14 etiquette rules we should never have abandoned
Good manners never go out of style
Good manners evolve, but they never go out of style. If you’re skipping these social niceties, your manners may need a makeover.
RSVPing in a timely manner
Maybe it’s because people receive so many invitations or perhaps it’s because invites have become so casual, often sent via email or social media, but the fact is that RSVPing has become as rare as men removing their hats indoors. While the hat issue isn’t a big deal anymore, failing to respond to an invite is not just a breach of good etiquette but a breach of basic humanity, says etiquette expert and author of Modern Etiquette for a Better Life, Diane Gottsman. “People need to buy food, plan entertainment, and other things that take significant cost and time,” she says. “Not RSVPing or waiting until the last minute makes the host’s job infinitely harder.”
Taking off your sunglasses indoors
Go anywhere these days and you’re likely to see a variety of shaded eyes, even in indoor venues. Is everyone nursing a hangover, or is it just one more sign of our avoidance of others? “Unless you’re an A-list celebrity, don’t be shady: remove your sunglasses when greeting someone,” says etiquette expert and author of A Traveler’s Passport to Etiquette, Lisa Grotts. “Without eye contact, you can’t communicate properly, and looking at someone when they’re speaking increases understanding and shows respect.” If you’re outdoors, it’s fine to put your sunglasses on after you’ve greeted the person, but skip the shades when you’re indoors.
Returning phone calls
Etiquette changes with the times and technology has forced some interesting compromises in this area, but not all of them are good. Take, for instance, the common practice of returning a phone call with a text. “Many people don’t like to talk on the phone and feel it is an inconvenience, but if someone has made the effort to call you, it is polite to call them back – with an actual phone call,” Gottsman says. “It’s easier to hear context, and complicated or sensitive information can be shared better via voice.”
Waiting in line
Who isn’t in a hurry these days? Yet too many people feel like they’re entitled to special treatment and, as a result, they skip basic kindergarten-level niceties, like waiting in line and taking turns. Being late or impatient doesn’t mean you’re special and you get to cut to the front of the line, Grotts says. Ironically, people who jump the queue are often the ones who get the most upset when others take a shortcut. The bottom line about queues: treat others the way you’d like to be treated.
Holding the lift
Too many people have developed an unfortunate wariness of strangers or have an attitude of ‘not my problem’ when they see someone else struggling in public. However, as long as safety isn’t an issue, you should still adhere to basic niceties, like holding the lift door for someone running down the hall, Gottsman says. “Many of us don’t even realise someone needs help because we’re looking at our phones,” she explains. “You should try to be mindful of others around you.”
Being on time
Punctuality is a seriously underrated skill in today’s society. Even as things get more efficient and technology gets more accurate, it seems that we humans are finding more and more reasons to be late. This is very disrespectful, Grotts says. “When you are late, it says that your time is more important than everyone else’s.”
Opening doors for men and women
Strange views of chivalry abound, but politeness is not gender-specific, Gottsman says. “Everyone appreciates not having a door slammed in their face, and it’s so easy to do. Why wouldn’t you do that small kindness?” She adds that it’s equally important for the person for whom the door is being opened to acknowledge the kindness with a ‘thank you’ or even just a nod. Note: You don’t have to hold open the door for the next 30 people.
Remembering the little words
‘Please’. ‘Thank you’. ‘You’re welcome’. ‘May I?’ These simple words matter, Gotts says. “These basic social niceties can never be said too much and are the foundation of politeness,” she explains. “There is no excuse not to use them.”
Asking permission first
This one may seem like a no-brainer, but we live in a society that seems to go by the motto ‘it’s better to apologise than ask permission’. People often assume consent and act accordingly – whether that’s hugging someone, posting a picture of them online, or snagging a taste of their food. “It’s polite to always ask permission before doing something to or for someone else,” says Bonnie Tsai, founder and director of Beyond Etiquette. It doesn’t need to take a lot of time or involve a formal contract. Getting permission can be as simple as asking, “Are you OK with this?”
Sending thank-you notes
Everyone loves to be thanked, but hardly anyone seems to remember to do it these days. “Any way of saying thank you is wonderful, including a text or email,” Gottsman says. “But the gold standard is still a handwritten thank-you card.” Seeing your handwriting is meaningful to your loved ones, as is knowing that you took the time to do this. Plus, many people like to save these cards, and that’s much harder to do with an electronic thank-you.
Minding your own business
Gossip makes for excellent television but terrible real-life relationships, and that fact is truer than ever in this age of constant information and instant communication. “You need to be so careful about what you say, both in public and private, about others,” says Gottsman. “Not only is it not polite to speak about others behind their backs, but it protects you as well. Remember: The internet is forever!”
Standing when greeting someone new
When being introduced to someone new or greeting someone who’s coming into a group, it’s polite to stand to acknowledge them – and this is true for both men and women, Tsai says. “It shows that you are welcoming and also indicates respect.”
Apologising, sincerely, in person
Watch any news channel and you’ll see many examples of faux-apologising – pretending to say they’re sorry while not actually accepting any responsibility or changing their behaviour. This is not only terrible etiquette but also counterproductive, Gottsman says. “If you’ve made a mistake, the right thing to do is to own up to it and apologise, sincerely, in person,” she says. If you’re too far away for this to be feasible, a phone call or video chat is the next best thing. Apologising over text almost never goes well since it’s too difficult to read tone and intent.
Using good table manners
“Having proper table manners is sometimes seen as being ‘stuffy’ or ‘stuck up,’ but nothing could be further from the truth,” Gottsman says. “The whole point of practising good manners at the table is to ensure everyone has a positive, comfortable dining experience.” It’s not as tricky as you think.
Written by Charlotte Hilton Andersen. This article first appeared on Reader’s Digest. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, here’s our best subscription offer.