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When a baby is stillborn, grandparents are hit with ‘two lots of grief’. Here’s how we can help

<div class="theconversation-article-body"><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jane-lockton-811825">Jane Lockton</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/clemence-due-100240">Clemence Due</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a>, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/melissa-oxlad-811406">Melissa Oxlad</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a></em></p> <p><a href="https://www.stillbirthcre.org.au/resources/stillbirth-facts/">Six babies</a> are stillborn every day in Australia. This significant loss <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1744165X12001023">affects parents</a> for years to come, often the rest of their lives. However, stillbirth also affects many others, including grandparents.</p> <p>But until now, we have not heard the experiences of grandparents whose grandchildren are stillborn. Their grief was rarely acknowledged and there are few supports tailored to them.</p> <p>Our recently published <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/31387781">research</a> is the first in the world to specifically look at grandmothers’ experience of stillbirth and the support they need.</p> <p>In Australia, a baby <a href="https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0037109">is defined as</a> stillborn when it dies in the womb from 20 weeks’ gestation, or weighs more than 400 grams. Other countries have slightly different definitions.</p> <p><a href="https://www.stillbirthcre.org.au/resources/stillbirth-facts/">About 2,200</a> babies are stillborn each year here meaning stillbirth may be more common than many people think. And people <a href="https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(11)60107-4/fulltext">don’t tend to talk</a> about this openly despite it leading to significant grief.</p> <p>To explore grandparents’ experience of stillbirth, we interviewed 14 grandmothers for our initial study, and a further 23 grandmothers and grandfathers since then.</p> <p>Many grandparents were not aware stillbirth was a risk today. Most felt unprepared. Like parents, grandparents experienced grief like no other after their grandchild was stillborn.</p> <p>Rose said: "The grief is always there, it never leaves you […] I don’t know why but sometimes it is still very raw."</p> <p>Sally said: "I [would do] anything in my power to take it away, even if it meant, you know, something dreadful happening to me, I would have done it."</p> <p>Grandparents also spoke of anticipating the arrival of their grandchild, and disbelief at their loss.</p> <p>Donna said: "It was as bad as it could be and […] I thought it just couldn’t be real, it couldn’t be real."</p> <p>Where grandparents lived a long way from their child, the loss was even more profound. Distance prevented them from holding their grandchild after birth, attending memorials, or helping their own children.</p> <p>Iris said: "I still miss her now […] When she was born and they had her in the hospital they would text me and say you know she’s got hair like her daddy […] and they would describe her and how beautiful she was, and that’s all they have, you know […] that’s all I have really."</p> <p>Grandparents said they wanted to hide their grief to protect their child from pain. This often made them isolated. Their relationships with family members often changed.</p> <p>Mary said: "It’s like two lots of grief […] but I don’t want it to sound like it’s as bad as my daughter’s loss. It’s different, it’s a different grief, because you’re grieving the loss of a grandchild, and you’re also grieving for your daughter and her loss and it’s like yeah you’ve been kicked in the guts twice instead of once."</p> <h2>What grandparents wanted</h2> <p>Grandparents stressed the importance and ongoing value of being involved in “memory making” and spending time with their stillborn grandchild where possible.</p> <p>Creating mementos, such as taking photos and making footprints and hand prints, were all important ways of expressing their grief. These mementos kept the baby “alive” in the family. They were also a way to ensure their own child knew the baby was loved and remembered.</p> <p>Our research also identified better ways to support grandparents. Grandparents said that if they knew more about stillbirth, they would be more confident in knowing how to help support their children. And if people were more aware of grandparents’ grief, and acknowledged their loss, this would make it easier for them to get support themselves, and reduce feelings of isolation.</p> <p>Our research also found families can recognise that grandparents grieve too, for both their child and grandchild. Grandparents can be encouraged to seek support from other family and friends. Families could also encourage grandparents to seek support from professionals if needed.</p> <p>In hospitals, midwives can adopt some simple, time efficient strategies, with a big impact on grandparents. With parent consent, midwives could include grandparents in memory making activities.</p> <p>By acknowledging the connection grandparents have to the baby, midwives can validate the grief that they experience. In recognising the supportive role of grandparents, midwives can also provide early guidance about how best to support their child.</p> <p>Hospitals can help by including grandparents in the education provided after stillbirth. This might include guidance about support for their child, or simply providing grandparents with written resources and guiding them to appropriate supports.</p> <p>In time, development of peer support programs, where grandparents support others in similar situations, could help.</p> <p>And, as a community, we can support grandparents the same way they support their own children. We can be there, listen and learn.</p> <hr /> <p><em>All grandparents’ names in this article are pseudonyms.</em></p> <p><em>If this article raises issues for you or someone you know, contact <a href="http://www.sands.org.au">Sands</a> (stillbirth and newborn death support) on 1300 072 637. Sands also has <a href="https://www.sands.org.au/images/sands-creative/brochures/127517-For-Grandparents-Brochure.pdf">written information specifically for grandparents</a> of stillborn babies.</em><!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/122313/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jane-lockton-811825">Jane Lockton</a>, PhD Candidate (Psychology, Health), <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/clemence-due-100240">Clemence Due</a>, Senior Lecturer in the School of Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a>, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/melissa-oxlad-811406">Melissa Oxlad</a>, Lecturer in the School of Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-adelaide-1119">University of Adelaide</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Shutterstock </em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/when-a-baby-is-stillborn-grandparents-are-hit-with-two-lots-of-grief-heres-how-we-can-help-122313">original article</a>.</em></p> </div>

