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Life after the kids leave: Navigating changes and embracing empty nest syndrome

<p>As your children grow up and go to college, you dread the day they will leave your nest. When they finally leave, it is natural to feel empty and miss the familiar echoes of laughter around the dinner table. While feeling a sense of loss is natural for every parent, it shouldn’t linger. When the feeling lingers, it becomes the empty nest syndrome.</p> <h2>What Is Empty Nest Syndrome?</h2> <p>Empty nest syndrome is an emotional phase and a sense of loss that parents experience when children leave home. Your children becoming adults and leaving your nest symbolises the end of active parenting responsibilities. Since you are uncertain about what to do with the free time on your hands, you may experience a loss of identity and purpose. You have fewer chores and miss your children.</p> <p>When you have empty nest syndrome, you experience a mix of emotions. You may feel lonely and sad in an empty house. The feeling lasts a few days or weeks, but for others, it is intense and may stir up anxiety. If you have empty nest syndrome, you may feel a sense of redundancy and persistent sadness. With no more school runs and daily involvement in your kids’ lives, it’s easy to feel redundant in their lives, leaving you with a lingering sadness and restlessness.</p> <h2>How to Deal with Empty Nest Syndrome</h2> <p>If you are experiencing empty nest syndrome, you can take the following steps to live a fulfilling life:</p> <p><strong>Set New Goals</strong></p> <p>The sudden quietness that comes with children leaving the house can be jarring. However, in the silence awaits a new chapter of your life that starts with you setting new goals. Think about what you want to learn or try out, and write down the steps you need to get there. Whether it is travelling the world or picking up a new hobby, you can achieve self-fulfilment.</p> <p><strong>Identify New Ways to Strengthen Family Bonds</strong></p> <p>You need to redefine your relationships with your children and partner. Your parenting role takes centre stage in your life. As the nest empties, you have a chance to nurture the bond with your partner. Discover each other's aspirations and dreams. You can travel the world together or find new hobbies as a couple. You also need to redefine your bond with your children. Understand that the relationship with your adult children is evolving. Stay connected to your kids, but ensure they have their independence.</p> <p><strong>Adapt Your Cooking Style for Two</strong></p> <p>When you have children at home, you cook for a large family, and you are always excited to prepare the next meal. As your children move out, you have to transition to cooking in a smaller household. Downsizing meals can be challenging when you are used to preparing a large pot of food. Portioning meals to avoid cooking excess food will be challenging at first. However, you can find meal kits from meal delivery services, such as <a href="https://www.hellofresh.com.au/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">HelloFresh</a>, that offer meal kits for two. Most meal delivery services send pre-portioned ingredients to prevent food waste.</p> <h2>Discovering New Hobbies to Bring Joy and Fulfilment</h2> <p>Reduce your empty nest symptoms by finding new, exciting activities. Having new hobbies gives you a sense of fulfilment and takes up your time. Consider learning new hobbies like gardening, writing or volunteering. Join a club in the community or volunteer programs. It’s a great way to meet new people and fill up your free time with rewarding experiences.</p> <p>Empty nest syndrome is a period of transformation, and it’s important to maintain a positive attitude during this period. You can rediscover yourself and redefine your priorities. If there is a dream you had put on hold, you can pick it up.</p> <p><em>Image: Becca Tapert / Unsplash</em></p> <p><em>This is a sponsored article produced in partnership with HelloFresh.</em></p>

Family & Pets

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How long does menopause last? 5 tips for navigating uncertain times

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/yvonne-middlewick-1395795">Yvonne Middlewick</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edith-cowan-university-720">Edith Cowan University</a></em></p> <p>Around half of the world’s population are women or people who menstruate – yet the way their body works can be a mystery, even to them.</p> <p>Most women will experience periods roughly every month, many will go through childbirth and those who live into midlife will experience menopause.</p> <p>While menopause is a significant time of change, it isn’t talked about much, other than as a punchline. This may contribute to keeping it a <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/membership/2019/sep/21/breaking-the-menopause-taboo-there-are-vital-stories-we-should-continue-to-pursue">taboo topic</a>.</p> <p>So, what happens during menopause? How do you know when it is happening to you? And – the thing most women want to know – how long will it last?</p> <h2>What is menopause?</h2> <p>Menopause is <a href="https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-menopause">defined</a> as the permanent cessation of menstruation, which is medically determined to be one year after the final menstrual period. After this time women are considered to be postmenopausal.</p> <p>The <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26598775/">average age</a> of “natural menopause” (that is not caused by a medical condition, treatment or surgery) is considered to be around 51 years.</p> <p>However, natural menopause does not occur suddenly. <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Riitta-Luoto/publication/46425690_Prevalence_of_menopause_symptoms_and_their_association_with_lifestyle_among_Finnish_middle-aged_women/links/5c5704ac458515a4c7553c7b/Prevalence-of-menopause-symptoms-and-their-association-with-lifestyle-among-Finnish-middle-aged-women.pdf">Changes can begin</a> a number of years before periods stop and most often occur in a woman’s 40s but they can be earlier. Changes <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25686030/">can continue</a> for 10 years or more after periods have stopped.</p> <p>Using hormones such as the oral contraceptive pill or hormone intrauterine devices may make it more <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31934948/">difficult to determine</a> when changes start.</p> <p>Menopause that occurs <a href="https://www.womenshealth.gov/menopause/early-or-premature-menopause#:%7E:text=Menopause%20that%20happens%20before%20age,to%20come%20earlier%20than%20usual.">before 45</a> is called “early menopause”, while menopause before 40 is called “premature menopause”.</p> <h2>What about perimenopause?</h2> <p>Various <a href="https://www.menopause.org.au/hp/information-sheets/glossary-of-terms">terms</a> are used to describe this period of change, including “menopause” or “the menopause”, “menopausal transition”, “perimenopause” or “<a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12188398/">climacteric</a>”.</p> <p>These terms tend to refer to the period before and after the final menstrual period, when changes are considered to be related to menopause.</p> <p>The difficulty with the definition of menopause is it can only be decided retrospectively. Yet women can experience changes many years before their periods stop (a lead up usually called “perimenopause”). Also, any <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/sdfe/pdf/download/eid/1-s2.0-S0889854518300627/first-page-pdf">changes noticed</a> may not be associated with menopause (because people might not be aware of what to expect) or changes may be associated with a combination of factors such as stress, being busy or other health issues.</p> <h2>So, what is going on?</h2> <p>Through a feminist lens, menopause can be seen as a <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/354652248_The_volcano_within_a_study_of_women's_lived_experience_of_the_journey_through_natural_menopause">complex and diverse experience</a>, influenced by biological, psychological, social and cultural aspects of women’s lives.</p> <p>However, it is usually viewed from the biomedical perspective. This sees it as a biological event, marked by the <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0091302220300418">decline</a> in ovarian hormone levels leading to a reduction in reproductive function.</p> <p>The female reproductive system operates because of a finely tuned balance of hormones managed by the <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6466056/#:%7E:text=The%20hypothalamic%2Dpituitary%2Dovarian%20(HPO)%20axis%20must%20be,priming%20the%20endometrium%20for%20implantation.">hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian axis</a>. International <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3340903/">experts</a> have developed a staging system for female reproductive ageing, with seven stages from “early reproductive” years to “late postmenopause”.</p> <p>However, female reproductive hormones do not just affect the reproductive system but <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0091302220300418">other aspects</a> of the body’s function. These include the <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26007613/">neurological system</a>, which is linked to hot flushes and night sweats and disrupted sleep. Hormones may also affect the <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/nrdp20154">heart and body’s blood circulation</a>, bone health and potentially the <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0091302220300418">immune system</a>.</p> <p>Menopausal hormone changes may <a href="https://www.thewomens.org.au/health-information/menopause-information/menopause-symptoms/">cause</a> hot flushes, night/cold sweats, mood swings, sleep disruption and tiredness, vaginal dryness.</p> <p>Medical confirmation of menopausal changes in women over 45 years is based on two biological indicators: vasomotor symptoms (those hot flushes and night sweats again) and an <a href="https://www.womenshealth.gov/menopause/early-or-premature-menopause#:%7E:text=Menopause%20that%20happens%20before%20age,to%20come%20earlier%20than%20usual.">irregular menstrual cycle</a>.</p> <p>In early perimenopause the changes to the menstrual cycle may be subtle. Women may not recognise early indicators, unless they keep a record and know what to watch for.</p> <h2>How long does it last?</h2> <p>The body demonstrates an amazing ability to change over a lifetime. In a similar way to adolescence where long-lasting changes occur, the outcome of menopause is also change.</p> <p>Research suggests it is difficult to give an exact time frame for how long menopausal changes occur – the <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3085137/">average</a> is between four and eight years.</p> <p>The <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3085137/">Penn Ovarian Ageing Study</a> found 79% of the 259 participants experienced hot flushes starting before the age of 50, most commonly between 45 and 49 years of age.</p> <p>A later report on the same study found one third of women studied experienced <a href="https://womensmidlifehealthjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40695-016-0014-2">moderate to severe hot flushes</a> more than ten years after their periods had stopped. A <a href="https://journals.lww.com/menopausejournal/Abstract/2017/03000/Cultural_issues_in_menopause__an_exploratory.11.aspx">2017 study</a> found a small number of women continued to experience hot flushes and other symptoms into their 70s.</p> <p>So overall, the research cannot offer a specific window for perimenopause, and menopause does not appear to mark the end of changes for everyone.</p> <h2>5 tips for uncertain times</h2> <p>Shifts and changes can be recognised early by developing knowledge, paying attention to changes to our bodies and talking about menopause and perimenopause more openly.</p> <p>Here are five tips for moving from uncertainty to certainty:</p> <p><strong>1.</strong> talk to people and find out as much information as you can. The experiences of mothers and sisters may help, for some women there are familial similarities</p> <p><strong>2.</strong> notice any changes to your body and make a note of them, this will help you recognise changes earlier. There are <a href="https://www.redonline.co.uk/wellbeing/a36980118/menopause-apps/">menopause tracking apps</a> available</p> <p><strong>3.</strong> keep a note of your menstrual cycle: start date, duration, flow and note any changes. Again, an app might help</p> <p><strong>4.</strong> if you are worried, seek advice from a GP or nurse that specialises in women’s health. They may suggest ways to help with symptoms or refer to a specialist</p> <p><strong>5.</strong> remember changes are the indicator to pay attention to, not time or your age.</p> <p>Menopause is a natural process and although we have focused here on the time frame and “symptoms”, it can also be a time of freedom (particularly from periods!), reflection and a time to focus on yourself.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/195211/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <figure><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/lhosPUwWhfI?wmode=transparent&amp;start=0" width="440" height="260" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe><figcaption><span class="caption">Women speak about their experiences of menopause.</span></figcaption></figure> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/yvonne-middlewick-1395795">Yvonne Middlewick</a>, Nurse &amp; Lecturer, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edith-cowan-university-720">Edith Cowan University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images </em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-long-does-menopause-last-5-tips-for-navigating-uncertain-times-195211">original article</a>.</em></p>

