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How much do you need to know about how your spouse spends money? Maybe less than you think

<div class="theconversation-article-body"> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/scott-rick-1534612">Scott Rick</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-michigan-1290">University of Michigan</a></em></p> <p>Love is in the air, and wedding season is upon us.</p> <p>Like many elder millennials, I grew up watching sitcoms in the 1980s and ‘90s. Whenever those series needed a ratings boost, they would feature a wedding. Those special episodes taught me that weddings usually involve young lovebirds: think Elvin and Sondra from “The Cosby Show,” Cory and Topanga from “Boy Meets World,” or David and Darlene from “Roseanne.”</p> <p>But those were different times. People are getting married later in life than they used to: In the United States, <a href="https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/visualizations/time-series/demo/families-and-households/ms-2.pdf">the median age of newlyweds</a> has grown to 28 for women and 30 for men.</p> <p>This trend means that many Americans now enter marriage after being self-reliant for several years, including managing their own money. Will they be eager to change that once they get married? Don’t count on it. A 2017 <a href="https://bettermoneyhabits.bankofamerica.com/content/dam/bmh/pdf/ar6vnln9-boa-bmh-millennial-report-winter-2018-final2.pdf">Bank of America survey</a> suggests that millennial married couples are around 15 percentage points more likely than their predecessors to keep their finances separate.</p> <p>This is not necessarily a good development. As a behavioral scientist <a href="https://michiganross.umich.edu/faculty-research/faculty/scott-rick">who studies money and relationships</a>, I find that joint accounts <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/jcr/ucad020">can bring partners closer</a>.</p> <p>There are some risks, however. Joint accounts create transparency, and intuitively, transparency feels like a good thing in relationships. But I argue that some privacy is important even for highly committed couples – <a href="https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250280077/tightwadsandspendthrifts">and money is no exception</a>.</p> <h2>The newlywed game</h2> <p>Behavioral scientists <a href="https://kelley.iu.edu/faculty-research/faculty-directory/profile.html?id=jgolson">Jenny Olson</a>, <a href="https://som.yale.edu/faculty-research/faculty-directory/deborah-small">Deb Small</a>, <a href="https://www.kellogg.northwestern.edu/faculty/directory/finkel_eli.aspx">Eli Finkel</a> and I recently conducted <a href="https://academic.oup.com/jcr/article-abstract/50/4/704/7077142">an experiment with engaged and newlywed couples</a>. Each of the pairs had entirely separate accounts, but they were undecided about how they wanted to manage their money moving forward.</p> <p>We randomly assigned each of the 230 couples to one of three groups. One group kept their money in separate accounts; one merged their cash into a joint account and stopped using separate accounts; and one managed their money however they liked.</p> <p>We followed couples for two years, periodically asking them to complete surveys assessing their relationship dynamics and satisfaction. Our relationship quality measure included items such as “I cannot imagine another person making me as happy as my partner does” and “Within the last three months, I shouted or yelled at my partner.”</p> <p>Among the couples who could do whatever they wanted, most kept things separate. They and the couples assigned to keep separate accounts experienced a steady decline in relationship quality over time.</p> <p>This is a fairly typical pattern. For instance, in <a href="https://academic.oup.com/sf/article-abstract/79/4/1313/2234046">a large study that tracked U.S. couples’ marital happiness for 17 years</a>, <a href="https://www.unk.edu/academics/social-work/faculty_staff/van_laningham.php">sociologist Jody Van Laningham</a> and colleagues found that “marital happiness either declines continuously or flattens after a long period of decline.”</p> <p>Declines during the first two years of marriage are particularly important. Social scientist <a href="https://liberalarts.utexas.edu/prc/faculty/hustontl">Ted Huston</a> and colleagues call those first two years <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.80.2.237">the “connubial crucible</a>.” They find that relationship dynamics that develop during that crucial period can foreshadow relationship quality for many years to come.</p> <p>Couples in our study who were prompted to take the plunge into a joint account, however, maintained their initial level of relationship satisfaction over the course of the two-year experiment.</p> <h2>Tit-for-tat</h2> <p>Our survey results suggest that, by turning “my money” and “your money” into “our money,” a joint account can help to reduce scorekeeping within a relationship. For example, we found that couples with joint accounts were more likely to agree with statements such as “When one person does something for the other, the other should not owe the giver anything.”</p> <p>Relationships usually don’t start with a scorekeeping orientation. In the 1980s and ‘90s, psychologist <a href="https://psychology.yale.edu/people/margaret-clark">Margaret Clark</a> and colleagues conducted experiments where partners had the option of keeping track of each other’s contributions to a shared task. <a href="https://clarkrelationshiplab.yale.edu/sites/default/files/files/Resource%20allocation%20in%20intimate%20relationships.pdf">They observed</a> that intimate relationships often begin with a “communal” orientation, where partners help one another without keeping careful track of who’s doing what.</p> <p>Eventually, however, they take on more of an “exchange” orientation – where inputs are tracked and timely reciprocity is expected. Couples that manage to stave off a tit-for-tat mindset <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610373882">tend to be happier</a>.</p> <h2>Too much of a good thing?</h2> <p>The data from our experiment with young couples clearly suggests that using only a joint account is better than using only separate accounts. However, I argue in my new book, “<a href="https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250280077/">Tightwads and Spendthrifts</a>,” that just a joint account is probably not optimal.</p> <p>When partners use only a joint account, they get an up-close-and-personal view of how the other person is spending money. This kind of transparency is <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/money-habits-successful-married-couples-avoid-2016-11">normally viewed</a> as a good thing.</p> <p>Some commentators argue that a healthy marriage should have no secrets whatsoever. For example, Willard Harley, Jr., a clinical psychologist who primarily writes for Christian audiences, argues that you should “reveal to your spouse <a href="https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-radical-honesty.htm">as much information about yourself as you know</a>: your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future.”</p> <p>In addition, if your goal is to minimize optional spending, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/jcpy.1083">research suggests</a> that the transparency that comes with a joint account can be helpful. We spend less when someone is looking over our shoulder.</p> <p>Still, there are reasons to believe that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407500172005">complete transparency can be harmful for couples</a>.</p> <p>Many people have become convinced that if they could just stop buying lattes and avocado toast, they could invest that money and become rich. Unfortunately, the underlying math is highly dubious, as journalist Helaine Olen points out in <a href="https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/308568/pound-foolish-by-helaine-olen/">her book “Pound Foolish</a>.” Still, many people view small indulgences as their primary obstacle to wealth. Complete transparency around these financially inconsequential “treats” <a href="https://slate.com/business/2021/09/partner-hates-retail-therapy-money-advice.html">can lead to unnecessary arguments</a>.</p> <p>Also, spouses may have different passions that their partner does not fully understand. Expenses that seem perfectly reasonable to another hobbyist may seem outrageous <a href="https://academic.oup.com/jcr/article-abstract/19/2/256/1929895">to someone without the proper context</a> – another source of <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2352250X21000750">avoidable disagreements</a>.</p> <h2>'Translucent,’ not transparent</h2> <p>I propose that many couples may benefit from a combination of joint and separate accounts.</p> <p>A joint account is essential for ensuring that both partners have immediate and equal access to “our money.” Ideally, all income would be direct-deposited into the joint account, which would help to blur the gap between partners’ earnings. Conspicuous income differences <a href="https://doi.org/10.1086/432228">can jeopardize relationship quality</a>.</p> <p>Separate accounts attached to the joint account can allow some privacy for individual purchases and help partners maintain a sense of autonomy and individuality. Each person gets to spend some of “our money” without their partner looking over their shoulder. Spouses would have a high-level understanding of how much their partner is spending per week or per month, but avoid the occasionally irritating details.</p> <p>This kind of partial financial transparency – <a href="https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250280077/tightwadsandspendthrifts">what I call “financial translucency</a>” – could help couples strike the right balance between financial and psychological well-being.</p> <p>Of course, this approach requires a lot of trust. If the relationship is already on thin ice, complete financial transparency may be necessary. However, if the relationship is generally in the “good, but could be even better” category, I would argue that financial translucency is worth considering.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/230070/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/scott-rick-1534612">Scott Rick</a>, Associate Professor of Marketing, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-michigan-1290">University of Michigan</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Shutterstock </em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-much-do-you-need-to-know-about-how-your-spouse-spends-money-maybe-less-than-you-think-230070">original article</a>.</em></p> </div>