Family & Pets

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"Our angel": AFL star's devastating family news

<p>Melbourne Demons veteran Tom McDonald and his wife Ruby have shared their heartbreak, after daughter Goldie was stillborn at 20 weeks. </p> <p>The couple shared the devastating news in an Instagram post on Wednesday, alongside a a black and white photo of the pair cradling the tiny tot in hospital.</p> <p>"At 11.55pm on Sunday night, 21st of January our gorgeous Goldie Joan McDonald was born sleeping and became our angel above," the caption read. </p> <p>"Watching over us and her siblings until we meet again in wonderland.</p> <p>"We are truly heartbroken to have lost our baby girl at 20 weeks, but know that she will be forever and always with us all," they added. </p> <p>"Thank you to everyone who has and continues to support our family, we will never be able to thank you enough for your kindness, love and care. </p> <p>"Please be patient with us as we navigate life without our Goldie girl in our arms."</p> <blockquote class="instagram-media" style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/C2dzDF_Plhu/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="14"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"> </div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <div style="padding: 12.5% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;"> <div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: 8px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: auto;"> <div style="width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;"> </div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/C2dzDF_Plhu/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A post shared by RUBY MCDONALD (@rubymcdonald___)</a></p> </div> </blockquote> <p>A few football figures took to the comments to pay their respects. </p> <p>"Thinking of you guys and sending you all the love and strength," footballer Nathan Jones wrote. </p> <p>Fellow Melbourne Demons star Steven May and midfielder Christian Petracca commented love heart emojis, while Western Bulldogs player Oskar Baker commented: "Thinking of you guys ❤️"</p> <p>The couple are parents to daughter Bella, four, and son Leo, two.</p> <p><em>Image: Instagram</em></p>

Family & Pets

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Grieving mother of stillborn baby shocked by friend’s insensitive request

<p>A mother who recently suffered a stillbirth at just 29 weeks has shared her horrifying story to the<span> </span>Choosing Beggars Subreddit.</p> <p>“I didn’t want to put this out here, but I have no choice,” the woman wrote on her Facebook page.</p> <p>“(Name crossed out) bought me some beautiful gifts for Benjamin for when he was born.</p> <p>“A soft fleece blanket, cuddly elephant, booties, some clothes and a singing toy.</p> <p>“I didn’t ask for these things; as I said, they were gifts.”</p> <p>The poster went on to explain her son Benjamin came into this world stillborn.</p> <p>“A week later (Name crossed out) messages me asking if Benjamin used or touched the things she bought because if not … she wanted them back!” the woman said.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7839056/mother-stillborn-sad-2.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/7655a5d4ab3e423ab9141b3da884cc8d" /></p> <p>The screenshots of the messages were provided by the woman, clearly in disbelief.</p> <p>“Hey, hun just wondering if u used the bits n bobs I got for the baby?” she wrote. “If not I can give them to Laura’s little one. Hope your [sic] OK and resting up hun?”</p> <p>She then followed up with another message.</p> <p>“Let me know hun before I buy more stuff, save a bit of money before Xmas, you know how it is.”</p> <p>Finally, the grieving mother responded.</p> <p>“I’m not doing OK,” she replies.</p> <p>“I’m heartbroken.”</p> <p>“I can’t believe you’re asking me at the moment, but yes I still have the things except for the blanket, he will be buried with it because it is warm and I thought it was stunning. I mean … I hope that’s OK for you?!?”</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7839057/mother-stillborn-sad-1.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/5ee618fed9964347bb13692f9d10aa12" /></p> <p>While many would have stopped while they were ahead, the friend clearly did not get the message.</p> <p>“Aww hun, sorry I know its [sic] a tough time, I’m sorry,” she wrote. “I just needed to know before I spend anymore, is there a chance you have another blanky for him babe?</p> <p>“Like you said its [sic] nice and warm and Laura’s baby can have use of that.”</p> <p>“I’ve been having a tough time myself lately so I’m here online and on my phone all the time for u if you need to chat,” she then added.</p> <p>“Let me know though about the blanket quickly though.”</p> <p>While the woman ignored the message from her friend, the texts would not stop.</p> <p>“What if I popped round tomorrow?” she wrote. “I can pick it up then babe.”</p> <p>This finally provoked a response from the poor mother.</p> <p>“No! Don’t come here, please,” she wrote. “The blanket is in with Benjamin!</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height:281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7839058/mother-stillborn-sad.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/9ba7a5144e7e4806a68d8388f04985b7" /></p> <p>“You can have the rest (of the things) I’ll drop them off at yours, don’t even think of coming here. My husband is fuming with these messages you are sending me a week after I lose my baby.</p> <p>“They’re packed in a bag … I’ll leave them at yours. The blanket is with Benjamin he is having ‘use’ out of it thank you very much.”</p> <p>The friend responded again, this time defending herself.</p> <p>Reddit users took to the comments to bash the “friend” who had wanted the items returned.</p> <p>“Imagine harassing a grieving mother over stuff that amounts to pocket change,” one person wrote.</p> <p>“I hope the woman blocks her out of her life entirely,” another aid.</p> <p>“Wow … what a garbage human.”</p> <p>The poster informed the reddit chain she has since cut the friend off completely.</p>