Body

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How to navigate a parent’s cancer diagnosis – like Princes William and Harry will now have to do

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/lydia-harkin-1510450">Lydia Harkin</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/nottingham-trent-university-1338">Nottingham Trent University</a></em></p> <p>King Charles’ <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-68209998">cancer diagnosis</a> means the royal family has joined the approximately 3 million families in the UK affected by the disease. His family has already gathered around in support. William, Prince of Wales, has taken over some public duties for his father. And younger son Harry, who lives in California, flew to the UK to visit after the diagnosis was announced.</p> <p>If you, like William and Harry, are navigating a parent’s diagnosis, you are not alone. Around 400,000 people are <a href="https://www.macmillan.org.uk/about-us/what-we-do/research/cancer-statistics-fact-sheet">diagnosed</a> each year. This can be a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/pon.4287">frightening</a> and difficult time for families, and can change family dynamics.</p> <p>Adult children may find themselves offering emotional and practical support for a parent in a way that has not been required before, through managing medications and symptoms, travel to medical appointments, help with meal preparation and financial support.</p> <p>It can be rewarding to support a loved one and an important way to actively work together, but it can also be stressful. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/pon.4056">Studies have found</a> that family caregivers are generally more anxious and more likely to hide their emotional distress when compared with their family member with cancer.</p> <h2>Being a supportive family, even in conflict</h2> <p>Family support can act as a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2333">“social cure”</a> against the stress of a life-changing illness. The social cure theory proposes that being a part of a social group (or multiple groups) has benefits for our health and wellbeing. Social groups, particularly those with whom we strongly identify, like families, provide support and help us to combat times of stress.</p> <p>The key psychological component here is that people feel they belong to and identify with their groups. While undergoing cancer treatment, someone may not be able to participate in their usual social groups – through work or hobbies – as much as they used to. These groups may then become incompatible with a person’s new identity as a cancer survivor.</p> <p>Of course, not all families work together harmoniously, and may be in conflict through divorce, separation or estrangement. Social psychologists have <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/bjso.12155">found that</a> “incompatible” social groups can lead to poorer mental health.</p> <p>Separated families can still come together and be a helpful social group, but they must offer the kind of support that their loved one needs. To figure this out, it is important to think about the person’s <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2333">identity</a> within the family.</p> <p>For example, a father may view his identity as an advisor, but a cancer diagnosis requires him to be cared for and to seek advice. He may feel a sense of loss for his typical family role, a loss of meaning and of control.</p> <p>However, if his family communicates openly about the difficulties they are all facing, the father may be able to continue to advise his family, in addition to receiving their advice. This can help to maintain his sense of identity as an advisor within his family, while navigating a new status as a cancer survivor.</p> <h2>Communication and support networks</h2> <p>Cancer throws patients and their loved ones into a complex health system, often for the first time, where medical decisions and terminology become important every day. Understanding <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ejon.2014.03.012">the “language of cancer”</a> can help families feel more in control after a diagnosis.</p> <p>Equally important is communication within a family. Talking about the cancer, rather than treating it as a taboo topic, can improve <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ejon.2020.101841">mental health for both patients and their families</a>. It may also be an opportunity to empower patients and their loved ones to seek outside support, such as counselling.</p> <p>Families spread across geographical distances (like the royal family) can offer emotional support through regular phone calls or online tools. During the pandemic, <a href="https://doi.org/10.2196/42172">I developed</a> and trialled an app to help older adults combat loneliness. The app allowed them to see a digital map of their social groups, including family members.</p> <p>Your family member with cancer may feel like a burden. This is a common fear in older adulthood generally. But reminding them of how many people are in their lives – and how many people they support – can combat this feeling.</p> <p>Social media is one way to get more involved in these reciprocal support networks. In my work, families affected by cancer have reported using online communities to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s11764-017-0616-1">better understand what their family is going through</a>. Private social media groups <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/2055207619898993">dedicated to illness</a> can be helpful spaces to meet other patients and families, share experiences and normalise cancer.</p> <p>Cancer communities exist on <a href="https://doi.org/10.4103%2Fijpvm.IJPVM_36_19">Instagram</a>, on <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s00345-018-2254-2">YouTube and X/Twitter</a> and through registered cancer charities like <a href="https://www.macmillan.org.uk/">Macmillan Cancer Support</a>. These online resources all provide a way to build a network following a cancer diagnosis.</p> <p>Just as group identification is important within families, having more groups to connect to can act as a buffer during stressful times and help you all cope with your new reality.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/223214/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/lydia-harkin-1510450"><em>Lydia Harkin</em></a><em>, Principal Lecturer in Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/nottingham-trent-university-1338">Nottingham Trent University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images </em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-navigate-a-parents-cancer-diagnosis-like-princes-william-and-harry-will-now-have-to-do-223214">original article</a>.</em></p>

Caring

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Going home for the holidays? How to navigate conflict and deal with difficult people