Money & Banking

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Happy wife, happy life? A harmonious relationship is the responsibility of both partners

<p>Relationships play a key role in people’s happiness. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1038/s44159-022-00026-2" target="_blank" rel="noopener">There are scholars</a> who study how people maintain good quality relationships and the challenges they face.</p> <p>Some challenges are beyond people’s control, including financial, familial and health stressors — however, there are things people can control to make their relationships stronger.</p> <p>For instance, people can avoid escalating conflict, criticizing a partner or acting too jealous. They can also do positive things in the relationship in the form of gratitude, laughter, sharing good news and experiencing new things together.</p> <p>Given that there are many needs to be juggled within and outside relationships, people have to decide what to focus on. In other words, to manage their lives, it is good for people to assess how things are going in various domains of their life by asking questions like: “Is my relationship satisfying? Could I be doing more to make it more satisfying?”</p> <h2>Women as barometers</h2> <p>There is a view among laypeople and relationship researchers that women are the “barometers” of relationships — that is, women’s judgments about their relationships are more predictive than men’s of future relationship satisfaction.</p> <p>There are several origins of this view including an <a href="https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327965pli0601_1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">evolutionary</a> perspective that women have adapted a special ability that make them better able to sense when things are off or going well in relationships.</p> <p>Another explanation relates to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0038038593027002003" target="_blank" rel="noopener">gender roles</a> and the idea that women serve the primary role in tending to relationships.</p> <p>The barometer hypothesis is captured by the popular saying “Happy wife, happy life,” but does the research support it?</p> <h2>Testing the truth</h2> <p><a href="https://carleton.ca/pair/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">As a professor of social psychology at Carleton University and researcher</a> who studies happiness in relationships, I was part of an international team of researchers led by University of Alberta professor of family science and couples researcher <a href="https://scholar.google.de/citations?user=3AJzUnEAAAAJ&amp;hl=en" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Matthew Johnson</a> that analyzed more than 50,000 relationship-satisfaction reports to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2209460119" target="_blank" rel="noopener">examine the validity of the old adage “happy wife, happy life.”</a></p> <p>More specifically, in one study, a team of us recruited over 900 mixed-gender couples from the community and tracked their relationship satisfaction on a daily basis over three weeks. In another study, over 3,000 mixed-gender couples were assessed annually across five years.</p> <p>More broadly, we found that changes in relationship satisfaction today were linked to how satisfied people felt down the road. In other words, if a person feels higher-than-usual relationship satisfaction, the feeling seems to carry over into the next day and year.</p> <p>We also found that men’s and women’s relationship satisfaction ratings were equally strong predictors of their own, and their partner’s, relationship satisfaction reported the next day and the next year. That is, women’s judgements were not uniquely predictive of the future state of the relationship; women’s and men’s current ratings of relationship satisfaction had similar predictive effects.</p> <h2>Satisfying relationships</h2> <p>People’s relationship satisfaction levels change over time. It is important for couples to reflect and be aware of how things are going in their relationship and take stock and act on it.</p> <p>For instance, if things are going well in the relationship, people should double down on that so they can reap more rewards into the future. So if a couple just had a fun date night, rather than take a break, the couple should be looking for more opportunities to bond together.</p> <p>On the other hand, if a relationship is not going well, for instance, arguments are frequently escalating or the spark has fizzled, it is time to make some changes to alter the course of the relationship satisfaction path.</p> <h2>‘Happy house, happy spouse’</h2> <p>Our results imply that maintaining a relationship is a shared responsibility. This underscores the idea that partners influence one another and jointly shape romantic relationship satisfaction.</p> <p>Taken together, a more fitting way to describe the role of gender and relationship satisfaction predictions is “happy spouse, happy house.”</p> <p><strong>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/happy-wife-happy-life-a-harmonious-relationship-is-the-responsibility-of-both-partners-191288" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>.</strong></p> <p><em>Image: Shutterstock</em></p>

Relationships

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Is your spouse micro-cheating? Here’s what that is and how to know

