you suffer from the Sunday scaries, you may want to build a special routine for these more anxiety-ridden evenings, Warren says. “This is an opportunity to give yourself proper wind-down time – maybe you want to journal, do a face mask, read a few pages of your book – allow yourself to decompress so you can feel empowered and confident you’ll be ready for the next day,” she says. And do your best to honour this “you” time. That means, when possible, make Sunday night about your self-care – and leave the work emails for Monday morning. Written by Leslie Finlay. This article first appeared in <a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/healthsmart/conditions/mental-health/how-to-overcome-the-sunday-scaries-according-to-a-therapist" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Reader’s Digest</a>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, <a href="http://readersdigest.innovations.com.au/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&utm_medium=articles&utm_campaign=RDSUB&keycode=WRA87V" target="_blank" rel="noopener">here’s our best subscription offer.</a> Image: Getty Images

Mind

How to use the 5 love languages, according to therapists

Your love language isn’t English, Italian, German, Portuguese, or any other verbal language you can learn in school. The term refers to the ways in which people give and receive love in their lives. Although this includes romantic love, it may also affect how we prefer to give and receive love in friendships and other relationships too. They can also shed light on your personal habits or behaviour that might not seem to be linked to love languages or relationships at all. For example, a viral TikTok pointed out that your love language could be linked to self-destructive habits. If your preferred love language is words of affirmation, you might be prone to negative self-talk, or if your love language is gifts, you may tend to over-spend. That’s just one of the many ways people might use love languages to learn more about relationships and their own mental health. Not sure what your love language is? Here’s what you need to know about the five love languages, including love language examples, how to determine yours, and other insights and relationship advice from therapists. The history of the five love languages The love language concept comes from the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which was first published in 1992. In it, he describes the most common ways that people communicate love, based on his experience in marriage counselling and linguistics. Everyone has a different idea of how to express love to those around them, explains Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist. The trick is avoiding language barriers when your love language differs from that of your partner, family, or friend. Couples need to find balance and harmony given their respective styles and differences to make sure they speak the language of love, says Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist and author of several books, including What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. What are the five love languages? Acts of service “Some of us prefer to express our appreciation through various acts of service, like running errands for our partners,” Hafeez says. This love language essentially refers to the things loved ones do for each other to make their lives easier. Gifts Giving or receiving gifts is a somewhat straightforward love language. People value the thought and effort that goes into the gift-giving process. “People who speak this language cherish the gift and the time and thought put into the gift,” Hafeez adds. Physical touch Physical signs of affection, like hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and having sex, are ways to connect and communicate appreciation for those who prefer this love language. “The love language physical touch includes those who require physical attention to express and know that they are loved,” Hafeez says. Quality time Those who identify with this love language prioritize spending attentive time with their partner or loved one. People who rely on quality time to express their passion need undivided attention from their loved ones instead of a simple “I love you,” according to Hafeez. Speaking this love language may look like identifying a favourite activity to do together, acknowledging it, and doing it together. Words of affirmation People who prefer this love language value verbal and/or written communication and acknowledgment. Those who speak this language prefer to express and receive their love through spoken words, rather than just spending time together, per Hafeez. What is my love language? Determining your love language requires looking at how you prefer to express and receive love. Hafeez notes that you can identify with more than one. “Not everyone has just one way that they like to show their appreciation,” she says. “It’s common to have a combination of the five.” Paul Hokemeyer, a clinical and consulting psychotherapist and author of Fragile Power: Why Having Everything Is Never Enough adds that not only is it possible to have more than one love language, but it’s also beneficial. “Humans are dynamic and multidimensional. We change and grow over time,” he says. “As such, we need to be able to communicate in a host of languages. The ability to do so opens up our lives and our hearts and enables us to have rich and meaningful lives.” And, no, one language isn’t “better” than another. “I think to make a judgment over which is better or not is to ultimately limit the way love is conveyed, shared, and expressed,” Greer says. The pros of love languages Hafeez says that knowing each other’s love languages can be very helpful for both parties while in a relationship. Hokemeyer agrees, saying the concept of love languages is brilliant. Here’s how they may help: Deepen understanding Rather than question whether you’re meeting your partner’s needs, discuss love languages to get a deep understanding of what they need, recommends Hafeez. “Knowing how to communicate and express your love eliminates miscommunication in the relationship,” she says. Greer adds that another benefit is that love languages help your partner appreciate what’s important to you, what you consider loving, and what you appreciate. Improve communication People can form better relationships with more communication if they know how to express and receive love, according to Hafeez. For example, if someone knows they need words of affirmation to feel loved, they can communicate that to their partner, making the relationship much healthier. Simplify love Love languages give people a concrete way to think about how to give and receive love in a meaningful way, according to Hokemeyer. “They provide us with language to talk about what can be a very abstract feeling,” he says. This helps people manage the raft of consuming negative feelings when we intuitively know the relationship isn’t right. Build the relationship Romantic relationships require reciprocation to be meaningful and enduring, Hokemeyer says. That means that there must be an emotional and physical give and take. “Love languages enable people to figure out what they want to take and what they need to give,” he says. “They are helpful in that they provide a starting point from which couples can learn about their partner and themselves.” For this reason, it’s important to look at them as an art form that you are constantly practising and striving to improve, Hokemeyer says. The cons of love languages A 2017 study in the journal Personal Relationships looked at whether couples with aligned love languages experience more relationship satisfaction. The researchers looked at 67 couples and found that neither sharing the same love language nor knowledge of a partner’s primary love language corresponds with higher relationship satisfaction. So although the experts see value in this concept, there are limits to the benefits. It can be narrow-minded Hafeez says that, in some cases, love languages can hurt a relationship. “If all the focus is put on speaking in your partner’s love language, you can sometimes forget to listen to what they are saying,” she says. In addition, love languages can change throughout a relationship, so just sticking to one love language can eventually become irritating, according to Hafeez. That’s a real downside, according to Hokemeyer, who says identifying your love language may cause you to see it as fixed and exclusive. “The truth of the matter is that most people are bilingual – they can enjoy multiple love languages,” he says. It’s key to remember these languages are dynamic. They can change throughout life as people mature and come to value different aspects of love and romance. It could cause competition Another problem: love languages can create an issue of “who does more” overall for the relationship. For example, one person can feel as if they are speaking their partner’s love language all the time, but maybe their partner isn’t stepping up to the plate, Hafeez explains. “This can create a sort of score-keeping attitude and create ongoing issues, such as feeling like one person loves more in a relationship or that the relationship is unequal,” she says. The discussion may be misread Another con that could come out of discussing love languages is that sometimes, when you tell your partner what you like, want, or need, they can translate it as a demand. They may misinterpret it as a control tactic, Greer explains. It's not a cure-all It’s important to remember that knowing each other’s love language will not cure all your relationship troubles, Hafeez notes. Image credit: Shutterstock This article first appeared in <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/how-to-use-the-5-love-languages-according-to-therapists" target="_blank">Reader's Digest</a>.