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jessica-robles-617248">Jessica Robles</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/loughborough-university-1336">Loughborough University</a></em></p> <p>The holiday season is upon us and for many that means all the tension that comes with it. This time of year can be a minefield of uncomfortable moments, disagreement and outright conflict. It’s no wonder <a href="https://fortune.com/well/2022/12/03/home-for-holidays-family-gatherings-mental-health/">many young people</a> are apprehensive about returning home for the holidays after living far away.</p> <p>There are many reasons interpersonal difficulties can arise over the holidays. Perhaps your aunt doesn’t like what you did with her pie recipe, or your friend’s new partner has unsettling political beliefs. Maybe you haven’t lived at home in a while, but your family still talks to you like you’re the same person you were in school. Maybe you’re bringing your partner to meet your family for the first time, and aren’t sure whether everyone will get along.</p> <p>People have socialised less with friends and family <a href="https://triple-c.at/index.php/tripleC/article/view/1167">since the pandemic</a>, and may be feeling out of practice. This can be compounded by all the things people can disagree about.</p> <p>Some topics are higher risk for blowups, and best <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/book/10.1002/9781444354119#page=122">avoided</a> in such settings (religion and politics, for starters). Whether it’s <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11109-018-9476-2">true or not</a>, there’s a popular perception that tricky subjects are more numerous and divisive than ever. Dare one bring up anything adjacent to Brexit, vaccinations or the cost of living? Even bringing your mobile phone to the dining table could get you in trouble.</p> <p>So what happens if your uncle has too much mulled wine and something slips out that annoys or even horrifies you? Family arguments are a common theme in holiday films, but their scripted resolutions are rarely realistic and not based on <a href="https://repository.lboro.ac.uk/articles/book/Talk_the_science_of_conversation/9476291">empirical research</a>. By considering how these things work in the context of real interactions, we can move from what sounds good in theory to what we can put into practice.</p> <h2>Think before you speak</h2> <p>In real-world situations, <a href="http://pstorage-loughborough-53465.s3.amazonaws.com/21189843/Thesis2019Joyce.pdf">interactions can escalate</a> before you’re even fully aware that they’re happening. You might be able to anticipate why and how an interaction might become a problem. Does alcohol generally lead to arguments in your family? Are your parents usually hypercritical of your new partners? Consider how to avoid problems before they start.</p> <figure>In the moment, you can often spot “clues” that something is about to go awry. Trouble doesn’t usually emerge solely because of one person, but through <a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9780429058011-13/conflict-interaction-phillip-glenn">the back-and-forth between people</a>. Assuming too much about who might be “the difficult one” and why won’t be helpful on its own.</figure> <p>You have to learn to recognise the conversational moves people are making (including your own) and see how <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/B9780126235500500082">other people respond to them</a>. Some facial expressions can express doubt or distrust, and contemptuous expressions (such as <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/08351813.2021.1936858">eye-rolling</a>) can signal that a conversation might take a turn toward insult rather than discussion. A response that starts with the word <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216615002465?casa_token=gyu3pjfpGrEAAAAA:VwEe8rVBXvsbF9V_aeYylN42IpKYeZ1BGqp85VoP_rkBQZtEI5AbuqBloiPxgTKfsJjj5VTSvcY">“well”</a> can be warning of incoming disagreement.</p> <p>As you notice what ways of speaking get what kinds of responses, you can be more thoughtful about what you choose to say. Even <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-99094-1_2">changing a single word</a> can shift the direction of a conversation. A common sign that a conversation is starting to escalate unhelpfully is that people begin <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/08351813.2020.1826765?casa_token=AIU2DQgEJQUAAAAA%3AGoBBF8SPSXcDmiKBAwaIihjFngE1ck8QiVj0HFZO7VGxi8TtkOf7PB0j5NMV9ufgMN4BwF-dMFA1Gw">commenting on the conversation itself and accusing</a> one another of unreasonable behaviour. Once you learn to be more conscious of that, it can help you reflect on how to respond in ways that might deescalate… if that’s what you want to do.</p> <h2>Why we fight</h2> <p>There is a dilemma here: sometimes backing down from a conflict challenges our values of authenticity and commitment to our beliefs. If someone says something insulting, whether mild or <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216622002120">egregious</a>, it feels disingenuous and morally irresponsible to smooth things over. Some conflict is worth engaging, especially with someone you care about who is willing to listen and think about things. The complication is, that’s not always the case.</p> <p>Often when people argue about something they care about, they end up <a href="https://ttu-ir.tdl.org/handle/2346/16661">misaligned</a> or “talking at cross purposes”, where they’re not really even discussing the same thing anymore. Every conversation has a trajectory, but it’s entirely possible for a conversation to have <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/2786745#metadata_info_tab_contents">parallel or divergent trajectories</a>. In such cases, it’s unlikely that any amount of <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/08351813.2019.1631044">good-faith discussion</a> is actually going to be <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216618304302?casa_token=y7CoCCptr6AAAAAA:LCHuB6-BRaH4HPIothLVX_ENhSPlfshapdyvxzk9LjlQa24WJyRM4sXF2_bFp6oiWAfWnsVIoK8">productive</a>.</p> <p>At the end of the day, it’s also worth considering what makes a person or conversation “difficult”. Assigning that word to someone <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1468-2885.2001.tb00234.x?casa_token=g5XfR-FKNLEAAAAA:GFvy6M4CY9IHrE51_NTEJDNgf6bdPqJZPX2Q2KZStBesgv8UIJDj7YTBnVMOSpRCDRWbX-DsmkQFaWQ">is not a neutral or objective</a> statement. Maybe you, in fact, are the “difficult person”. Maybe, for some kinds of conflict, you should want to be difficult. And maybe, sometimes, it’s alright to go outside and let off steam with a snowball fight.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/196751/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jessica-robles-617248">Jessica Robles</a>, Lecturer in Social Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/loughborough-university-1336">Loughborough University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/going-home-for-the-holidays-how-to-navigate-conflict-and-deal-with-difficult-people-196751">original article</a>.</em></p>

Family & Pets

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Roald Dahl rewrites: rather than bowdlerising books on moral grounds we should help children to navigate history