<h2>Micro-cheating is trending</h2> <p>Although cheating is as old as time, you might be surprised to learn that people are still coming up with creative new ways to do it. Enter micro-cheating, the latest way people are stepping out on their relationships – but they may not even realise what they’re doing. Thanks to the rise of digital technology and the impact of current events, it’s no surprise micro-cheating is mega-trending.</p> <h2>What is micro-cheating?</h2> <p>This phrase has been used recently to describe day-to-day actions that could be considered ‘inappropriate flirting’ when someone is in a relationship. The hallmark of micro-cheating is being emotionally and perhaps even physically focused on a person who isn’t your partner. “What is cheating?” is one of the questions sex therapists get asked the most. For a more detailed look, here’s what relationship experts say are some of the common ways people micro-cheat:</p> <ul> <li>Texting flirty jokes and memes</li> <li>Making a Tinder profile just to see how many matches/likes you get</li> <li>Putting extra effort into your appearance in case you run into your crush</li> <li>Google stalking a crush</li> <li>Lying about your relationship status, either in person or online</li> <li>Sending anonymous flirty messages, tweets, or posts</li> <li>Liking and/or commenting on a crush’s social media</li> <li>Discussing your sex life with someone who isn’t your partner</li> <li>Constantly texting throughout the day</li> <li>Sending ‘feelin’ cute’ or slightly revealing selfies to a crush</li> <li>Hiding a friendship</li> <li>Telling someone you’d date them if you/they weren’t married</li> <li>Having inside jokes that your partner isn’t a part of</li> <li>Inventing reasons to see or spend time with your crush</li> <li>Confiding emotionally intimate things in someone who’s not your partner</li> <li>Sexting, including graphic language and sending nudes</li> </ul> <h2>It’s a slippery slope</h2> <p>While these behaviours may seem innocent on the surface, micro-cheating takes harmless crushing to the next level and if left unchecked, can lead to a full-blown affair, says psychiatrist, Anisha Patel-Dunn. Even if it never turns physical, micro-cheating fits all the criteria for an emotional affair, and those can be even more damaging to your relationship, she says.</p> <p>“In many cases, physical cheating is an impulsive act, often as the result of being temporarily impaired from drinking,” she says. “On the other hand, emotional affairs are intentional, and require a series of increasingly intimate decisions over a period of time.” Both types of affairs are terrible (and they can happen together) but it’s often the emotional aspect that is the hardest to recover from because it was premeditated, she says.</p> <p>“It can feel easier to forgive a spouse for a one-night stand than for months of lying and deception,” she says.</p> <h2>Micro-cheating is real cheating</h2> <p>These behaviours can feel like a grey area. Things that are totally innocent when done between friends become cheating when one or both people get feelings for each other, says marriage therapist, Dr Caroline Madden. For instance, having lunch with an old friend is a great way to reconnect, but if you have always harboured a crush on this person, a solo lunch all-too-quickly can lead to flirting. In addition, different people have different comfort levels in a relationship; some things that you may consider micro-cheating, your best friend may take more seriously.</p> <p>When it comes to deciding if something is cheating, follow the Golden Rule principle. “Ask yourself, if you found out your partner was doing what you are about to do, would it hurt your feelings?” Madden says. “Transparency is everything. Any picture or text you send to a ‘friend’ should be able to be posted on social media or sent to your mother.”</p> <p>However, don’t get caught up in black-and-white definitions as that can be a way to rationalise bad behaviour, Madden says. Only you know your own feelings and motives and it’s important to be honest with yourself about them. What other people think is irrelevant; the only person whose opinion counts in this conversation is your partner’s, Madden says.</p> <p>“Bottom line, doing anything that your partner would have a problem with is cheating in your relationship. And, yes, this is in fact ‘real’ cheating. These behaviours are the beginning of the slippery slope that leads to a full-blown sexual affair,” she says. “This isn’t new, it just has been given a cutesy name to make it sound harmless. It isn’t.”</p> <h2>Why micro-cheating is on the rise</h2> <p>The pandemic and other disruptive current events have created a perfect storm for micro-cheating, Dr Patel-Dunn says. A lot of micro-cheating happens through digital means like social media and texting because it’s easier to hide or explain away than physical actions. And, thanks to working from home and lockdown orders, many of us are spending more time online than ever.</p> <p>It’s not just spending more time at home, though. The upheaval of normal life has cut people off from their social support groups and coping techniques. Plus, spending extra time together in a stressful situation has made a lot of people see flaws in their relationship, which can lead to increased fighting. There’s been plenty of time over the last few years to ruminate on problems and idealise other people who aren’t in the thick of it with you, she explains.</p> <p>“Since the pandemic started and many people are now working from home, I have many clients confide in me that they are surprised at how much they miss certain co-workers,” Madden says. “It turns out that the ‘special friend’ at the office was acting as a Band-Aid on a bad marriage by meeting their needs for respect, appreciation and emotional connection.” The extra time spent at home during the pandemic has made some people realise they are stuck in an empty marriage or toxic relationship, she says.</p> <p>“The core issue is that current events have greatly increased anxiety and insecurity, putting people in a very emotionally vulnerable position,” Dr Patel-Dunn explains. “It’s normal for people to look for comfort and support from friends and loved ones during these times and sometimes that can turn into cheating.”</p> <h2>Signs your spouse might be micro-cheating on you</h2> <p>It can be difficult to tell when your spouse is micro-cheating, specifically because many of these behaviours can be innocent in the right context. So it’s important to look at other behaviours that may indicate they’re being sneaky.</p> <h2>They always keep their phone face down</h2> <p>You can’t see notifications that pop up if your partner keeps their phone face down. Some micro-cheaters will go so far as to disguise texting apps as other apps or only chat within password-protected social media private messages, Madden says.</p> <h2>They delete whole text conversations</h2> <p>Are there whole text threads missing with someone you know your spouse texts regularly with? “If they are deleting stuff so you don’t accidentally see something, even if it has nothing to do with sex, that is still cheating,” Madden says. “There’s a reason they feel like they have to hide it and it’s not a good reason.”</p> <h2>They’re constantly on their phone during family time</h2> <p>If you ask your spouse to put the phone away so you can have uninterrupted time together, and they can’t, that’s a red flag, Dr Patel-Dunn says. It shows they prioritise that ‘friendship’ over your relationship.</p> <h2>They call someone ‘just a friend’ but spend more time talking to them than you</h2> <p>“People caught micro-cheating will almost always claim they are ‘just friends’ with the person you are worried about,” Madden says. “If the other person has feelings for them, they might not even be aware that they are on a slippery slope.” Pay more attention to what your spouse does than what they say.</p> <h2>They won’t share their phone passcode</h2> <p>There are plenty of reasons you need the passcode to your partner’s phone –­ like using it to look something up or answering the phone when their mum calls, Madden says. People who don’t have anything to hide won’t have an issue sharing their unlock code.</p> <h2>They like and comment on every single post a friend makes</h2> <p>This is definitely a thing that more and more couples fight about these days with everyone on social media. Liking and commenting on another person’s social media posts isn’t a definitive sign your partner is cheating but it can give you a lot of clues, Madden says. For instance, if your husband is liking all the bikini pics of the woman next door or your wife comments on every post her high school crush makes, it’s evidence they are spending a lot of time thinking about that person in a flirty way. Likes and comments often lead to private messages, she adds. Many people say that there were early warning signs on social media of cheating.</p> <h2>They have someone saved in their phone under the wrong name</h2> <p>Any time someone is lying, there’s a problem, Dr Patel-Dunn says. So if you notice that your spouse is constantly texting with someone whose name you don’t recognise, they’re either hiding their relationship with that person from you or they’ve saved someone you do know under a false name – often a name of the opposite gender, to throw off suspicion.</p> <h2>They swear they could never cheat and laugh at those who do</h2> <p>Some people think, either due to low self-esteem or an overestimation of their willpower, that cheating could never possibly be a temptation for them. “This is dangerous. Because he thinks he would never cheat, he feels free to get really close to the edge,” Madden says. “Then he falls off the cliff taking his marriage and your heart with him.”</p> <h2>Your sex life is dead</h2> <p>When your partner is getting their romantic and sexual needs met through another person, they naturally turn less to you, Dr Patel-Dunn says. This often manifests as a declining sex life and much less physical and emotional intimacy between you.”</p> <h2>What to do if your spouse is micro-cheating</h2> <p>“The best way to counteract and prevent micro-cheating is to work on strengthening your relationship,” Madden says. “Lean into the relationship, pay more attention to your partner, plan date nights. Because here is the truth: many people are tempted to cheat because they don’t feel appreciated or loved at home.”</p> <p>Oftentimes micro-cheating highlights what is lacking in your relationship, Dr Patel-Dunn says. “One or both partners may be surprised to realise micro-cheating is happening because it starts on a very subconscious level,” she says. “This is a real opportunity for introspection and communication. You need to talk about it and get it out in the open.”</p> <p>These conversations can be very difficult to have, particularly if your spouse is in denial about their micro-cheating, Dr Patel-Dunn says. In this case, it’s time to get marriage counselling immediately, before micro-cheating turns into something more devastating. “If both partners are committed to fixing the underlying issues, this type of emotional honesty can strengthen your relationship and fortify you against micro-cheating in the future.”</p> <p><strong>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/is-your-spouse-micro-cheating-heres-what-that-is-and-how-to-know?pages=1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Reader's Digest</a>.</strong></p> <p><em>Image: Shutterstock</em></p>

Relationships

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Reader’s Respond: How did you meet your spouse?