Relationships

5 tips to cope with overwhelming feelings

As we struggle with living in isolation, keeping up with work and staying connected to family and friends, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed. <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/therapywithshar/?hl=en" target="_blank">Sharnade George</a>, a celebrity therapist, presenter and writer, shares her five tips for getting on top of overwhelming feelings and learning to cope with them. 1. Acknowledge the feeling When you start to feel panicked, anxious, or out of control, acknowledging the feeling and being able to name it is the starting point for understanding it and managing it. This advice extends beyond feeling overwhelmed, too. All of our emotions tell us something, and understanding how an emotion feels in your body and how you respond to it can make managing it that much easier. 2. Know what you can control To alleviate panic, it’s important to know what you can and can’t control in your day-to-day life. Being able to identify controllable and uncontrollable aspects of your life can help you decide where to focus your energy and what things you might choose to let go of. For example, if the news is leaving you feeling overwhelmed, you could choose to limit your consumption by watching it once a week or avoid reading it while scrolling on your phone - letting you control what you see. <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> This graphic is very empowering to us - focus on the things you can control! <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/WellspringMiami?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#WellspringMiami</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/RestoringHeartsAndMinds?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#RestoringHeartsAndMinds</a> <a href="https://t.co/YmtnmyM5XQ">pic.twitter.com/YmtnmyM5XQ</a> — Wellspring Miami (@WellspringMiami) <a href="https://twitter.com/WellspringMiami/status/1241459301656518656?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 21, 2020</a></blockquote> In a similar vein, making time for things you know will make you feel better, such as exercise, meditating, journaling, or eating something that brings you joy, can be another way to alleviate panicky feelings. 3. Take a breath Since panic causes breathlessness, using <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.healthline.com/health/breathing-exercises-for-anxiety#abdomen-breathing" target="_blank">breathing techniques</a> - such as lengthening your exhale or breathing from your diaphragm - can help you feel calmer. In an overwhelming moment, George recommends breathing in for four seconds, then breathing out for four seconds, and repeating the exercise three times. 4. Use affirmations Positive affirmations can help to ground and relax you when things get stressful. <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CNjxmYohp2P/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="13"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CNjxmYohp2P/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">A post shared by Sharnade | Celebrity Therapist (@therapywithshar)</a> </div> </blockquote> Instead of thinking about how out of control the world may seem at the moment, George recommends repeating phrases such as “I am doing my best” and “I can manage this” to shift your focus and stay calm. 5. Avoid catastrophising Though it can feel difficult to not catastrophise - when your mind assumes the worst possible outcome of a situation will happen - practicing alternative thoughts and behaviours can help. Engaging in mindfulness can help you control your thoughts and allow you to recognise when they are irrational.

Mind

Woman goes viral for sharing therapist’s simple tip to fall asleep

One woman has shared this simple yet effective tip to combatting your insomnia. Emily Bronchu took to TikTok to reveal her therapist’s trick to help you sleep better. “So a therapist gave me this trick for when you can’t sleep, I’m gonna share it with you for free cause I paid for the information,” she said. “So I was laying in bed and I can’t sleep. I put on my Sleep Stories, I went to bed at a normal time, I just couldn’t sleep. I was tossing and turning, tossing and turning, tossing and turning.” Emily says the key to fixing this is setting a “time limit”. “If you’re not sleeping within 20 minutes, get up and write down everything that you’re thinking about and do it until you’re tired and then go back to sleep. And it works,” she said. “The reason it’s important to get out of bed is that if you stay in bed your brain will eventually connect with ‘I’m supposed to be awake when I am here.’ You don’t want that connection to make you stay up super late, and when you go to bed you’re gonna be tired.” The post racked up over 98,000 likes and a number of comments from people sharing this trick had worked for them. Hundreds of people commenting on the clip, with many saying it had worked for them too. One person wrote, “I do something similar when I can’t sleep bc of stress. I get up and write down every single thing I’m stressed about, gets them out of my brain.” Another added, “I’ve recently been writing down all my thoughts in my journal before I go to bed and it helps me clear my mind so that I’m not thinking about every possibility.”

