6 expert tips for letting go of guilt
Alison Ogier-Price, a mental health educator and vice-president of the New Zealand Association of Positive Psychology, offers some great tips on how to deal with that gnawing feeling of guilt.
It won't come as a surprise to be reminded that you can't change the past. But you may think, if only I hadn't done that. If only I could go back and undo it.
Perhaps you were hurtful to someone, or gave a bad impression, or made the wrong decision, or any of the actions we probably all do that we may live to regret... Whatever it was, the guilt lingers.
You know that thought that prods you every time it comes to mind, and it keeps coming to mind? You think time will pass and you'll forget or at least become indifferent, but you never do. Weeks, months and years later, still that thing you did pops back up only to weigh you down, and crush your spirit.
These feelings may happen occasionally, or so frequently and all-consuming that your day-to-day functioning is affected. Worst of all is the negative impact it may have on your relationships – avoiding people that you are embarrassed to see, or trying so hard with a relationship to make up for what you did.
Guilt is valuable
Feelings of guilt and regret can be very useful emotions, as they serve as a moral compass, a heads-up that something we have done is not right for us, doesn't fit with our values. We can't change the past, but clearly something needs to change for us to feel okay again, to get rid of that nibbling, gnawing feeling.
What doesn't help is replaying it over and over in your mind, trying to create a different situation of how it could have been better, when all you are doing is increasing the experience of pain and reinforcing the thoughts of guilt.
Letting go of guilt
Psychologists offer some handy tips for how to deal with these feelings to reduce their negative effects on you in the longer-term:
1. Recognise the impact that a feeling of guilt or regret is having on you, on your sense of wellbeing, on how you view yourself, on how you behave, and on your relationships with others. Be honest with yourself and recognise the feeling for what it is.
2. Take responsibility for the part you played, for what you said or did. Tell someone you can trust about it, so that you can speak it out loud, or write it down, acknowledging what happened, and reducing the power that hidden pain has over you.
3. Learn from the experience of what you said or did. Evaluate how it happened, whether you were thoughtless, behaving recklessly, or under the influence of alcohol or peer-pressure, or not being mindful of your relationship. Remind yourself that you cannot change the past, but by learning from it, you can avoid it happening again in the future.
4. Make amends if it is possible and appropriate. Firstly though, consider whether it may increase the harm to others to do so. Make sincere amends including words of personal responsibility and expressing your learning and how it changes you, and have no expectation of immediate forgiveness. Where possible, make it right, or make improvements.
5. Change the behaviour at the root of the situation. Truly reflect on it and make every effort to pay attention when something similar may be occurring. Change your behaviour. Negative effects on you, others, and your relationships will be far less if dealt with sooner, and not left to fester.
6. Accept imperfection that is inherent in all of us. We make mistakes, we use bad judgement. Like it or not, it probably won't be your last time acting in a way you will regret. Forgive yourself and love the humanity of you with all its flaws.
The most important of these tips is to learn from what we regret. Learn about what our feelings of guilt tell us about what we value. Learn how to be courageous in asking for forgiveness of others, and forgiving ourselves. And learn that we can use our experiences of guilt and regret to change and grow.
First appeared on Stuff.co.nz.
Related links:
7 ways to banish negative thoughts
How to be truly happy in today’s world
Learning to face your fears