<p dir="ltr">We asked you to take a trip down memory lane to recall the moment you met your spouse and the responses are heartwarming.</p> <p dir="ltr">From meeting through friends or locking eyes on the dance floor (yes this actually happened), here are some of your stories.</p> <p dir="ltr"><strong>Carol Hoepper </strong>- Out with my mother and I defied her to go home with him! Proposed two weeks later and that was 48 years ago!</p> <p dir="ltr"><strong>Gwen Hendry</strong> - Met my husband in Canberra at the Canberra Rex Hotel. I was dancing with a good friend, he was also dancing and we looked at each other when he mouthed to me, “Can I have the next dance?” I nodded my head and six months later we were married and still together 55 years later. We still have a great love for each other.</p> <p dir="ltr"><strong>Annie O'Connor </strong>- My first marriage of 20 years broke down so I decided to get back into music and joined a band. He was the lead guitarist. Knew him for four years before we decided to go out. We were together for 28 years. Married for 15 years until he passed away 16 months ago. Miss him every day.</p> <p dir="ltr"><strong>Allyson Curtis</strong> - I was a trainee nurse and on this particular day I was discharging a patient in the foyer of the hospital. I noticed someone I knew in the foyer whose sister was a nurse at the hospital and he was wanting to speak to her. He was also going out with my other nurse friend. A good looking guy was with him in the foyer and I asked my nursing friend about the person who was with her friend, and apparently he had asked about me. A BBQ was arranged for us to meet. We were married 51 years ago. Sadly my husband passed away 9 years ago.</p> <p dir="ltr"><strong>Denise Davis</strong> - Two weeks into a working holiday in NZ I met my husband through my girlfriend who worked with him. Sadly he passed away 5 years ago not long before our 41st anniversary. My 12 months in NZ turned into 16 years before we moved back to Perth.</p> <p dir="ltr"><strong>Suzy Crem</strong> - We lived in the same block of flats as children.</p> <p dir="ltr"><strong>Annie Barry </strong>- Through a friend. Best thing that ever happened to me, I was blessed with 46 happy year's till death do us part.</p> <p dir="ltr"><em>Image: Shutterstock</em></p>

Relationships

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14 things you should never say to your spouse