Caring

Want to see a therapist but don’t know where to start? Here’s how to get a mental health plan

Last week, the Australian government announced it will provide <a href="https://www.health.gov.au/ministers/the-hon-greg-hunt-mp/media/additional-covid-19-mental-health-support">ten extra</a> Medicare-subsidised psychological therapy sessions for Australians in lockdown areas due to COVID-19. In such a stressful time, many people are <a href="https://theconversation.com/coronavirus-is-stressful-here-are-some-ways-to-cope-with-the-anxiety-133146">experiencing poorer mental health</a>, and some need additional support. However, our mental health system is <a href="https://www.aph.gov.au/Parliamentary_Business/Committees/Senate/Former_Committees/mentalhealth/report/c02">complex and fragmented</a>, so it can be challenging to find the care you need. Here’s how to start seeing a therapist if you never have before. What is a mental health treatment plan? Under Medicare, you can already <a href="https://gpmhsc.org.au/info/detail/5d8b726e-e985-45ea-8bc5-00d1ec3cc5ca/mental-health-and-how-your-gp-can-help">access ten subsidised sessions</a> per calendar year with a registered psychologist, social worker or occupational therapist. Twenty sessions are now subsidised “for anybody who has used their initial ten services in a lockdown area under a public health order,” <a href="https://www.health.gov.au/ministers/the-hon-greg-hunt-mp/media/doorstop-interview-in-melbourne-on-2-august-2020">said</a> Federal Health Minister Greg Hunt. Currently this includes all of Victoria. But to get access to these sessions, first you need to get a <a href="https://www1.health.gov.au/internet/main/publishing.nsf/Content/betteraccess_factsheet_for_patients">mental health treatment plan</a> from your GP. This involves an assessment of your physical and mental health, and a discussion of your particular needs. The GP then helps you decide what services you need. All GPs who write mental health treatment plans have undergone <a href="https://theconversation.com/your-first-point-of-contact-and-your-partner-in-recovery-the-gps-role-in-mental-health-care-124083">additional training in mental health</a>. There are also plenty of <a href="https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/2-findingamentalhealthfriendlydoctor.pdf">GPs with further interest and expertise</a> in this area. It can be helpful to ask for recommendations from friends and family if you are unsure who to see. Physical and mental health issues <a href="https://nswmentalhealthcommission.com.au/sites/default/files/publication-documents/Physical%20health%20and%20wellbeing%20-%20final%208%20Apr%202016%20WEB.pdf">frequently overlap</a>, so a visit to a GP is an opportunity to assess any physical issues that may impact mental health as well. The GP should explore a person’s strengths and vulnerabilities, before agreeing on a plan for care. Generally, this process takes 30-40 minutes, so it’s important to book a longer consultation with your doctor. At the end of this consultation, you can have a copy of the plan, and it’s also sent to the therapist of your choice. Once the mental health plan is billed to Medicare, you can get subsidised sessions with your preferred therapist. You will need to make the appointment with the therapist, but GPs or practice nurses will often help make this appointment for patients who are feeling too unwell to manage this phone call. Using telehealth Telehealth enables you to get care from your GP by phone or video. The Medicare requirements of telehealth are changing rapidly, so check when you make your appointment to see if telehealth is available and to make sure you will be eligible for a Medicare rebate for this consultation. At the moment, <a href="http://www.mbsonline.gov.au/internet/mbsonline/publishing.nsf/Content/Factsheet-TempBB">to get a Medicare rebate for telehealth</a>, you must have seen the GP in their practice face-to-face at some point in the past 12 months. But this requirement doesn’t apply to: <ul> <li>children under 12 months</li> <li>people who are homeless</li> <li>patients living in a COVID-19 impacted area</li> <li>patients receiving an urgent after-hours service</li> <li>patients of medical practitioners at an Aboriginal Medical Service or an Aboriginal Community Controlled Health Service.</li> </ul> So if you live under the Victorian lockdowns, you can get a mental health care plan via telehealth, even if you have not seen the GP before. Once you’ve got your care plan, you can do the therapy sessions via telehealth too. And you can now <a href="http://www.mbsonline.gov.au/internet/mbsonline/publishing.nsf/Content/Factsheet-TempBB">claim them under Medicare</a> (though this wasn’t the case before COVID-19). Choosing a therapist Your GP can help you choose a therapist, but it’s important to think about what you need from a psychologist. Psychological care can range from coaching when life is particularly challenging, to deep and complex work helping people manage mental health disorders or trauma. Also consider the sort of person you prefer to see. Some people prefer practitioners from a particular cultural group, gender or location. You may have a preference for a very structured, problem-solving style, or you may want someone with a more conversational style. You may also have a preference for the type of therapy you need. If your GP can’t recommend someone appropriate, or if you are having trouble finding someone who is available to meet your needs, the Australian Psychological Society has a <a href="https://www.psychology.org.au/Find-a-Psychologist">searchable database of therapists</a>. Psychologists, occupational therapists and social workers must be registered under Medicare to provide these services, so it’s important to check this with the receptionist when you make your appointment. The Medicare rebate varies according to the qualifications of the practitioner, and a psychologist’s fees may be well above the rebate, so clarify your expected out-of-pocket expenses when you make an initial appointment. A clinical psychologist has additional training, and will give you a rebate of around $128, whereas a general psychologist has a rebate of around $86. Remember that a psychologist may charge well above the rebate, so you may be out of pocket anywhere from nothing to over $200. If you decide seeing a therapist under a mental health plan is not the right option for you, there are some alternatives. Some non-government organisations, like <a href="https://headspace.org.au/">Headspace</a>, provide counselling services through Medicare for no additional cost, as do some <a href="https://www.psychology.org.au/for-the-public/about-psychology/What-does-a-psychologist-do/Psychologists-in-schools">schools</a>. Some workplaces also have psychological options like the <a href="https://www.eapaa.org.au/site/">Employee Assistance Program</a>. Some people benefit from <a href="https://theconversation.com/5-ways-to-get-mental-health-help-without-having-to-talk-on-the-phone-143491">online programs</a> that teach psychological techniques. <a href="https://headtohealth.gov.au/">Head to Health</a> also provides a searchable database of evidence-based sites to explore. Most are free or very low cost. If you are very unwell, local mental health services attached to public hospitals can provide crisis support and referral. These are difficult times. It’s important to at least discuss your situation with someone you trust if you’re having difficulty sleeping, your mood is affecting you or your family, or you’re having frightening or worrying thoughts. Your GP is a good, confidential first port of call. If you or someone you know needs assistance, contact Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 14, or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. Written by Louise Stone. Republished with permission of <a href="https://theconversation.com/want-to-see-a-therapist-but-dont-know-where-to-start-heres-how-to-get-a-mental-health-plan-143990">The Conversation.</a>