<p>Although several of his best-known children’s books were first published in the 1960s, Roald Dahl is among the most popular authors for young people today. The <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/books/2023/feb/18/roald-dahl-books-rewritten-to-remove-language-deemed-offensive">recent decision</a> by publisher Puffin, in conjunction with The Roald Dahl Story Company, to make several hundred revisions to new editions of his novels has been described as censorship by <a href="https://twitter.com/SalmanRushdie/status/1627075835525210113?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1627075835525210113%7Ctwgr%5E8d06cef5296fd1a7eaec37f32baa536178ff5510%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&amp;ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.theguardian.com%2Fbooks%2F2023%2Ffeb%2F20%2Froald-dahl-books-rewrites-criticism-language-altered">Salman Rushdie</a> and attracted widespread criticism.</p> <p>The changes, recommended by sensitivity readers, include removing or replacing words describing the appearance of characters, and adding gender-neutral language in places. For instance, Augustus Gloop in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is no longer “fat” but “enormous”. Mrs Twit, from The Twits, has become “beastly” rather than “ugly and beastly”. In Matilda, the protagonist no longer reads the works of Rudyard Kipling but Jane Austen.</p> <p>While the term “<a href="https://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/roald-dahl-childrens-books-rewritten-to-delete-offensive-fat-ugly-character-references/L53YBV5A2JCPLABB7UI5BVEGL4/">cancel culture</a>” has also been used to describe these editorial changes, there is actually a long history of altering books to meet contemporary expectations of what young people should read.</p> <p>Should we consider children’s literature on a par with adult literature, where altering the author’s original words is roundly condemned? Or do we accept that children’s fiction should be treated differently because it has a role in inducting them into the contemporary world?</p> <h2>Bowdlerising literature</h2> <p>Thomas Bowdler’s <a href="https://archive.org/details/familyshakespear00shakuoft">The Family Shakespeare</a> was published in 1807 and contained 20 of the author’s plays. It removed “words and expressions … which cannot with propriety be read aloud in a family”, specifically in front of women and children.</p> <p>“Bowdlerising” has since come to refer to the process of altering literary works on moral grounds, and bowdlerised editions of Shakespeare continued to be used in schools throughout the 20th century.</p> <p>While Shakespeare’s works were not intended specifically for children, the fiction of Enid Blyton is a more recent example of bowdlerisation of works regarded as classics of children’s literature. There have been <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-392400/Row-faster-George-The-PC-meddlers-chasing-us.html">several waves of changes</a> made to her books in the past four decades, including to The Faraway Tree and The Famous Five series.</p> <p>While Blyton’s fiction is often regarded as formulaic and devoid of literary value, attempts to modernise names and remove references to corporal punishment, for example, nevertheless upset adults who were nostalgic for the books and wished to share them with children and grandchildren.</p> <h2>How is children’s literature different?</h2> <p>Children’s literature implicitly shapes the minds of child readers by presenting particular social and cultural values as normal and natural. The term we use for this process within the study of children’s literature is “socialisation”.</p> <p>People do not view literature for adults as directly forming how they think in this way, even if certain books might be seen as obscene or morally repugnant.</p> <p>While many people are outraged at the overt censorship of Dahl’s novels, there are several layers of covert censorship that impact on the production of all children’s books.</p> <p>Children’s authors know that certain content and language will prevent their book from being published. Publishers are aware that controversial topics, such as sex and gender identity, may see books excluded from libraries and school curriculums, or targeted for protest. Librarians and teachers may select, or refuse to select, books because of the potential for complaint, or because of their own political beliefs.</p> <p>Several of Dahl’s books have previously been the subject of adult attempts to rewrite or <a href="https://www.ala.org/advocacy/bbooks/frequentlychallengedbooks/decade1999">ban them</a>. Most notably, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (1964) was partially rewritten by Dahl in 1973 after <a href="https://daily.jstor.org/roald-dahls-anti-black-racism/">pressure from the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People</a> and children’s literature professionals.</p> <p>Dahl’s original Oompa Loompas were “a tribe of tiny miniature pygmies” whom Willy Wonka “discovered” and “brought over from Africa” to work in his factory for no payment other than cacao beans.</p> <p>While Dahl vehemently denied that the novel depicted Black people negatively, he revised the book. The Oompa Loompas then became residents of “Loompaland” with “golden-brown hair” and “rosy-white skin”.</p> <h2>Historical children’s books today</h2> <p>Children’s literature scholar Phil Nel suggests in <a href="https://www.google.com.au/books/edition/Was_the_Cat_in_the_Hat_Black/WDoqDwAAQBAJ?hl=en&amp;gbpv=1&amp;dq=was+the+cat+in+the+hat+black&amp;printsec=frontcover">Was the Cat in the Hat Black? The Hidden Racism of Children’s Literature and the Need for Diverse Books</a> that we have three options when deciding how to treat books containing language and ideas that would not appear in titles published today.</p> <p>First, we can consider these books as “cultural artefacts” with historical significance, but which we discourage children from reading. This option works as a covert form of censorship, given the power adults hold over what books children can access.</p> <p>Second, we can permit children only to read bowdlerised versions of these books, like those recently issued by Dahl’s publisher. This undermines the principle that literary works are valuable cultural objects, which must remain unchanged. In addition, revising occasional words will usually not shift the values now regarded as outdated in the text, only make it harder to identify and question them.</p> <p>Third, we can allow children to read any version of a book, original or bowdlerised. This option allows for the possibility of child readers who might resist the book’s intended meaning.</p> <p>It also enables discussion of topics such as racism and sexism with parents and educators, more easily achieved if the original language remains intact. While Nel favours this approach, he also acknowledges that refusing to alter texts may still be troubling for segments of the readership (for example, Black children reading editions of Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn in which the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2011/jan/05/censoring-mark-twain-n-word-unacceptable">N-word has not been removed</a>).</p> <p>Dahl’s novel Matilda emphasises the power of books to enrich and transform the lives of children, while also acknowledging their intelligence as readers.</p> <p>Although many aspects of the fictional past do not accord with the ideal version of the world we might wish to present to children, as adults we can help them to navigate that history, rather than hoping we can rewrite it.</p> <p><em>Images: Getty</em></p> <p><em style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #212529; font-family: -apple-system, 'system-ui', 'Segoe UI', Roboto, 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, sans-serif, 'Apple Color Emoji', 'Segoe UI Emoji', 'Segoe UI Symbol', 'Noto Color Emoji'; font-size: 16px; background-color: #ffffff;">This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/roald-dahl-rewrites-rather-than-bowdlerising-books-on-moral-grounds-we-should-help-children-to-navigate-history-200254" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>.</em></p>

Books

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New perspectives on navigating grief for owners of companion animals

<p>The loss of a pet can be difficult, but the latest research suggests we can do better to help owners navigate their way through the grief process.</p> <p>For many, the pandemic resulted in more time spent in the company of pets while working from home and because of restrictions designed to limit the movement of people. In many cases, pets became key to maintaining a sense of normality, routine and motivation, not to mention <a href="https://cosmosmagazine.com/nature/dogs-sense-of-smell-detect-human-stress/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">providing company</a> during times of social and physical isolation.</p> <p>Strangely, though, as the research highlights, society has a bias towards supporting certain circumstances of grieving over others.</p> <p>According to the authors of the review, published in <em>Human</em>–<em>Animal Interactions</em>, some types of trauma such as the loss of a pet, <a href="https://cosmosmagazine.com/people/society/can-we-blame-the-famous-for-their-suicides/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">death by suicide</a>, a lost pregnancy or miscarriage and death from AIDS, can be stigmatic for the bereaved. These types of loss tend to be underacknowledged by others or given less attention or empathy.</p> <p>“When relationships are not valued by society, individuals are more likely to experience disenfranchised grief after a loss that cannot be resolved and may become complicated grief,” said Colleen Rolland, President and pet loss grief specialist for <a href="https://www.aplb.org/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement</a> (APLB).</p> <p>This stigma can interrupt the natural process of grieving, meaning that pet owners often ‘go it alone’, without social support when dealing with the loss of their companion animal.</p> <p>“The present review builds on research in the field of pet loss and human bereavement and factors in the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on human-animal attachment,” says Dr Michelle Crossley, an Assistant Professor at Rhode Island College in the US.</p> <p>“A goal of the present review is to provide counsellors with perspectives to consider in their practice when working with clients who have attachments to their companion animals. It also aims to acknowledge the therapeutic benefits of working through the grief process to resolution as a way to continue the bond with a deceased pet.”</p> <p>The review presents practical ways in which counsellors can help people grieving the loss of a pet through in-person and online approaches, such as group sessions and web-based chatrooms – “counselling interventions and coping strategies already being used in the therapeutic space,” notes Crossley.</p> <p>Practical activities such as providing safe spaces and materials to paint, draw or write about their anxieties and fears about loss are effective tools for helping children and adults navigate the grief process.</p> <p><em><a href="https://petsandpeople.com.au/about/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Pets and People</a>,</em> an online initiative founded by Dr Michael O’Donoghue and Penny Carroll, seeks to provide pet owners with resources and information across a whole host of issues associated with pet loss, including those discussing social stigmas. It also provides links to counsellors with experience in pet loss and lists Australian and New Zealand numbers for the Pet Loss Support Line which connects callers with counsellors.</p> <p><!-- Start of tracking content syndication. Please do not remove this section as it allows us to keep track of republished articles --></p> <p><img id="cosmos-post-tracker" style="opacity: 0; height: 1px!important; width: 1px!important; border: 0!important; position: absolute!important; z-index: -1!important;" src="https://syndication.cosmosmagazine.com/?id=226139&amp;title=New+perspectives+on+navigating+grief+for+owners+of+companion+animals" width="1" height="1" data-spai-target="src" data-spai-orig="" data-spai-exclude="nocdn" /></p> <p><!-- End of tracking content syndication --></p> <div id="contributors"> <p><em><a href="https://cosmosmagazine.com/australia/new-perspective-navigating-grief-pets/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">This article</a> was originally published on Cosmos Magazine and was written by Clare Kenyon. Clare Kenyon is a science journalist for Cosmos. </em></p> <p><em>Image: Getty Images</em></p> </div>

Family & Pets

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Cruise navigates world's most dangerous route

<p>Crystal Cruises’ Crystal Serenity has successfully completed its controversial voyage through the treacherous Northwest Passage, a route inaccessible 100 years ago.</p> <p>The Northwest Passage is a sea route connecting the northern Atlantic to the Pacific Ocean, via waterways that extend through the Canadian Arctic Archipelago. The route has traditionally been blocked by ice, but global warming has changed this and many sections of the water which were previously too tricky to cross can now be navigated.</p> <p>For 32 days the 1,000 passengers and 600 crew aboard the Crystal Serenity witnessed sights few others have seen over the 7,000 natural miles of remote Arctic waterways and as the ship arrived in New York the voyage was hailed as a success.</p> <p>Captain Birger J. Vorland told <em>Cruise Critic</em>, “The voyage was very successful, and there were no surprises. There was actually less ice than we anticipated… I never felt the enthusiasm wane. Everything clicked. I never experienced an atmosphere like this before in my 38 years at sea.”</p> <p>So what’s next for cruising in this part of the world?</p> <p>Well, the Crystal Serenity is set to sail the Northwest Passage again in the summer of 2017, and other lines have signalled their intent to try their hand at this itinerary.</p> <p>But not everybody’s happy.</p> <p>Bernie MacIsaac of Nunavut's Department of Economic Development, the region most hit by the influx of cruise passengers, contends clear restrictions must be in place.</p> <p>MacIsaac said, “The [territory] is considering new marine tourism regulations that would mitigate some of the impacts of larger ships like the Crystal Serenity. A size limit and a number should be included. We cannot do a 1,000-passenger ship for three days in a row. There just aren't that many people here. We're not going to fly in drum dancers.”</p> <p>Daniel Skjeldam, head of the Norway-based Hurtigruten cruise, also called for size limits, so ships no bigger than 500 passengers could visit. Skjeldam said, “This has to do with safety — search and rescue – but also to do with the small communities that you come in to.</p> <p>“We are concerned about the impact they have on these villages.”</p> <p>Crystal Cruises spokeswoman Molly Morgan contended enough had been done to consult the locals when the company began planning the historic voyage three years ago.</p> <p>Morgan said, “Crystal team members made multiple trips to the region to collaborate with the local communities and ensure that, as a company, we were well educated on the culture, history and ecosystem that makes up this delicate region.”</p> <p>What’s your take? Do you think it’s wrong to be sending massive cruise liners through that sensitive part of the world? Share your thoughts in the comments below.</p> <p><em>Image: YouTube / Crystal Cruises</em></p>