<p>We’ve all said something to our mate that we regret – but toxic phrases can harm a relationship to the point of irreparable damage.</p> <p><strong>Don’t threaten divorce</strong></p> <p>When you threaten divorce, you may regret it later. “It shows that you’re not truly committed to the marriage lasting forever, making your spouse feel rejected and preventing them from feeling safe loving you,” says Tracey Steinberg, author of <em>Flirt For Fun &amp; Meet THE One</em>. But once it’s been said, the damage has been done to your marriage, even if it’s an idle threat. You’re telling your partner that you have one foot out the door. And it will eventually take its toll on him or her. “Divorce is never something to be expressed unless you’ve explored every avenue of making it work together,” says Antonia Hall, MA, a psychologist and relationship expert. “Just the mention of it in jest can cause serious hurt and doubt in someone’s mind and serious damage to the relationship.”</p> <p><strong>Don’t call him or her a liar</strong></p> <p>“Trust is imperative for a successful relationship,” says Hall. If you suspect he’s being untruthful, telling him straight out that you don’t believe him will usually backfire. Instead, say, “I’m having trouble believing you’re telling me the entire story.” It’s less inflammatory and accusatory. Focus on asking questions about a particular incident to fully open the lines of communication. “The idea is to listen rather than fire off harsh statements,” says Stacey Laura Lloyd, the Dating Expert for about.com. “By gathering all the facts first, you’ll be in a much better position to understand your spouse’s behaviour and then react appropriately.”</p> <p><strong>Don’t tell them how to react to something</strong></p> <p>In the same vein are also “Calm down,” “Don’t get so defensive,” and “You’re being too sensitive.” Sometimes people make comments like these to stop their partner from being so upset – but it can make the person feel like their emotions aren’t justified, valid, or being heard. “You want your partner to feel safe showing and voicing their vulnerability without fear of judgment,” says Laurel House, a dating and empowerment coach. So, they may get even more mad. “If your intent is to make them less upset and agitated, you’ll have the exact opposite outcome,” says Lloyd. “These phrases are perceived as demeaning directives that belittle and degrade your partner.” And they’ll respond with anger, volatility and hostility. “Rather than telling them how to feel and react to the matter at hand, you’ll be better able to resolve things by letting them vent and listening carefully to what they’re saying,” Lloyd says.</p> <p><strong>Don’t be passive aggressive</strong></p> <p>It’s likely obvious that something is wrong. So, when you say “nothing,” you’re being passive aggressive, and you make it seem like you’re afraid of bringing up something that could start a fight. That’s why you’re encouraging your partner to start one for you. “Fighting can be a healthy part of a long-term relationship,” says Andrea Syrtash, a relationship expert and author of <em>Cheat on Your Husband (with Your Husband): How to Date Your Spouse</em>. “It’s not that you fight but how you fight. Don’t worry about disagreeing or not being on the same page,” says Syrtash. “When you communicate through your differences – and actually hear each other – you’re likely to make breakthroughs and/or find common ground.” But when you avoid fighting, the issue is likely to worsen. “Being able to communicate your feelings is the only way to work through the inevitable conflicts between you and your sweetheart,” says Hall. “Acting like nothing is wrong is a lose-lose situation that will lead to frustration and could easily escalate the issue at hand.” Instead, sit down and talk it out as calmly and respectfully as possible.</p> <p><strong>Don’t dismiss feelings</strong></p> <p>When you say “whatever,” it can make your mate feel like you’re minimising and dismissing their feelings. “There’s nothing positive or upbeat about saying ‘Whatever,’” says relationship expert and coach Julie Spira. “It usually comes with the tone of a disgruntled spouse.” Men, in particular, are programmed to please and be the hero, says Spira. So, when they’re asked ‘What’s wrong?’ it can catch a man off-guard, especially if he thinks he’s been keeping you happy, she says. “The best thing you can do if he responds with nothing is just smile,” says Spira. “Whatever problems were brewing just might dissipate with a smile and hug. When he’s ready to talk, he’ll let you know.”</p> <p><strong>Don’t speak in absolutes</strong></p> <p>“You’re always late.” “You never put away the laundry.” When you use these phrases, they’re rarely truthful or productive, and always hurtful. You’re telling your partner that they can never do anything right and that you don’t think they can change. “When you say these words, you’re essentially making a character assassination,” says Syrtash. Studies show that when you put your partner’s character down, you’re even more likely to head for divorce. Next time, Steinberg says, “Sweetly ask for exactly what you want and tell them how happy it would make you.” You might say, “Sweetheart, it would make me so happy if you pick up your socks from next to the bed in the mornings.”</p> <p><strong>Don’t test their love</strong></p> <p>“When you start a sentence this way, you’re putting your partner on the defence,” says Syrtash. “This is a passive-aggressive way to communicate your needs.” Your partner shouldn’t feel pressured to do something to prove their love or that they don’t want to do. “You’re testing your partner when you say things like this,” says Syrtash. “Your partner shouldn’t feel like they’re on trial to prove their love.” Instead, make a request in a non-confrontational and direct way. “Approach your parter authentically, and in a way that connects you, rather in a way that creates a divide,” says Hall. You might say, “I miss spending time with you, and I’d like to go out to dinner this weekend.” That phrasing will likely get you what you want.</p> <p><strong>Don’t insult their career</strong></p> <p>When you’re in a relationship, you shouldn’t have to earn respect. Rather, it should be given unconditionally. That’s why you’re being offensive and insulting when you say comments like “I’m going to do it anyway; I don’t care what you say” or “You look like you’ve put on a few kilos.” Your partner thinks you’re saying they’re not good enough. “You don’t want to belittle, put down or marginalise your partner,” says House. “You’ll be initiating insecurity, defensiveness, resentment and anger. You’re cracking the foundation and those cracks go deep and can be hard to repair.”</p> <p><strong>Don’t make them feel dumb</strong></p> <p>This is a classic example of something you shouldn’t say, pretty much ever. No one likes to be told they’re dumb or feel belittled. “The unspoken and unwelcome message is that you’re smarter than your partner,” says Lloyd. “This type of comment does nothing to remedy the situation at hand.” When things go how you predicted rather than how your spouse expected, they are more than aware of the outcome, says Lloyd. And they don’t need to be reminded.</p> <p><strong>Don’t be overly sarcastic</strong></p> <p>“The dishwasher won’t get unpacked on its own.” “Do I look like a babysitter?” Words of sarcasm may seem harmless at first, but they can be used to dig at your partner and communicate that you’ve been frustrated by an unmet expectation. “Sarcastic comments that put your partner down will erode the relationship and are likely to leave your partner feeling frustrated,” says Hall. She suggests that you deal with the issue from a loving and genuine place, which is more likely to be heard by your partner.</p> <p><strong>Don’t be their biggest critic</strong></p> <p>“While ‘stupid’ isn’t a curse word, it’s hurtful,” says April Masini, a relationship and etiquette expert and author. “It’s often worse than any other word.” The same goes for “What’s wrong with you?” “What kind of father/mother does that?” or “That’s an awful idea.” Your partner wants you to be his cheerleader, not feel like you’re on different teams or that you don’t believe in him. You shouldn’t be his biggest critic, but rather, his biggest fan. “Supporting your partner is an essential part of a happy, healthy and successful relationship,” says Hall. “Unsupportive phrases will wear on your partner’s self-esteem, and ultimately, the relationship. Show you care about your partner, and they’ll be far more likely to want to be supportive and caring back.”</p> <p><strong>Don’t overuse “I” statements</strong></p> <p>When you care more about yourself than your spouse, you often start sentences with “I.” “I want that pair of shoes.” “Just get it done; I don’t care what happens along the way.” Instead of it being about your partner, it’s all about you. And your partner may even fear that you’re going to cheat on him or her. “If you tell him that he can’t meet your needs, he may assume that you’ll find someone who will,” says House. “That’s initiating and instilling insecurity and jealousy. Name calling and threats are unhealthy and hard to forget.”</p> <p>Remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader, says Samantha Burns, a relationship counsellor, dating coach and author of the ebook <em>Love Successfully: 10 Secrets You Need to Know Right Now</em>.</p> <p>“So if you’re feeling dissatisfied in your relationship, it’s important to address your needs in a calm, non-blaming way,” says Burns. “As soon as your partner processes something as a complaint, they’re more likely to shut down since they may feel that no matter how hard they try, it’s never good enough.”</p> <p>She suggests trying a ‘compliment sandwich,’ where you praise your partner for the effort they’re putting in currently or have given in the past; then tell them specifically what could be improved or what you need from them; and end with another positive compliment.</p> <p>You might say, “I really appreciated that last week you came home early from work. What I really need is more quality time with you during the weeknights so that I feel more connected to you. When you carve out time to give me your undivided attention, I feel so loved.”</p> <p><strong>Don’t bring up your ex</strong></p> <p>When you’re angry or disappointed in your partner, it’s easy to start making comparisons. “Never compare your current spouse to any prior relationships,” says Mike Goldstein, founder and lead dating coach of EZ Dating Coach. “If the relationship was so amazing with your ex, you’d probably still be with that person.” Focus on constructive conversation instead, saying something like, “You’d make me really happy if you did XYZ.” And you’re more likely to get your needs met when you keep your ex out of the equation. “In this moment of dissatisfaction, you’re minimising the things that you adore and cherish about your partner and maximising an idealised version of your ex,” Burns says.</p> <p><strong>Don’t make disparaging statements about their family</strong></p> <p>You may despise your mother-in-law. “But never touch that one unless you want big trouble,” says Masini. “There is no defence that your partner can offer that will offset your insult.” Only speak of her in respectful terms and frame any concerns in the context of wanting to be helpful (“Her house is always so cold – do you think we should look into problems with the heat?”). The same goes for your partner’s children from prior relationships, no matter how offensive you find them, says Masini. Otherwise, expect major backlash.</p> <p><em>Written by Stacey Feintuch. This article first appeared in </em><span><a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/14-things-you-should-never-say-to-your-spouse"><em>Reader’s Digest</em></a><em>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><a href="http://readersdigest.innovations.com.au/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&amp;utm_medium=articles&amp;utm_campaign=RDSUB&amp;keycode=WRA93V"><em>here’s our best subscription offer.</em></a></span></p> <p><img style="width: 100px !important; height: 100px !important;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7820640/1.png" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/f30947086c8e47b89cb076eb5bb9b3e2" /></p>

Relationships

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Is it adultery if my spouse doesn't know who I am anymore?