Retirement Life

Music therapist creates playlist to calm the mind

It may seem like we are living in an age of anxiety, where feeling worried, upset and stressed has become the norm. But we should remember that anxiety is a <a href="https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/about-anxiety/#.Xc6FEi10fq1">natural human response</a> to situations. It comes when we are not sure what is going to happen, or when we feel under threat. And even mild anxiety can have a negative effect on our ability to lead a productive life. It can interfere with being able to enjoy the simple things in life. When we experience anxiety, our heart and breathing rates increase and many other systems in our bodies <a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/effects-on-body#1">experience overload</a>. Anxiety affects our general physical health as well as our emotions. In my work as a music therapist, I’ve noticed the impact music can have on anxiety. For example, in <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIdtMOd8k8A">guided imagery sessions</a>, the therapist uses specially selected music and the client is invited to describe what they are feeling and what images the music conjures up. It’s amazing what insights can be gained from simply allowing yourself time to listen and talk about what you see in your mind’s eye. These may be as simple as becoming more aware of how music can affect emotions, or be used to explore past experiences or future dilemmas. It can also be used to find a place of comfort and a secure base where <a href="https://academic.oup.com/jmt/article-abstract/36/1/39/914646?redirectedFrom=fulltext">physical and emotional balance</a> can be found. A <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/relaxing-song-best-weightless-marconi-union-youtube-surgery-anxiety-a9011971.html">recent experiment</a> explored whether certain kinds of music can reduce anxiety during a complex task and concluded that some music is better at doing this than others. <a href="http://theconversation.com/surprising-ways-to-beat-anxiety-and-become-mentally-strong-according-to-science-77978"></a>Also, <a href="https://academic.oup.com/jmt/article-abstract/48/3/264/1002764?redirectedFrom=PDF">a study</a> based on measuring physiological and emotional responses suggests there are certain qualities in music that are better at helping people relax. The speed of the music should be relatively slow, the melody should be simple, and the beat and harmony should not hold too many surprises. Other factors, such as the complexity of the music and – surprisingly – familiarity with the piece, were not so important. In fact, knowing a piece too well was found in some cases to be counterproductive. The genres most likely to support relaxation are classical, soft pop and certain types of world music. These are found to largely contain the musical elements necessary to help a person relax. Press play With these musical elements in mind, here are eight suggested pieces of music that meet these criteria: 1 <a href="https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-album-reviews/ambient-1-music-for-airports-184712/">Ambient 1: Music For Airports</a> by Brian Eno. This soundscape provides a wash of musical effects that echo the rhythm of our physiological functions, leaving space for us to attune to the slow tempo of the music. The album is described in <a href="https://www.roughtrade.com/gb/brian-eno/ambient-1-music-for-airports">one review</a> as “the kind of music one might hear in heaven”. <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/vNwYtllyt3Q"></iframe></div> 2 Pieds-en-L'Air, from <a href="https://arielmusic.co.uk/product/capriol-suite/">Capriol Suite</a>, by Peter Warlock, a composer and former music critic. Known for his unconventional lifestyle, he died in 1930, aged 36. His musical legacy includes this soft and slow classical piece with a melody reminiscent of songs we may have heard as children. <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ZMyS1G8NWnY"></iframe></div> 3 <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/56FjSa3QWnDE6CxjFTp9rH">Om Namah Shivaya</a> by Deva Premal. The vocals of Premal and supporting music made by her partner Mital hark back to evocative chants from times past. The slow pace and almost hypnotic music combined with her clear vocals feel very supportive. <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/eUqe31ojZBU"></iframe> 4 <a href="https://www.smoothradio.com/features/adele-someone-like-you-lyrics-meaning-facts/">Someone Like You</a> by Adele. While this hugely successful song explores the issue of loss, the slow tempo and cool accompaniment is found by many to offer a sense of calm and reflection. It has <a href="https://slate.com/culture/2012/02/someone-like-you-makes-us-cry-scientists-explain-why.html">been claimed</a> that the piece’s emotional strength is due to small, unexpected changes in the melody or “ornamental notes”, which create a melancholic tension. <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/hLQl3WQQoQ0"></iframe></div> 5 <a href="https://www.classicfm.com/composers/einaudi/music/i-giorni/">I Giorni</a>, by Ludovico Einaudi, an Italian pianist and composer who has written numerous film soundtracks. This piano piece, with its repetitive motifs and steady tempo, evokes a dreamlike state with moments of light and brightness. <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Uffjii1hXzU"></iframe></div> 6 <a href="https://global.oup.com/academic/product/in-paradisum-9780193418042?cc=gb&lang=en&">In Paradisum</a>, by Gabriel Fauré, a French composer who gained great popularity in his lifetime, but suffered from deafness in his later years. In this piece, from his Requiem, the choir and organ accompaniment provide a feeling of serenity. <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/6-i1ESIRKdA"></iframe></div> 7 <a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=Stopover+at+Djibouti&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8">Stopover at Djibouti</a> by Anouar Ibrahem, a Tunisian oud player and composer. He is widely acclaimed as an innovator in his field, fusing Arab classical music, folk music and jazz. This world jazz piece has hypnotic motifs that can seem almost meditative. <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/c2S8LpvZrnQ"></iframe></div> 8 <a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&ei=hq7OXekQpYbV8A_vxaUw&q=stefan+nilsson+composer+wilmas+tema&oq=stefan+nilsson+composer+wilm&gs_l=psy-ab.3.0.33i22i29i30.2182.3289..4456...0.0..0.99.402.5......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i22i30.I3sNgC11uJY">Wilma’s Theme</a> by Stefan Nilsson, a Swedish composer and pianist who is well known in is home country. This piece, which seems somehow familiar, has a simple melody and harmonies that provide a safe landing place. <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ytBW9x6Zvcc"></iframe></div> This list offers some suggestions of music that could be used to help people relax. A favourite of mine, which I haven’t included, is the slow movement from JS Bach’s Double Violin Concerto. It never fails to give me a sense of feeling safe and grounded, something that can be so important when we may be feeling anxious. It should be said, though, that many <a href="https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0218017">studies</a> emphasise the importance of finding your own selection of music that works for you. Whatever your musical taste is, you have the edge on any prescribed playlist in finding what is best for you.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/121655/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/elizabeth-coombes-754445">Elizabeth Coombes</a>, Senior Lecturer in Music Therapy, <a href="http://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-south-wales-1586">University of South Wales</a> This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/anxiety-a-playlist-to-calm-the-mind-from-a-music-therapist-121655">original article</a>. </div>