Relationships

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Ada Nicodemou's ex-husband shares heartbreaking tribute to stillborn son

<p>Ada Nicodemou’s ex-husband Chrys Xipolitas has shared a touching tribute to their stillborn son, Harrison, on what would have been his  fifth birthday.</p> <p>“A part of me died on this day!” Xipolitas wrote in a post on Wednesday. “Eternally grateful for the 2 beautiful healthy children I have. Not a day goes by where I don’t think what if? Today you would of turned 5.”</p> <p>The couple lost their second son on August 7, 2014 after the baby died in a stillbirth.</p> <p>Following the loss, Nicodemou took a two-month leave from <em>Home and Away</em>. </p> <p>“We understand we have lived some of our lives in the public eye. But we respectfully ask for privacy at this difficult and extremely painful time so we can grieve and heal,” Nicodemou and Xipolitas said in a statement at the time.</p> <p>A month after Harrison’s death, the actress posted a poem on her Instagram account. </p> <p>“I’ll never get to hear you laugh and giggle or see your little toes wiggle ... There are many things I will never get to do, but the hardest is not being with you,” the poem read.</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/s8w-X7GFaE/" data-instgrm-version="12"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;"><a style="color: #000; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/s8w-X7GFaE/" target="_blank">@xippo74 and I would like to thank everyone for their love and support through a very difficult time. Thank You!</a></p> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">A post shared by <a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/adanicodemou/" target="_blank"> Ada Nicodemou</a> (@adanicodemou) on Sep 14, 2014 at 7:30pm PDT</p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Nicodemou and Xipolitas split in 2016 after nine years of marriage. The pair shares son Johnas, who was conceived via in vitro fertilisation and born in 2012.</p>

Family & Pets

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“Never been the same since”: Labor’s Kristina Keneally breaks down over stillborn daughter

<p>A federal Labor senator has had an emotional breakdown as she revealed the tragic details of losing her newborn baby girl.</p> <p>Kristina Keneally’s daughter Caroline was a stillborn 20 years ago, with the politician saying the incident changed her family forever.</p> <p>Despite two decades passing, time hasn’t healed the immense pain the former NSW Premier feels as she teared up in a candid interview while recalling the devastating moment.</p> <p>“We had a funeral for her and buried her. And those days when you’re in the hospital, and you get to hold your child, but you know that you’ll never see her again,” the mother-of-three told<span> </span><em><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.9news.com.au/" target="_blank">Nine News</a>.</em></p> <p>“The thing that I struggle to come to grips with, is how going into pregnancy, I didn’t understand how often still birth occurs in Australia.”</p> <p>Senator Keneally also penned a heartfelt article for the<span> </span><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.smh.com.au/" target="_blank"><em>Sydney Morning Herald</em></a>, speaking about her loss.</p> <p>“Her birth and death cleaved my life into before and after. The trauma, grief, sorrow and pain debilitated me for a time. Our family has never been the same. There is always a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter who is missing,” she wrote.</p> <p>“In the 20 years since I gave birth to Caroline, I have gone through guilt and grief, sorrow and depression, and often anger.”</p> <p>At the time, Keneally and her husband Ben’s eldest child Daniel was only 14-months-old. The couple were later blessed with a third child, Brendan.</p> <p>Australia’s figures for stillbirth is alarming, with close to 2,200 babies being affected each year.</p> <p>According to Stillbirth Foundation Australia, the reason for death is unknown in 40 per cent of cases.</p> <p>“For 20 years, Australia has paid almost no attention to this private tragedy that occurs on a significant scale,” she wrote.</p> <p>“We did not speak of this personal grief that thousands of Australian families experience each year. We did not ask why it happens, or if we could prevent it.”</p> <p>Now, the senator has dedicated her time to raising awareness for stillbirth, as she fights for improved research and education.</p>

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