Cruising

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How asexuals navigate romantic relationships

<p><a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224490409552235" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Though an estimated 1% of people identify as asexual</a> – a sexual orientation most commonly defined as lacking sexual attraction – asexual people remain relatively invisible and are rarely researched. For these reasons, they’re frequently subjected to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/19419899.2013.774162" target="_blank" rel="noopener">discrimination and stereotyping</a>.</p> <p>For example, it’s often assumed that all people who are asexual are also “aromantic” – that they aren’t interested in being in romantic relationships or aren’t capable of doing so.</p> <p>However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and there is a wide range in how the members of this group <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-954X.12362" target="_blank" rel="noopener">experience sexuality and romance</a>.</p> <p><a href="https://www.doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.912978" target="_blank" rel="noopener">In a recently published study</a> that I conducted with several Michigan State faculty members and other research associates, we surveyed people on the asexual spectrum who were currently in romantic relationships. We wanted to learn more about how asexuals experience romantic relationships and bring attention to their experiences – many of which, it turns out, aren’t all that different from those of people who aren’t on the asexual spectrum.</p> <h2>The invisible sexuality</h2> <p>Outside of <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/scientific-contributions/Alexandra-Brozowski-2230892618" target="_blank" rel="noopener">my work as a psychology researcher</a>, I am a member of the asexual community.</p> <p>Specifically, I am a heteroromantic <a href="https://demisexuality.org/articles/what-is-gray-asexuality/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">gray-asexual</a>: I am someone who feels romantic attraction to people of other sexes or genders, but experiences fluctuating or limited sexual attractions.</p> <p>Yet in existing research, I found few examples of people like me. Most studies seem to focus on people who are completely asexual, not in the gray area.</p> <p>In popular media, asexuals rarely even appear at all. <a href="https://www.themiamihurricane.com/2019/10/30/on-asexuality-the-big-bang-theory-and-representation/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">When they do</a>, they’re often portrayed as weird, robotic and incapable of love. In mainstream culture, there’s also an element of denialism, with many people believing that asexuality is impossible – that those who identify as asexual must have something wrong with them, such as hormonal issues. Perhaps they simply “<a href="https://medium.com/@acegirl/being-asexual-does-not-mean-we-havent-found-the-right-person-yet-459eb3938312" target="_blank" rel="noopener">haven’t found the right person</a>” or need to “try harder.”</p> <p>So this study was born out of my experiences as a person on the asexual spectrum, which is why it was so important for me to address all the different asexuals out there and give a voice to my own community.</p> <p>Many asexual people choose to be in relationships; they just may go about the process differently. Some might participate in <a href="https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/non-monogamous-relationships/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">non-monogamous relationships</a>. Others might be forced to disclose their identities and preferences in different ways, wondering when – if ever – they should open up about it to potential partners, fearing that the reactions could be less than positive and lead to relationship difficulties.</p> <p>However, many asexuals relate to the <a href="https://www.gsrc.princeton.edu/split-attraction#:%7E:text=According%20to%20the%20split%20attraction,the%20same%20for%20some%20people." target="_blank" rel="noopener">Split Attraction Model</a>, which is a theory that shows how romantic and sexual attraction are two distinct experiences, and therefore, one can experience sex without love and love without sex. With this in mind, it is possible for asexuals to identify with a romantic orientation and pursue romantic relationships, since these are different experiences.</p> <h2>Relationships centered on romance</h2> <p>For our study, we looked exactly at this split and surveyed 485 people who self-identified as being on the asexual spectrum and were currently in a romantic relationship.</p> <p>The participants identified as heteroromantic, biromantic, homoromantic, panromantic and more, showing significant diversity among the romantic interests of this group. We then asked them about their relationship satisfaction, their level of investment in the relationship and how they viewed the quality of alternatives to their relationship.</p> <p>Additionally, we explored their <a href="https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">attachment orientation</a>. This is defined as the way in which people approach their close relationships. It’s usually formed in childhood and is a pattern that continues into adulthood. People tend to either exhibit an “anxious attachment style,” which is often characterized by feeling worried about abandonment and being anxious about losing the relationship; an “avoidant attachment style,” which means someone may push people away or fear emotional intimacy; or a “secure attachment style,” which is when people feel secure in their emotions and can maintain long-lasting relationships.</p> <p>Ultimately, our results were generally consistent with <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/1475-6811.00035" target="_blank" rel="noopener">previous work</a> on relationships in all of their forms. As with those relationships, we found that asexual people who were more satisfied and more invested were more committed in their relationships. When they weren’t pining for other people or didn’t see being alone as a better alternative, their relationships tended to flourish.</p> <p>Attachment orientation patterns were also generally consistent with past research on other sexuality groups. Much like <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2012.01423.x" target="_blank" rel="noopener">work done</a> on other relationships, avoidant asexual individuals were also less committed, satisfied and invested in their relationships, as one would expect.</p> <p>However, there were also some inconsistencies with past research. For example, among asexual people, an anxious attachment style actually correlated to higher commitment and satisfaction. The opposite tends to occur in other types of <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4939067/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">relationships.</a></p> <p>Nonetheless, I hope this research will help normalize the idea that asexuals can thrive in romantic relationships. It turns out that asexuals can experience romantic love as much as other sexual orientations do: with the same opportunities for joy and growth, the same challenges of navigating conflict and compromise, and the same possibility of a lifelong commitment.</p> <p><strong>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-asexuals-navigate-romantic-relationships-192685" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>.</strong></p> <p><em>Image: Shutterstock</em></p>

Relationships

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Top tips to navigate the financial effects of COVID-19