Music

Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't live with her husband – and their sex life has never been hotter

Gwyneth Paltrow married her husband Brad Falchuk over nine months ago, however they have not moved in together – and they have no plans to in the near future. The Golden Globe winning actress recently admitted the decision was purposeful and the key to their “marital bliss". Talking to <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/gwyneth-paltrow-goop-interview-ageing-menopause-power-better-going-to-be-haters-family-brad-falchuk-b2zk5x3gp" target="_blank">The Sunday Times</a>, the 46-year-old shared the way the couple keep their spark alive is by living together part-time. The star's 48-year-old hubby Brad – who is one of the co-creators of Glee and also a writer and director – spends a few nights a week at his own home not too far away from Gwyneth, with his own two children, Isabella and Brody. Then four days a week, he lives with the actress in her Los Angeles home, with her children with Chris Martin, Apple and Moses, to keep their relationship “fresh” and “exciting". “Oh, all my married friends say that the way we live sounds ideal and we shouldn’t change a thing,” Gwyneth said. The couple spend just enough time apart to miss each other and keep their respective children from previous marriages in their own home, only to come together a few nights a week. The decision is one that Michael Boehm, Gwyneth’s intimacy coach, says is the secret to marital bliss. “When two people first meet, they don’t know each other, so there’s a very strong attraction,” she explained to Claire Murphy, host of Mamamia podcast, The Quickly. “Everybody knows that first honeymoon period when you get to know each other, and you spend all night up talking and you discover all these similarities and what you have in common. It’s amazing, you talk, and then you have sex, and then you talk again. “It’s just really, really exciting and electrifying.” The intimacy expert said couples over time become too comfortable with each other, so having boundaries such as space allows for the relationship to remain interesting. “So the more you actually have in common, the better you get along,” she said. “If people’s likes are very different, it’s not going to work. In divorce court, they call that irreversible differences. “So when you choose a mate, you have to choose someone with whom you have a lot in common and that’s what makes for a healthy relationship. “But sexual interaction – the spark, or the flame, or the polarity – comes from the difference. That’s why it’s called ‘opposites attract’.” Boehm added those who have a lot in common usually make a good pair for relationships, however are having terrible sex. “The more different opinions and ideas and behaviours people have when it comes to the sexual tension, the more exciting and hot the sex is,” she explained. “And that is why most people come to a place where they’re not that interested in having hot sex. And that’s not necessarily a problem except when people think it’s a problem.” The intimacy coach also explained those looking to spice up their relationship don’t necessarily have to live in separate homes but instead look for ways to add excitement to a relationship. She explained couples have to find what made their relationship so exciting in the first place and “recreate that kind of atmosphere". Image: Instagram @gwynethpaltrow