<p>In Zoomer magazine’s September 2017 issue, there was an <a href="https://www.pressreader.com/canada/zoomer-magazine/20170904/281552290980041">enlightening article</a> written by <a href="http://siloamunitedchurch.org/meet-our-staff/">Rev. Dr. Sheila Macgregor</a> addressing contemporary issues that have emerged as a result of what’s become known as the longevity revolution.</p> <p>Advancements in health care and technology have resulted in longer lifespans. Milestone events now include encore careers, second and even third marriages, and birthday celebrations for 100-year-olds. In fact, in 2016, <a href="http://www12.statcan.gc.ca/census-recensement/2016/as-sa/98-200-x/2016004/98-200-x2016004-eng.cfm">there were more than 8,000 100-year-olds alive in Canada,</a> according to the most recent Census data.</p> <p>While there is much to be celebrated, it’s also a good time to pause and re-examine old traditions in light of new realities. That was part of Rev. Macgregor’s powerful message. Macgregor draws upon the work of <a href="http://jewishsacredaging.com/about-us-2/rabbi-richard-f-address-d-min/">Rabbi Richard Address</a>, the director of <a href="http://jewishsacredaging.com/"><em>Jewish Sacred Aging</em></a>, a forum that enables the Jewish community to discuss modern-day issues relating to the aging Baby Boomer generation.</p> <p>For instance, Address asks, is it still adultery if you enter into a new relationship when your spouse doesn’t know who you are anymore?</p> <p>That’s an important question in an age in which <a href="http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs362/en/">47 million people</a> worldwide are living with dementia. But the figures don’t include family members who are directly affected by the disease.</p> <p>Rabbi Address’s question necessitates that we examine the day-to-day realities of those caring for spouses with dementia and Alzheimer’s.</p> <p><strong>Spouses care for most people with dementia</strong></p> <p>Research from the United States indicates that approximately <a href="https://www.alz.org/documents_custom/public-health/2009-2010-combined-caregiving.pdf">70 per cent of people suffering from Alzheimer’s</a> are cared for by their spouses. And while many report <a href="http://www.apa.org/pi/about/publications/caregivers/faq/positive-aspects.aspx">benefits</a> associated with the experience, such as greater meaning and purpose in life, and a closer bond and attachment with the cared for individual, this population also faces negative psycho-social consequences that include loneliness and isolation.</p> <p>And as Dr. <a href="http://www.johncacioppo.com/">John Cacioppo</a>, one of the world’s most eminent authorities on the topic, explains, humans do not fare well when they live solitary lives. In fact, <a href="https://theconversation.com/loneliness-could-kill-you-87217">loneliness can kill you</a>.</p> <p>The demands and responsibilities imposed by the caregiver role leave little time, if any at all, for social interaction. And the constant care and concern for one’s beloved can occupy prime real estate in the mind of the caregiver.</p> <p>The <a href="https://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/75-006-x/2013001/article/11858-eng.htm">negative cognitive and physical consequences</a> are plentiful and include illness, injury, depression, anxiety, financial difficulties and disruptions in employment. Moreover, as cognitive and physical abilities diminish, the demands on the caregiver increase.</p> <p>Imagine for a moment that while a caregiver is attending to the needs of her loved one during a hospital visit, doctor’s office, or pharmacy run, she meets another person who is experiencing similar challenges.</p> <p>The two start to develop a relationship. When time permits, they share brief phone calls, text messages and an occasional meal. Their friendship provides refuge in a chaotic, isolating and lonely world. Their encounters, no matter how short, are reminiscent of a time when her husband recognized her, conversations were reciprocal and they enjoyed leisurely pursuits and pastimes together.</p> <p><strong>Mitigate loneliness</strong></p> <p>Extramarital affairs that begin during a partner’s debilitating illness or terminal disease are referred to as <a href="https://www.caring.com/blogs/fyi-daily/are-well-spouse-affairs-different-from-others">“well spouse affairs.”</a></p> <p>Relational expert <a href="http://www.michaelbatshaw.com/index.html">Dr. Michael Batshaw</a> believes that such affairs can mitigate the loneliness and isolation associated with caregiving, and thus prevent caregiver burnout.</p> <p>Batshaw explains that people who normally would not engage in infidelity may do so while a caregiver, because often what prevents us from being unfaithful is the hope that our relationship will change and improve. Under these circumstances, however, the caregivers know their relationships will never get better, and realize that their needs can no longer be fulfilled by their spouse.</p> <p>But such affairs are not without their costs.</p> <p>Infidelity by its very nature is replete with guilt, as is caregiving. Taking time off to exercise or see friends often ignites feelings of guilt for being away from a loved one. Add infidelity to the mix, and you’re likely to spend much of your time engaged in hellish emotional turmoil.</p> <p>Although you want to be the devoted and faithful spouse, motivated by obligation, love or societal norms, you are also physically and emotionally exhausted, feeling lonely and isolated and want out.</p> <p>Would a spouse really want his beloved to live such an existence? And what exactly does “until death do us part” mean? Is it when we physically take our last breath, or when we no longer exist as we have for decades in our marriages, recognize our partners or actively participate in our relationships?</p> <p>These questions are incredibly personal and, for some, deeply religious. However, it’s incumbent upon us to move beyond the ethical considerations of the issue and focus on the human struggles associated with the realities of living longer lives.</p> <p>I suspect that’s why Rabbi Address recommends that couples discuss this issue long before debilitating diseases strike. Such conversations are difficult, but they may in fact be the final act of love and kindness that you can bestow upon your loved one.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/87441/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: http://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em>Written by <span>Gillian Leithman, Assistant Professor, Department of Management, Aging, Retirement, and Knowledge Management Researcher, Concordia University</span>. Republished with permission of </em><a href="https://theconversation.com/is-it-adultery-if-my-spouse-doesnt-know-who-i-am-anymore-87441"><em>The Conversation</em></a><em>. </em></p>

Relationships

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My spouse has the first signs of dementia. What do I do?