<p><em>Please note: This story covers financial matters but it is general in nature and does not take into account your personal circumstances. Please consult your own financial advisor for more information.</em></p> <p>We are living in unusual times and COVID-19 has led to major changes in just about all parts of our life – including your retirement planning. So here, we’re giving you some retirement planning tips to help you find your way through all of these changes.</p> <p>Many of us have been working for the past couple of decades, saving our super and planning for our retirement, so we can relax and enjoy ourselves. And then along comes 2020 and the COVID-19 pandemic and everything changes. So how can you keep your retirement planning on track?</p> <p>Let’s take a look at what’s changed so far and how you can keep your retirement planning and finances on track, post COVID-19.</p> <p><strong>Tips for your retirement income investments</strong></p> <p>One of the effects of the current economic crisis is the fact interest rates have been cut and this is difficult for those who have long term investments as some of these returns will be cut as well.</p> <p>Companies have slashed dividends but this seems to be getting better but keep watching what’s happening on the stock market and check the movements here.</p> <p>It can be tempting to move from equities to other income-generating assets – and many people have turned to drawing down on their super to supplement their income.</p> <p>But if you’re tempted to sell stocks now, this could have a long-term negative impact on your investment objectives. By moving from a growth portfolio to a conservative portfolio – for example if you move from shares to fixed income assets - at the wrong time, this can affect your retirement savings greatly.</p> <p>It’s no surprise that if you’re around retirement age, you have the most to lose from this strategy. Financial experts say the best approach for long-term investors is to seek advice, but also to keep the faith and understand that markets – and dividends – will rebound.</p> <p>When considering stocks for a retirement portfolio, it’s best to take a ‘total return approach’. So, what else can you do in to help your finances during the pandemic?</p> <p><strong>Tips for weathering market volatility for retirement savings</strong></p> <p>This year’s market volatility and dividend cuts show how important it is to have a flexible plan for your retirement. While your adviser can tailor a strategy for your individual circumstances, here are some ideas to consider:</p> <p><strong>Ensure your portfolio is well-diversified </strong></p> <p>Research shows that if you have diversification across asset classes, local versus global markets, and even alternative investments not correlated to the market, this will help lower the volatility of returns and lessen the impact of any downturns.</p> <p>If you’re still working, aim to build a buffer of enough cash – or similar investments such as term deposits – to cover at least one year’s worth of living expenses.</p> <p>If you’ve recently retired and you have some liquid assets you can draw on outside of your super, this will help offset any reduced pension income.</p> <p><strong>Keep your money in super for longer</strong></p> <p>If you can afford to, it’s better to leave your money in your super as long as possible because every dollar you pull out now won’t be there to benefit from a future rise in value.</p> <p>Many Australians have already drawn on their super funds in this economic crisis and it means they’ll be under more pressure later on down the track. If you’ve converted your super into an account-based pension (ABP), you may take advantage of the government’s halving the mandatory drawdown limits until 30 June 2021 and reduce your pension withdrawals.</p> <p>If you’re in a platform or an SMSF, you have the flexibility to decide how to fund your ABP payment. On the other hand, retail or industry super funds will generally make the decision for you. In either case, speak to your financial adviser to get more advice in this area.</p> <p><strong>Check how your super funds are faring</strong></p> <p>Most Australians are investors in the share market through their super. Your super funds could invest in a range of investments including global shares, cash, fixed income, bonds, both listed and unlisted infrastructure, both listed and unlisted property, and private equity. Each of these has its own risk profile so while the market is quite volatile at the moment, there will be a higher risk for some assets.</p> <p>While you don’t select the assets your super fund invests in on your behalf, you do have control over how your super is invested more broadly by contacting your super fund and choosing an investment option. While the investment options differ from fund to fund, most offer options such as conservative, balanced, growth and high growth.</p> <p>If you don’t choose an investment option, the default option for most funds is either a balanced or growth option – and around 80% of Australian super accounts are invested in their fund’s default option. This means that for most Australians, while your super may have some exposure to higher-risk assets, this would be balanced by lower-risk assets.</p> <p>COVID-19 has made the investment market more volatile lately. If you’re close to retirement, it could be a concern for you if your super is invested in higher risk assets. At this time in your life, it could be a good idea to have your super invested in a more conservative investment option so you can speak with your super fund about this and they’ll give you advice – or you can consult your financial adviser.</p> <p><strong>Consider an annuity</strong></p> <p>Buying a term or lifetime annuity provides you with a guaranteed income stream over a chosen period, regardless of the sequence of investment returns. While an annuity will give you peace of mind, the returns tend to be lower than other higher risk investments, which may not be suitable for everyone, so take this into account.</p> <p><strong>Review your spending plans</strong></p> <p>It’s generally known that new retirees generally spend more than they do later in retirement. Now is a good time to review your spending plans. While COVID-19 is forcing people delay their big trips, any other steps you can take to reduce your spending now will minimise the impact on your retirement portfolio.</p> <p>If you’re approaching retirement you may be thinking about downsizing your family home. This means you need to sell it and purchase a smaller property or a unit in a retirement village. It could be an ideal time to act on this as real estate prices are at an all time high.</p> <p>This is a good idea because you can use the extra money you’ll have from selling your home to supplement your super or you could use it as extra liquidity during your retirement.</p> <p>Also, if you’re on the age pension, you need to be aware when you sell your family home, the money you've gained from downsizing will count towards your means test. Therefore, if you end up with a great deal of extra income, this could result in a reduction, or even the cancellation of your age pension.</p> <p>If you’re aged over 65 and you’ve lived in your family home for 10 years or more, you can contribute up to $300,000 individually, or $600,000 as a couple, from the sale of your home into your superannuation.</p> <p>This move can really help you boost the income you can generate in retirement. But before you go down this path, there are some extra eligibility criteria for these large contributions to your super, so you may need to get advice and check if you’re eligible.</p> <p>Ask your financial adviser about these contributions to your super – usually referred to as ‘Downsizer Contributions.’ These contributions can count towards your Age Pension assets test so check all of this out when you do your planning.</p> <p>As you can see, downsizing is not as easy as you might first think so it’s best to speak to your financial adviser about the best options for your circumstances.</p> <p><em>Photo: Shutterstock</em></p> <p> </p>

Money & Banking

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Here is how you can navigate public transport as safely as possible as coronavirus restrictions ease

<p>As coronavirus restrictions continue to ease, one of the key challenges we face is how to deal with people moving around a lot more.</p> <p>In particular, as more of us start to head back to school and the office in the coming weeks and months, more of us will be getting on buses, trains and trams.</p> <p>So what is public transport going to look like as we relax restrictions, and how can we navigate this safely?</p> <p><strong>Workplaces can help</strong></p> <p>Victorian premier Daniel Andrews has emphasised <a href="https://7news.com.au/lifestyle/health-wellbeing/victoria-coronavirus-update-daniel-andrews-says-working-from-home-will-stay-c-1042934">working from home</a> will be one of the last measures the state will ease.</p> <p>But even when restrictions are relaxed, do we all need to go into the office as much as we used to?</p> <p>Working from home has become the “new normal” for many of us, and we’ve learnt a lot about how to do this successfully. Employers have adjusted too, with some indicating <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/business-52765165">they will encourage</a> increased remote working moving forward.</p> <p>So one of the obvious things we can do to reduce the numbers of people using public transport is to continue to work from home where possible.</p> <p>Another option is for workplaces to implement flexible start times. If we can reduce the numbers of people using public transport during peak times, this will make a significant difference in reducing crowding.</p> <p><strong>Public transport providers and governments</strong></p> <p>State governments have introduced <a href="https://www.9news.com.au/national/nsw-public-transport-changes-marshals-security-to-enforce-coronavirus-social-distancing/4a6c3554-547d-4c76-b562-d071343eb06f">additional cleaning practices</a> on public transport networks. These will continue, and may even be increased, as more people return to public transport.</p> <p>Although increased cleaning is important, physical distancing remains the key to safely moving large numbers of people again. Governments will need to consider some changes to ensure people can keep a safe distance from others on their commute.</p> <p>As we’ve seen with the easing of restrictions, different states will take different approaches.</p> <p>For example, New South Wales has imposed limits on how many people can board a bus or train. A maximum of <a href="https://www.9news.com.au/national/coronavirus-nsw-public-transport-rules-how-many-people-can-go-on-bus-train/77bf87a6-288a-4015-86b5-87786fb6729c">32 people</a> are allowed in a train carriage (normally one carriage holds 123 passengers), while buses are limited to 12 passengers (capacity is normally 63).</p> <p>Further, markings on the seats and floors of buses and trains indicate where people can sit and stand.</p> <p>Marshals are also <a href="https://www.9news.com.au/national/nsw-public-transport-changes-marshals-security-to-enforce-coronavirus-social-distancing/4a6c3554-547d-4c76-b562-d071343eb06f">being stationed</a> around the public transport network to ensure commuters are following the rules.</p> <p>In a similar move, the South Australian government revealed they <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-05-29/coronavirus-plan-for-adelaide-trains-buses-and-trams/12301252">will remove seats</a> from Adelaide trains.</p> <p>In contrast, Queensland is not imposing any passenger limits, instead asking commuters to use their common sense. The government <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-05-22/coronavirus-queensland-commuters-distancing-public-transport/12263506">says</a> there is plenty of room on public transport in Queensland at present, and the risk of virus transmission is low given the small number of active cases.</p> <p>Similarly, Victoria has not imposed passenger limits. But the <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/national/victoria/shift-work-and-days-at-home-on-the-cards-to-avoid-public-transport-overcrowding-20200530-p54xz6.html">government has indicated</a> commuters will be able to access information about which public transport services are the least crowded to assist travel planning.</p> <p>Some states have flagged <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/national/victoria/shift-work-and-days-at-home-on-the-cards-to-avoid-public-transport-overcrowding-20200530-p54xz6.html">extra services</a> may be needed to avoid overcrowding, though the extent to which this will be possible is dependent on resources.</p> <p>In addition to <a href="https://www.smh.com.au/national/nsw/extra-services-added-to-sydney-s-straining-transport-network-20200523-p54vrs.html">extra services</a>, NSW has <a href="https://www.transport.nsw.gov.au/news-and-events/media-releases/physical-distancing-on-transport-key-to-a-safe-pathway-back-to-work">indicated</a> it will boost car parking and enhance access for cyclists and pedestrians.</p> <p><strong>What can you do?</strong></p> <p>The main responsibility around keeping virus transmission suppressed as we relax restrictions rests with us as individuals to behave sensibly and responsibly.</p> <p>The same principles apply when we use public transport as when we navigate all public spaces.</p> <p>Maintaining physical distance from others and washing our hands regularly are possibly even more important when we’re using public transport, given we potentially come into contact with a lot of people in an enclosed space.</p> <p>We know SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes COVID-19, is <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com.au/coronavirus-risk-higher-tight-indoor-spaces-with-little-air-flow-2020-5?r=US&amp;IR=T">more likely</a> to spread indoors than outdoors. We also know prolonged contact with someone infected with the virus increases the risk of transmission, as compared to a passing encounter.</p> <p>So public transport commutes have the potential to pose a significant risk of virus transmission, especially if you’re sitting next to an infected person on a long journey.</p> <p>Taking hand sanitiser when you use public transport is a good idea so you can clean your hands while travelling. You may be touching contaminated surfaces, for example the bars and handles for balance.</p> <p>In addition, washing your hands thoroughly with soap as soon as you arrive at your destination should become a part of your routine.</p> <p>Importantly, if you’re sick you should not be leaving the house, let alone taking public transport or going to work.</p> <p><strong>What about masks?</strong></p> <p>Wearing a mask on public transport is an issue of <a href="https://www.smh.com.au/politics/federal/chief-medical-officer-backs-voluntary-use-of-face-masks-on-public-transport-20200529-p54xrd.html">personal preference</a>.</p> <p>But if you choose to wear a mask, it’s important to understand a couple of things.</p> <p>First, masks need to be <a href="https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/advice-for-public/when-and-how-to-use-masks">put on and taken off correctly</a> so you don’t inadvertently infect yourself in the process.</p> <p>And while masks potentially offer <a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/coronavirus/in-depth/coronavirus-mask/art-20485449">some additional protection</a> to you and others, it’s still critical to follow physical distancing and other hygiene measures.</p> <p><em>Written by Hassan Vally. </em><em>Republished with permission of </em><a href="https://theconversation.com/as-coronavirus-restrictions-ease-heres-how-you-can-navigate-public-transport-as-safely-as-possible-138845"><em>The Conversation.</em></a></p> <p><em> </em></p>