Movies

Couples therapist: “Things are in decline” for Donald and Melania Trump

On Monday January 22, it was Donald and Melania Trump’s 13th wedding anniversary. Many are wondering if the high-profile couple celebrated the occasion together as there was no mention of it on social media, which could be partly attributed to the government shutdown. However, when it was revealed by Melania’s communications director that she had also cancelled plans to join her husband on a trip to Switzerland, it set off many whispers. Melania’s communications director, Stephanie Grisham, told PEOPLE that the first lady cancelled the trip due to “too many scheduling and logistical issues”. <a href="https://au.be.yahoo.com/lifestyle/a/38703228/couples-therapist-melania-and-donald-trumps-marriage-in-trouble/" target="_blank">Yahoo Lifestyle</a> spoke to licensed therapist and co-author of The New I Do Susan Pease Gadoua to find out if there was more at play here. “If your relationship is strong, then it would be more able to handle if you can’t spend the actual anniversary together,” she said. “If the relationship is on shaky ground, then it could be really bad that they’re not spending that time together. It could be a real indication that things are in decline.” Anniversaries are significant for couples as they create the opportunity to not only celebrate but also reflect on how they’re doing. On Saturday, the first lady marked her first year in the White House by posting a photo of herself with a military escort during the inauguration, with no mention of her husband. <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 658px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media"> <div style="padding: 8px;"> <div style="background: #F8F8F8; line-height: 0; margin-top: 40px; padding: 50.0% 0; text-align: center; width: 100%;"> <div style="background: url(data:image/png; base64,ivborw0kggoaaaansuheugaaacwaaaascamaaaapwqozaaaabgdbtueaalgpc/xhbqaaaafzukdcak7ohokaaaamuexurczmzpf399fx1+bm5mzy9amaaadisurbvdjlvzxbesmgces5/p8/t9furvcrmu73jwlzosgsiizurcjo/ad+eqjjb4hv8bft+idpqocx1wjosbfhh2xssxeiyn3uli/6mnree07uiwjev8ueowds88ly97kqytlijkktuybbruayvh5wohixmpi5we58ek028czwyuqdlkpg1bkb4nnm+veanfhqn1k4+gpt6ugqcvu2h2ovuif/gwufyy8owepdyzsa3avcqpvovvzzz2vtnn2wu8qzvjddeto90gsy9mvlqtgysy231mxry6i2ggqjrty0l8fxcxfcbbhwrsyyaaaaaelftksuqmcc); display: block; height: 44px; margin: 0 auto -44px; position: relative; top: -22px; width: 44px;"></div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BeLXifjlhTd/" target="_blank">A post shared by First Lady Melania Trump (@flotus)</a> on Jan 20, 2018 at 8:15am PST </div> </blockquote> “Certainly the public is watching, and I think what we’ve seen so far is that this is not the most loving relationship on the planet,” Susan says. “They spend very little time together. If you compare them to the Obamas, it certainly doesn’t look like things are going well for them as a couple.”

News

5 ways therapists deal with bad days

We all have those days where, for no particular reason, we’re in a foul mood. Those days where everything seems to go wrong and even the smallest annoyance can send you into a full-on, toddler-esque tantrum. But those days aren’t exclusive to us regular folk – they happen to therapists, too. For us, it may take a lazy day on the couch (and maybe a tub of ice cream) to perk up, but what do psychologists do when they’re having a bad day? Let’s find out. 1. Laugh It turns out laughter really is the best medicine! “Humour is my favourite tool in the area of self-care,” LiveHealth Online clinical therapist, Dr Zereana Jess-Huff, tells <a href="http://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/therapists-deal-with-depression/" target="_blank">Women’s Health</a>. So whip out your favourite funny movie, watch some stand-up on Netflix or hang out with your witty friend – anything that gets you giggling! 2. Move Distract yourself and shake off those bad vibes with a brisk walk, bike ride or anything else that gets the blood pumping. “If I have a particularly hard day at work or am worrying a lot about my patient, I might do some vigorous exercise,” Dr Jennifer Gentile from Boston Children’s Hospital explains. 3. Create Art, music, dance, colouring… if it involves creativity, it’s a great way to channel your emotions into something productive. Studies show that flexing your creative muscles will actually <a href="http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/how-being-more-creative-improves-your-mental-and-physical-health.html" target="_blank">improve your mental health</a>, and you’ll have <a href="http://www.prevention.com/mind-body/emotional-health/how-good-mood-boosts-creativity?_ga=2.74805522.1232175733.1500503249-2010762590.1488497143" target="_blank">more control</a> over the directions your thoughts take and the decisions you make. 4. Socialise Exposing your grumpy mood to your nearest and dearest might be the last thing you want to do, but experts agree that spending time with friends (whether on the phone or in person) has major mental health benefits. Simply chatting with them can reduce your blood pressure and help the stress melt away. 5. Eat When we’re in a bad mood, we tend to look for instant gratification. Often, this comes in the form of food – namely, sugar. However, sugar will only provide fleeting relief – instead, stick to whole foods and low-GI fruits like apples and berries. Don’t forget to drink plenty of water and avoid any caffeine – too much coffee when you’re feeling down or stressed will only make the situation worse. What’s your secret to beating a bad mood? Share your tips with us in the comments below.

Mind

Sex-ed for rest homes?