<p><strong><em>Marissa Sandler is the CEO and co-founder of <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.careseekers.com.au/" target="_blank">Careseekers</a></span>. Previously a social justice lawyer and researcher for over 15 years, Marissa is passionate about helping people live with dignity and finding innovative solutions to problems.</em></strong></p> <p>Some of the very early signs of dementia may be normal signs of ageing, busy lives or mistakes that we can all so easily make. So how do you know when something is a ‘senior’s moment’, distraction, a simple mistake or something more serious? And if it is more serious, many of the symptoms of dementia are also symptoms of other conditions such as depression, stroke, brain tumours, alcoholism or nutritional deficiencies. So how do you know if it is dementia?</p> <p>Anna’s husband Rob* has dementia, which is getting progressively worse. She remembers when the signs first started. “Rob is significantly older than me and we always used to joke about him having ‘senior’s moment’s when he misplaced things or forgot someone’s name. These moments were increasing but I didn’t get too concerned until there were other signs. He started forgetting where places were, places that were really familiar to him, being disoriented around days and what he was doing at a point in time. He became very anxious if I wasn’t around,” she said.</p> <p>According to <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.fightdementia.org.au/" target="_blank">Alzheimer’s Australia</a></strong></span>, consulting a doctor is critical if someone is displaying the first signs of dementia. A complete medical and psychological assessment may confirm dementia, or identify a different condition. This may result in early treatment of a different condition, or early support for dementia.</p> <p><strong>Start with your GP</strong></p> <p>Your spouse’s GP, or if they don’t have one, the family GP is the best starting point. They will be able to make referrals for assessments or to relevant specialists including neurologists.</p> <p>A person experiencing the symptoms of dementia may be in denial or resistant to finding out what is going on. This may be due to fear, or actually a symptom of the brain related changes caused by dementia that mean the person does not recognise that they are having memory problems.</p> <p>For these reasons it can be difficult getting a person with dementia to visit a GP.</p> <p>Tip: Find a reason relating to the person’s physical health to visit the doctor. Either make it about a problem they are willing to acknowledge e.g. headaches or for a general examination to check things like blood pressure.</p> <p>If the person is feeling anxious about visiting the doctor, be calm. caring and reassuring. The worry of a dementia diagnosis may be a very real fear for them. No doubt you have your own fears around this too. If possible, make sure you have your own supports in place through the diagnostic process.</p> <p><strong>The medical assessments you can expect</strong></p> <p>There is no one test to diagnose dementia however a doctor can be 80-90 per cent accurate in their diagnosis if a full assessment is done. Such an assessment may include:</p> <ul> <li>Blood and urine tests for a variety of illness that may be responsible for the symptoms.</li> <li>Neuropsychological tests to identify abilities and problem areas e.g. comprehension, insight, judgment.</li> <li>Psychiatric assessment to identify disorders which can mimic dementia e.g. depression, anxiety.</li> <li>Other specialised tests including chest x-rays, CT scans, ECGs.</li> </ul> <p>Tip: Include the person being assessed in the diagnostic process – use plain English, always be sensitive to their concerns and always tell the truth.</p> <p><strong>If it is dementia…</strong></p> <p>The benefit of an early stage diagnosis is that you can involve the person experiencing the dementia in the decision making and any legal, safety and long term plans that will need to be made.</p> <p>Get support. The road ahead may be long and challenging emotionally and perhaps physically too. Watching your spouse change and dealing with the fall out from these changes may fall heavily on you. If possible, rely on family and friends for support and to share the load. A service like Careseekers can provide you with affordable in-home assistance, giving you an hour or two of respite or putting in place longer term care if necessary. There are also support groups you can tap into. Visit <strong><a href="https://nsw.fightdementia.org.au/nsw/support-and-services/services-and-programs-we-provide/support-groups" target="_blank">Alzheimer’s Australia</a></strong> for more information. </p> <p>* Names have been changed to protect privacy.</p> <p><strong>Related links:</strong></p> <p><a href="/health/caring/2016/10/driving-with-dementia/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>Driving with dementia</strong></em></span></a></p> <p><a href="/health/caring/2016/09/nurse-or-care-worker-what-we-need/"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em>Nurse or care worker: What do we need?</em></span></strong></a></p> <p><a href="/health/caring/2016/09/how-to-get-the-best-hospital-care/"><strong><em><span style="text-decoration: underline;">How to get the best hospital care</span></em></strong></a></p>

Caring

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A guide to super and spouses

<p>Help boost your partner’s super with one of these strategies. Here’s what you need to know.</p><p>Have you heard of terms such as “super splitting,” “spouse contributions” or “super contribution splitting”? All of these phrases may sound like they’re describing the same thing, but they’re not. Sharing your superannuation with your partner can be beneficial to both of you but before you deposit a lump sum in their fund, you need to be aware of a couple of different strategies, which sound very similar.</p><p>Super splitting is when funds are transferred from your super account into your spouse’s account. On the other hand, a spouse contribution is contributing funds into your partner’s account with super funds that aren’t already held in super. Both involve allocating some retirement savings into your spouse’s super.</p><p><em><span>Related link:&nbsp;<a href="/superannuation/super/2014/06/great-news-for-retirees-and-super!.aspx" target="_blank">Learn about the recent changes to super concessional contributions</a></span></em></p><p>This can perhaps be more common for a male partner to contribute into their wife’s super fund, since women generally have much less superannuation than men due to a number of reasons, such as taking time out of the workforce to raise a family.</p><p>Will Chapman, a financial planner with South Australian-firm&nbsp;<a href="http://www.goldsborough.com.au/" target="_blank">Goldsborough Financial Services</a>, says each strategy has the benefit of growing your spouse’s super. This can help if your partner is older and can therefore access their super earlier, or if they want to have risk insurance premiums paid for from their super rather than meeting this expense from their ordinary cash flow. “Any investment returns for funds in super may then be taxed at a lower ongoing rate than a person’s income threshold,” he says.</p><p>Mr Chapman adds that super splitting can also utilise two “low rate caps” (one per person) for lump sum taxable withdrawals from super, which can significantly save on tax. For spousal contributions, a person can access a tax offset of up to $540 per year, which also saves on tax. While each strategy effectively involves putting funds into your spouse’s super, there are different rules for each. Here’s a guide to what you need to know.</p><p><strong>Spouse contribution</strong><br>A spouse contribution is an after-tax payment that can be allocated to a complying super fund held in your spouse’s name. Basically, you’re putting money into your partner’s super and not your own.</p><p>When making a contribution into your partner’s fund, they’ll need to be both eligible to receive super and 64 or younger. Once your spouse turns 65, they’ll need to meet a work test (having worked at least 40 hours in 30 consecutive days) to have voluntary contributions put into their fund.</p><p>On top of boosting your partner’s super, you can get benefits too. If your husband or wife is a low income earner or doesn’t work, you can get a tax rebate of up to $540 a year for contributions you have made on their behalf. When it comes to the eligibility of the tax offset, your partner will need to have an assessable income lower than $13,800 per year.</p><p><strong>Super splitting</strong><br>Super splitting refers to transferring some of your existing super into your spouse’s super fund. Again, you’re putting money into your partner’s super fund, but this time the money is coming from your own super account.</p><p>This strategy allows a person to split their concessional contributions received within a financial year with their spouse, providing a way to equalise the amount saved for retirement between a couple. It’s a good way to help your partner’s super grow and potentially reduce the amount of tax you might pay.</p><p>“Super splitting will allow up to 85 per cent of the contribution made into your super fund to be split with your eligible spouse (below the age limit and not retired) and is applied for each financial year (for the contributions made in the year before),” Mr Chapman says. “Those contributions can include employer contributions and personal ones as well.”</p><p><strong>What to consider</strong><br>Whether it’s for tax reasons, cash flow or estate planning, these strategies can be applied to a broad range of people and their personal circumstances. When you’re looking at using one of the strategies to help boost your partner’s super, keep in mind that by making contributions or changing your super you may also be locking access to funds inadvertently. Before making any decision, seek professional financial advice to see if the strategy you’re looking at is right for you.</p>

Retirement Income

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A guide to super and spouses