Travel Tips

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Princess Beatrice and Eugenie open up about living life in the public eye: “It’s hard to navigate”

<p>Princess Beatrice and Eugenie have opened up about living in the publicly eye, revealing that they both struggle with the constant “mockery” and criticism.</p> <p>In the sisters’ first joint interview, they explained how they find it hard to be working women in an ‘Instagram’ world, where everything appears perfect on the surface.</p> <p>The Queen’s granddaughters said that despite their family’s status, they were “real”.</p> <p>Speaking to British edition of <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.vogue.co.uk/" target="_blank"><strong><em><u>Vogue</u></em></strong></a> magazine, 29-year-old Princess Beatrice said: “It’s hard to navigate situations like these because there is no precedent, there is no protocol.</p> <p>“We are the first: we are young women trying to build careers and have personal lives, and we’re also princesses, and doing all of this in the public eye.”</p> <p>Princes Eugenie, 28, agreed with her sister.</p> <p>"We want to show people who we are as working, young, royal women, but also not to be afraid of putting ourselves out there," said Eugenie.</p> <p>"Nowadays it's so easy to recoil when you see a perfect image on Instagram – but it's important that it's real. We're real."</p> <p>In recent years, the royals have been ridiculed for their fashion choices – including when Beatrice’s hat at Prince William and Kate’s 2011 wedding was likened to a toilet seat.</p> <p>Beatrice has also faced scrutiny for the number of holidays she takes.</p> <p>The sisters said there was "no point being angry with anyone for beating us up – we just need to shine light and love in the world". </p> <p>However, they revealed that the criticism has impacted them on several occasions.</p> <p>Eugenie recalled one day when both sisters were reduced to tears by the press, while attending a garden party at Buckingham Palace.</p> <p>"There was a horrible article that had been written about Beatrice and she got really upset. We were just about to step out and she had a bit of a wobble and cried. I was looking after her. And then about an hour later, I had a wobble and started crying and Bea was there for me," she said. </p> <p>In the interview the sisters opened up about their jobs, with Beatrice working at US technology company Afiniti and Eugenie working in a contemporary art gallery.</p> <p>The royals, who describe each other as their “rocks”, are also busily preparing for Eugenie’s wedding to Jack Brooksbank in October.</p> <p>Beatrice has been confirmed as her sister’s maid-of-honour.</p> <p>Eugenie said she was not a ‘bridezilla’, saying: “I’m not stressed at all. It’s nerve-racking because you want it to be perfect, but then you realise that you’re going to be with the person you love forever and nothing else really matters.”</p> <p>Eugenie and Jack will marry in St George’s chapel, the same location as Prince Harry and Meghan’s wedding.</p>

News

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How to best navigate a marriage breakdown

<p>The end of a relationship can be an incredibly difficult time in your life – even if you were unhappy for a long period of time prior to the breakup. Dealing with all of the challenges that come along with a dissolving marriage or long-term relationship looks different for everyone, but there are some things you should try to avoid in the aftermath of the breakup, as well as a couple that we recommend you try to remember.</p> <p><strong>1. DO practice self-care</strong></p> <p>In the wake of a difficult break-up, many of us have a tendency to spiral into bad habits, or just plain forget to take care of ourselves. It’s important to remember that just because your relationship has come to an end, your life is very much still ahead of you, so you need to take care of yourself. Don’t stop exercising or eating nutritious meals; do lean on friends who offer a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Don’t wallow in what you might have done wrong, or would do differently now; do seek out activities that occupy your mind and make you happy.</p> <p><strong>2. DON’T jump into another relationship</strong></p> <p>Even if you feel like your relationship was over long before the day it officially ended, it’s still important to take time for yourself before you move on to anything serious. So close to a relationship’s end, it can be difficult to see what exactly went wrong, and to be objective about what you would do differently moving forward.</p> <p><strong>3. DO consider seeking professional help</strong></p> <p>The American Psychologist Association <a href="http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/healthy-divorce.aspx" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">recommends seeking professional help</span></strong></a>, even if only at first, so that you can look constructively and gently at what happened to your relationship, what your needs are going forward, and what you envision your life to look like with another partner.</p> <p><strong>4. DON’T make big decisions</strong></p> <p>Your emotions are sure to be conflicted at this time in your life, so although you might feel the need for massive changes, try to hold off on making any big or costly decisions for at least a few weeks. If you’re unsure about things, try talking them over with a close friend or family member, and ask them to be completely honest with you.</p> <p><strong>5. DO limit your contact with your ex-partner</strong></p> <p>It can feel strange, even wrong, to go from seeing your partner every day of your life to suddenly spending your days without them. The temptation to see them is understandably strong, but it’s a good idea to resist that urge. Interacting with a recent ex can stir up a lot of feelings, and leave you confused about why the relationship ended in the first place.</p> <p>If you’ve gone through a divorce or relationship breakdown, what advice would you give to others?</p>

Relationships

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How to navigate difficult conversations at Christmas lunch

<p>Christmas is often a time when family comes together that may not see each other all that often. For this reason it’s often a time for having difficult conversations to flare up (or need to be brought up).</p> <p>Whether it’s differing political views, financial woes or needing to arrange care for an elderly relative – these difficult conversations can be just plain hard.</p> <p>How do you bring up the issues without offending or upsetting everybody? Follow our tips to navigate the waters safely.</p> <p>There tend to be three types of conversations that can come up over the festive season when family comes together. There are those that are best avoided (‘So I hope everybody voted in the same way as me in the same sex marriage plebiscite?’); those that you need to have but find it tricky to bring up; and then those that arise naturally in the course of the season that need to be dealt with.</p> <p><strong>1. Conversations to avoid</strong></p> <p>Politics, religion, war – whatever sets your family members’ temperature on fire is best left away from the Christmas meal. If you’re the host, let people know upfront that you have a few ‘house rules’ and that these topics are off limits. Then you can quickly interject with a ‘not at my table!’ if any discussions start up that you know could end badly. If you’re not the host, you can always steer the conversation away by saying ‘I think this conversation is not suitable for the table, let’s shelve it for now.’</p> <p><strong>2. Conversations to plan for</strong></p> <p>Sometimes there are things that need to be discussed, such as making medical or care-based decisions for a sick or elderly relative. In this instance, it’s best arranged for a specific time post Christmas where the relevant parties (not the whole extended family) can get together in a calm space to talk. These are not the chats to have while carving the turkey, they are private and should be planned for in that manner. Again it’s a matter of interjecting if the topic comes up in the wrong space. Grandkids don’t need to be present while great aunt Josephine’s nursing home options are discussed, or when someone takes issue with their long-lost cousin’s will.</p> <p><strong>3. Conversations to deal with</strong></p> <p>Often the heightened emotion of an extended family coming together (and more often than not, alcohol) can bring up new or old issues that need to be dealt with. For instance a relative may feel comfortable enough to share with the group that they have been battling with depression or financial stress. In this instance, if appropriate, suggest taking the conversation somewhere private or arrange a time to have a proper discussion without any distractions. People often just want to feel as though someone is willing to listen to them, so they will most likely appreciate the fact that you care enough to discuss it while respecting their privacy.</p> <p>Have you had to deal with some tough conversations across the Christmas table? We would love to hear how you resolved the issues with your family. Please share in the comments.</p>