More people are talking about sex in rest homes and Age Concern is thrilled. "The general public have been appreciative of us raising the issue," Age Concern Nelson Tasman manager Sue Tilby said. "Even older people themselves have rung up and congratulated us for bringing this topic out in the open." Buoyed by the "extremely large amount of positive feedback" after highlighting the matter last month, Tilby and her team now hope to have an education package on sexuality and intimacy in residential aged care ready by November to roll out to rest homes in the Nelson-Marlborough region. The issue had become a coffee table discussion in some workplaces and homes. "It got groups of people talking about it," Tilby said, before adding tongue in cheek: "I just thought it was an area that no-one had thought about because, as we know, sex stops at 40." Age Concern last month hosted a seminar on the issue for rest home managers. It was presented by Massey University School of Nursing senior lecturer Dr Catherine Cook, who has been researching the issue with School of Social Work Associate Professor Mark Henrickson. Cook said she was "absolutely delighted" by the work of Age Concern Nelson Tasman. "We need to put this in the public domain; there's going to be a ballooning ageing population." Cook said with little or no education or guidelines in place, aged-care workers generally used their own judgment, usually based on their own moral code rather than focusing on residents' sexual rights. "They are managing the situation as best they can but when dilemmas become complex, staff don't know what to do, " she said. Since the seminar, the team at Age Concern had been researching the issue and "putting together information that's going to be helpful and non-confrontational", for rest homes, including case examples. "What we want to do is try and bring in real stories," Tilby said. The Code of Rights under the Health and Disability Commissioner Act would drive some of the policy. "For example, if a man chooses to bring a prostitute into the rest home, according to his rights, he can do that," Tilby said. "Some of the areas are very clear if it comes down to the right of a person." However, other areas were not so clear, such as "when you are talking about consent, dementia, family having a problem with things so these become a little more complicated". They would need to be handled on a case-by-case basis. "It's extremely exciting and privilege for us to bring this education into rest-home level care," Tilby said. "What we want to do is support the rest homes and make this topic a lot easier for them to deal with." The policies and procedures would be designed to help stop any ad hoc decision making based on the beliefs and values of individual staff members. It was likely the education package would be provided to rest homes at two levels: for the nursing/management staff and then for caregivers and other staff. Age Concern was keen to bring Cook back to Nelson to help develop the education package. Tilby said she believed Age Concern had buy-in from many rest homes. Once the package was delivered to rest homes in Nelson-Marlborough, it could go out nationally. "I think it would be really beneficial to share it [nationwide] through Age Concern," Tilby said. Written by Cherie Sivignon. First appeared on <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/" target="_blank">Stuff.co.nz.</a>

Retirement Life

How body image issues hold you back from intimacy

Dorrie Jacobson, 81, an internationally recognised expert on ageing stylishly, writes for her popular website <a href="http://www.seniorstylebible.com/" target="_blank">Senior Style Bible</a>. She also writes about senior sexuality and her experiences with online dating as an older woman. Body image is big business. Everywhere you look there are images of young, physically fit women telling us that we must live up to their perfect standard of beauty. The level of physical perfection that the media perpetuates as the “new ideal” is simply unobtainable for the majority of women to achieve. So it’s no wonder that we judge ourselves so critically and harshly, often hating our bodies for the slightest imperfection. No matter how much we exercise, diet and take care of our bodies, time and gravity take a toll on everyone. Bodies change. Yes, we can remain strong, agile and physically fit as we age, but we can only do so much to preserve the figures that we had in our prime. The loss of perfection is mourned more by some, than others, but all women take a self-esteem hit when those once pert bits start to jiggle. We tend to feel less attractive in our older, less than perfect bodies, and at some point we look around to discover that our self-confidence has taken a major nose dive. It’s not a sexy feeling. So what impact does this have on our lives? For some women, not much, but for others, it’s a game changer. I think many mature women still crave passion and intimacy with a significant other, but are hesitant to invite it back into their lives because of their negative body image, and the fear that they are no longer sexually attractive to others. I think most women over 50 have some body issues, but the question is, how much do they affect the way we live our lives and the choices we make? My experience as a Playboy Bunny and a model made me very aware of my body and the value that is placed on women’s physical assets. As someone who was defined by my looks for many years, I am hyper-aware of the insecurities that come crashing in as our bodies age. So while keeping your weight in check, exercising and wearing Spanx can give the illusion of a great body when dressed, we all have to come to terms with the imperfect image we see in the mirror when naked. That’s our truth and there is no hiding it from others or ourselves, because it will get in the way of creating and sustaining truly intimate connections. So, if you’re feeling insecure about your body, and think that a fear of rejection may be what’s holding you back from dating again, then it’s time to resolve those body image issues. I think that it’s important to remember that the women with the greatest sex appeal are often not shapely or beautiful at all, but they do project an air of self-confidence that is alluring and sexually enticing to men. They know how to flirt, and they are confident in the use of their sex appeal. They know how to make that man feel special and desirable and that’s what makes them attractive. It’s not always the most beautiful women who are the most seductive. No doubt dim lights, soft music, sexy lingerie, and a glass of bubbly will set the mood, but the key word is attitude. Sex should be fun and you can’t be in the moment if you’re hiding under the covers. When I mustered up the courage to discuss this topic with a few sexually active senior men, I did not get the response that I was expecting. They told me that yes, of course they are turned on by beautiful young bodies, BUT the passion, warmth, tenderness, and understanding they got from a partner closer to their own age was much more important than their physical appearance. I think it’s also important to remember that men have body image and performance anxiety as well. So, if we love ourselves and feel sexy then that is what we are and how we are seen. I know it can be challenging to embrace your body and sexuality at this late date, but it can be done, and I say this from personal experience. At 80 years old I began dating again. Not only that, but I put aside my fears and became sexually active again, because I think physical intimacy keeps us connected to our own bodies as well as other people. It’s not an essential ingredient in everyone’s later years, but if it’s something that you are missing out on, and want back in your life, let me assure you that it is never too late to get your mojo back, or your groove on! For more of Dorrie Jacobson, please visit <a href="http://www.seniorstylebible.com/" target="_blank">Senior Style Bible</a> or her <a href="https://www.instagram.com/seniorstylebible/?hl=en" target="_blank">popular Instagram here.</a> Related links: <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/09/how-to-deal-with-rejection-in-romance/">How to deal with rejection in romance</a> <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/09/ways-to-keep-the-magic-in-your-relationship/">6 ways to keep the magic in your relationship</a> <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/09/robyn-lee-on-living-on-my-own/">I love being on my own</a>