<p>Help boost your partner’s super with one of these strategies. Here’s what you need to know.</p><p>Have you heard of terms such as “super splitting,” “spouse contributions” or “super contribution splitting”? All of these phrases may sound like they’re describing the same thing, but they’re not. Sharing your superannuation with your partner can be beneficial to both of you but before you deposit a lump sum in their fund, you need to be aware of a couple of different strategies, which sound very similar.</p><p>Super splitting is when funds are transferred from your super account into your spouse’s account. On the other hand, a spouse contribution is contributing funds into your partner’s account with super funds that aren’t already held in super. Both involve allocating some retirement savings into your spouse’s super.</p><p><em><span>Related link:&nbsp;<a href="/superannuation/super/2014/06/great-news-for-retirees-and-super!.aspx" target="_blank">Learn about the recent changes to super concessional contributions</a></span></em></p><p>This can perhaps be more common for a male partner to contribute into their wife’s super fund, since women generally have much less superannuation than men due to a number of reasons, such as taking time out of the workforce to raise a family.</p><p>Will Chapman, a financial planner with South Australian-firm&nbsp;<a href="http://www.goldsborough.com.au/" target="_blank">Goldsborough Financial Services</a>, says each strategy has the benefit of growing your spouse’s super. This can help if your partner is older and can therefore access their super earlier, or if they want to have risk insurance premiums paid for from their super rather than meeting this expense from their ordinary cash flow. “Any investment returns for funds in super may then be taxed at a lower ongoing rate than a person’s income threshold,” he says.</p><p>Mr Chapman adds that super splitting can also utilise two “low rate caps” (one per person) for lump sum taxable withdrawals from super, which can significantly save on tax. For spousal contributions, a person can access a tax offset of up to $540 per year, which also saves on tax. While each strategy effectively involves putting funds into your spouse’s super, there are different rules for each. Here’s a guide to what you need to know.</p><p><strong>Spouse contribution</strong><br>A spouse contribution is an after-tax payment that can be allocated to a complying super fund held in your spouse’s name. Basically, you’re putting money into your partner’s super and not your own.</p><p>When making a contribution into your partner’s fund, they’ll need to be both eligible to receive super and 64 or younger. Once your spouse turns 65, they’ll need to meet a work test (having worked at least 40 hours in 30 consecutive days) to have voluntary contributions put into their fund.</p><p>On top of boosting your partner’s super, you can get benefits too. If your husband or wife is a low income earner or doesn’t work, you can get a tax rebate of up to $540 a year for contributions you have made on their behalf. When it comes to the eligibility of the tax offset, your partner will need to have an assessable income lower than $13,800 per year.</p><p><strong>Super splitting</strong><br>Super splitting refers to transferring some of your existing super into your spouse’s super fund. Again, you’re putting money into your partner’s super fund, but this time the money is coming from your own super account.</p><p>This strategy allows a person to split their concessional contributions received within a financial year with their spouse, providing a way to equalise the amount saved for retirement between a couple. It’s a good way to help your partner’s super grow and potentially reduce the amount of tax you might pay.</p><p>“Super splitting will allow up to 85 per cent of the contribution made into your super fund to be split with your eligible spouse (below the age limit and not retired) and is applied for each financial year (for the contributions made in the year before),” Mr Chapman says. “Those contributions can include employer contributions and personal ones as well.”</p><p><strong>What to consider</strong><br>Whether it’s for tax reasons, cash flow or estate planning, these strategies can be applied to a broad range of people and their personal circumstances. When you’re looking at using one of the strategies to help boost your partner’s super, keep in mind that by making contributions or changing your super you may also be locking access to funds inadvertently. Before making any decision, seek professional financial advice to see if the strategy you’re looking at is right for you.</p>

Retirement Income

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Ask an expert - Transferring super into allocated pension accounts

<p>Can moving superannuation into a pension account affect a spouse’s age pension?</p><p><strong>QUESTION</strong><br><em>Robyn, 61, from South Australia, asks:</em></p><p>I am retired and have a super account which I understand pays 15 cents in the dollar tax. If I transfer it into an allocated pension account, therefore not paying the 15 cents tax, will it affect my husband’s Centrelink age pension?</p><p><strong><img width="130" height="162" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/1321/joshua-stega-2-resized_130x162.jpg" alt="Joshua Stega 2-resized" style="float: left;">ANSWER</strong><br><em>Joshua Stega, director of Sydney-based boutique wealth management firm, <a href="http://www.jaswealth.com.au/" target="_blank">Jas Wealth</a>, replies:<br></em></p><p>Hi Robyn,<br>This is a really good question. You are considering commencing a pension from your current superannuation fund, which you correctly point out, will change the tax rate in super from 15 per cent to nil.</p><p>Centrelink uses two tests to work out the amount of age pension you are entitled to – the income test and the assets test.</p><p>From an assets test point of view, your superannuation balance will be counted towards your husband’s pension amount once you reach age pension age. This is where you are currently positioned. &nbsp;</p><p>From an income test perspective, once you start drawing a pension from super it will be assessable by Centrelink. In order to calculate the amount, Centrelink uses a defined formula which takes into account factors such as your super balance and life expectancy.</p><p>It is worth noting that from January 1, 2015, the income test treatment of income streams will change, so I would advise you to consider the best position for you prior to this date.</p><p>From here I would recommend you contact Centrelink’s Financial Information Service on 132 300. The Financial Information Service is a free, confidential service that provides education and information on financial and lifestyle issues to all Australians.</p><p><strong><em>If you have a question on money or superannuation you would like a financial adviser to answer, please email <a href="mailto:contribute@oversixty.com.au" target="_blank">contribute@oversixty.com.au</a></em></strong></p>

Retirement Income

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Ask an expert - Transferring super into allocated pension accounts

<p>Can moving superannuation into a pension account affect a spouse’s age pension?</p><p><strong>QUESTION</strong><br><em>Robyn, 61, from South Australia, asks:</em></p><p>I am retired and have a super account which I understand pays 15 cents in the dollar tax. If I transfer it into an allocated pension account, therefore not paying the 15 cents tax, will it affect my husband’s Centrelink age pension?</p><p><strong><img width="130" height="162" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/1321/joshua-stega-2-resized_130x162.jpg" alt="Joshua Stega 2-resized" style="float: left;">ANSWER</strong><br><em>Joshua Stega, director of Sydney-based boutique wealth management firm, <a href="http://www.jaswealth.com.au/" target="_blank">Jas Wealth</a>, replies:<br></em></p><p>Hi Robyn,<br>This is a really good question. You are considering commencing a pension from your current superannuation fund, which you correctly point out, will change the tax rate in super from 15 per cent to nil.</p><p>Centrelink uses two tests to work out the amount of age pension you are entitled to – the income test and the assets test.</p><p>From an assets test point of view, your superannuation balance will be counted towards your husband’s pension amount once you reach age pension age. This is where you are currently positioned. &nbsp;</p><p>From an income test perspective, once you start drawing a pension from super it will be assessable by Centrelink. In order to calculate the amount, Centrelink uses a defined formula which takes into account factors such as your super balance and life expectancy.</p><p>It is worth noting that from January 1, 2015, the income test treatment of income streams will change, so I would advise you to consider the best position for you prior to this date.</p><p>From here I would recommend you contact Centrelink’s Financial Information Service on 132 300. The Financial Information Service is a free, confidential service that provides education and information on financial and lifestyle issues to all Australians.</p><p><strong><em>If you have a question on money or superannuation you would like a financial adviser to answer, please email <a href="mailto:contribute@oversixty.com.au" target="_blank">contribute@oversixty.com.au</a></em></strong></p>

Retirement Income

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