Relationships

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Navigating the path of ageing as a single

<p>For many reasons, tens of thousands of New Zealanders are finding themselves single as they enter their 60s and beyond.</p> <p>It goes without saying that the ageing process can be a difficult one, made even more so if you have to go through it alone. Thankfully, there are some simple ways you can navigate the path successfully and with ease.</p> <p><strong>Form a strong support network</strong></p> <p>Having a support network is important at all stages of life, but particularly as we grow older. Just because you don’t have a partner doesn’t mean you don’t have people in your life who care about you. Having a strong family bond or good group of friends is essential for when you’re going through tough times. Making new friends can seem daunting at first, but you’ll learn it’s not much harder than it was when you were a kid. Read our article on <a href="/health/caring/2016/04/ways-to-make-friends-when-youre-60-plus/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">making friends over 60</span></strong></a> for some great advice on expanding your support network.</p> <p><strong>Get your affairs in order</strong></p> <p>It’s not a topic anyone likes to think about, let alone talk about, but with the rate of people living alone over 60 continuing to grow, it’s more important than ever to ensure you have all your end-of-life plans in place. Without a partner to discuss these issues with, it’s essential you disclose your wishes to other loved ones. Aside from planning a will and outlining your funeral wishes, you should think about how you’d like to spend your final days if the worst should happen. See our <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/finance/legal/2015/08/planning-ahead-checklist-have-you-ticked-all-of-the-boxes/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">checklist</span></strong></a> to ensure you’ve planned ahead.</p> <p><strong>Never say “never”</strong></p> <p>Resigned yourself to the prospect of being single for the rest of your life? It’s never too late to get back into the dating game. More and more seniors are turning to online dating to meet likeminded people, whether just for friendship or something more. If you’re worried about stigma surrounding online dating, don’t. Millions of people are turning to the Internet to find a partner. <strong><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/03/trusted-tips-for-finding-love/" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Click here</span></a></strong> to read our tips for finding love.</p> <p><strong>Related links:</strong></p> <p><a href="/health/caring/2016/04/ways-to-make-friends-when-youre-60-plus/"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">6 ways to make friends when you’re 60-plus</span></strong></em></a></p> <p><a href="/health/caring/2016/04/why-women-need-other-women/"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Why women need other women</span></strong></em></a></p> <p><a href="/health/caring/2016/02/i-wanted-to-help-my-father-die-with-dignity/"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">I wanted to help my father die with dignity</span></strong></em></a></p>

Caring

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A guide to navigating the path of grief

<p>Airdre Grant understands grief and loss all too well. In the space of one year, she lost her long-term relationship, her cat, dog, father, and twin brother. Seeking solace and survival, she went on a life-transforming pilgrimage to Scotland and the Himalayas that enabled her to gain strength and wisdom from her journey of sorrow and loss. In her new book, Stumbling Stones, Airdre offers touching stories, poignant anecdotes, and inspiring advice to anybody traversing the painful and emotional landscape of loss and grief. Here Airdre, writing for Over60, shares the lessons she learnt and the wisdom she gleaned with dealing with a subject we rarely talk about – death and loss.</p> <p>Everyone gets to walk the dark path of grief and loss at some stage during his or her life. It is unavoidable. Although we would rather avoid pain, there are, I believe, treasures to be found in the darkness. There are also some strategies you can employ, that offer a handhold or two, when you are trying to find your way through the swamp.</p> <p><strong>Here are some things I discovered as I travelled that rocky path:</strong></p> <ul> <li>I learned the importance of sitting still and the value of withdrawal. There are times when it is a really good idea to stay home and pull up the drawbridge. It can be very uncomfortable to go out and a) try to be jolly, b) try to be invisible, and c) sit in a group, trying to join in while feeling out of step, as if a pane of glass were separating you from the event and other people.  Say no. This doesn’t mean become a permanent recluse; it means respecting your sensitivity and your woundedness until such time as you feel ready for the world.</li> <li>Don’t wait. If you have a grievance or an unresolved issue with someone you care about, do something. Don’t get stuck on Being Right. If the person won’t talk to you or the matter is really stuck, this ritual might help: write a letter explaining everything you feel and then assume their position and write one back full of everything you think they feel. Then burn said letters. It can help to shift a hard nugget of resentment or pain and move it out of your head and heart.</li> <li>Use what works to give you comfort and consolation. I used poetry, stories. Others might use music or art. Drugs and alcohol also work – but only temporarily. They don’t resolve, they postpone, so be aware. (I turned to whisky for a while and it worked in the moment, but when I stopped all the pain was still there, waiting patiently for me at the end of my 3am bed.)</li> <li>Going into nature can help. Walk in the garden, sit under stars, stroll on a beach, wade a river. Go to remote and wild places, and soak up the tender gift of quietude. Such places hold healing, which works in subtle and powerful ways. You can sit by a river feeling ragged and come away with a fledgling tranquillity that can help patch you back together.</li> <li>Be with animals. They don’t ask for explanation. They don’t judge. They just are and all you need to do is be with that love. Dogs or horses lead you into being physical- walking or riding – when you may have been sitting in your puddle of sorrow a wee bit too long. Other creatures – maybe cats or an entertaining bird – can help draw your focus into the here and now, away from your unhappiness.</li> <li>There are mysteries and unexpected gifts to be had in the dark places and in that time of altered space. Know that this time of clarity and awareness, which won’t last, can provide insight and certain knowledge about what really matters, what is deeply important to you. You may not be fit for daily life, but in this space you might also be open to seeing and hearing things you could otherwise overlook. This is a time when you hear and see differently, when your hunches and your intuitions speak to you more clearly. Take heed.</li> <li>A pilgrimage, in whatever form it takes, can be significant, restorative. It can be far away or near. Moving out of the familiar opens you up to other worlds and other people. Going to sacred places can help connect you to the wonderful and the unfathomable that is the Divine. It can nourish your spirit, help heal a battered heart.</li> <li>Remember to eat. This might be a basic consideration, but it is often the last thing you feel like. Sustenance is a great emotional leveller. On the other hand, lack of nourishment can magnify nervousness, vulnerability, depression. When I couldn’t face food, a friend gave me healthy fruit-and-yogurt smoothies, like a meal in a glass. Those sweet, milky drinks go down easily and can keep you going, when nothing else tempts your appetite.</li> </ul> <p>The journey along the Dark Path is one foot in front of the other, stumbling as we go. While nothing about it is easy, I believe there is an inexplicable magic that governs us during this time. There are many consolations and rewards to be found along the way and although such gifts are hard won, ultimately they contribute to the rebuilding of a wounded heart.</p> <p><img width="301" height="451" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/17025/airdre-grant-profile_301x451.jpg" alt="Airdre Grant Profile" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"/></p> <p><em>Airdre Grant author of Stumbling Stones, published by Hardie Grant Books, RRP $24.99</em></p> <p><strong>Related links:</strong></p> <p><strong><em><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2016/01/small-acts-of-kindness-change-lives/">These small acts of kindness changed lives</a></span></em></strong></p> <p><strong><em><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/lifestyle/relationships/2015/08/healing-from-heartbreak/">Tips on healing from heartbreak</a></span></em></strong></p> <p><strong><em><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/lifestyle/relationships/2016/01/science-behind-couples-who-die-together/">There’s a science behind couple that die close together</a></span></em></strong></p> <p> </p>

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