Relationships

6 ways to keep the magic in your relationship

Dr Carmen Harra is a best-selling author, clinical psychologist, and relationship expert. Everything seems beautiful in the beginning and circumstances wear out even the most blissful relationships. Before the arguments, responsibilities, and kids, you were thinking of ways to spend more quality time. By the umpteenth year, you’re contemplating ways to get away on your own. It’s a process that all long-term relationships endure. But this process, ironically, can also strengthen your loving bond: the more you overcome together, the stronger you become together. Once you realize this fact, you and your partner can work towards re-establishing that light-hearted magic that was abundant in the beginning. Believe me that if it was there once, it can be revived. Take these tips to reignite the romantic spark and uphold your chemistry well after the first few years: 1. Anticipate change People are constantly changing: who you are now is not who you were last year, last month, or even last week. But unlike a teenager passing through puberty, change isn’t always obvious. It’s easy to become oblivious to your partner’s changes because you see this person so often. Understand how your loved one is transforming and adapt yourself to him or her. In the case of physical change, make it known to your partner that you notice the new look: always compliment a different hairstyle, weight loss, fresh wardrobe, etc. Remain well ahead of changes by preparing for the next phase of your relationship and strategizing how you’ll pass through it side by side. You should also ask yourself this question regularly: is my relationship evolving, or only changing? A relationship should not only shift, but shift positively over time as both partners work to resolve outstanding issues. Evolve in the same direction as your significant other. If this is not happening, it’s time to evaluate at what point the relationship became stagnant. 2. Keep out external influences Nothing kills the magic of a good relationship quite like a jealous friend, a spiteful mother-in-law, or the drinking buddy who cajoles your partner to stay out all night. Such negative influences must be cut out like weeds. Come to a mutual agreement with your partner to adopt an us-against-the-world mentality: never to speak badly of one another to outsiders, not to allow yourselves to be swayed by other people, and always to consult each other first. 3. Maintain emotional intimacy Emotional intimacy the glue of any love relationship. It is knowing what your partner needs before they even get a chance to ask – feeling their emotions, needs, and desires as if they were your own. Emotional intimacy is much more powerful than physical intimacy because it delves deep into your loved one’s wishes, fears, and hopes. Maintain this sense of intimacy with your partner by paying attention to how they’re behaving day by day: what’s bothering them? What can you do to relieve their worries? Comprehend what it is that your partner needs most from you at any given moment – is it to be nurtured or to be left alone? This sense of “knowing” your significant other will keep you perfectly in tune as a couple. 4. Go on new adventures The daily grind becomes boring to say the least. Doing the same things every day can quickly kill the spark. Break out of routine as often as you can. Travel with your partner, even if it’s a road trip or a weekend getaway. Try new restaurants and take up new hobbies. Even if it’s something out of your comfort zone, find joy in the fact that you’re engaging in a different activity with your other half. 5. Ask There’s a wrong way and a right way to communicate. The wrong way is bombarding your partner with all of your problems as soon as they walk through the door after a long day at work. The right way is waiting until they unwind, then gently bringing up one subject of genuine concern (one, not 20). Ask about their day before you begin. Find out what’s important to them, what are their plans, how can you help, etc. Listen intently when they open up to you before responding. It’s important to get your partner to let their guard down before embarking on a subject you’re keen to discuss. Your partner is more likely to be receptive if you’re already engaged in a comfortable conversation. 6. Be sexy Many men and women find that their sex drive dwindles after years of being with the same person. Adrenaline and dopamine levels drop with time and with them, the rush and excitement that accompany intercourse. While this is normal, it is not a good indication. Sex is an integral part of any good relationship; the moment that it dries up is the moment a key component of the relationship is lost. Beware not to lose your sexual appeal to your lover, or you run the risk of them searching for it elsewhere. Strive to maintain a desirable image for your loved one. This will boost your self-esteem, too. Take a bit of time to get ready when they’re on their way, eat well, and exercise regularly. Such activities will not only help you look good for them, they’ll make you feel good about yourself. Sex can certainly become better with time if the couple gets creative and invents new ways of pleasing each other. Get a little daring and try intercourse in different locations and positions or order an erotic movie together. Most couples simply stand by and allow the spark of their relationship to fizzle out in time, partly because they believe there’s nothing to be done. But with the right actions and added awareness, both partners can rekindle the romantic fire so that it burns more strongly than even in the beginning. When was the last time you had a fun date night with your partner? What did you do? Let us know in the comments below. To find more information about Dr Carmen Harra, visit her <a href="http://www.carmenharra.com/" target="_blank">website here.</a> Related links: <a href="/lifestyle/family-pets/2016/08/lessons-i-learnt-from-my-grandmother/">21 lessons I learnt from my grandmother</a> <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/08/choices-that-will-lead-to-your-best-love-life-ever/">10 choices that will lead to your best love life ever</a> <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/07/tips-to-feel-connected-to-others/">9 tips to help you feel connected to others</a>

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5 ways therapists deal with bad days

Sex-ed for rest homes?

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