Why you should never play favourites with your children and grandchildren
Do you have a favourite grandchild? Most people are quick to answer “no” but your behaviour may be sending a different message. The vast majority of research finds that parents do have a favourite child – around 80 per cent to be precise. The key to good parenting and grand-parenting is to realise that while it’s ok to secretly have a favourite, it’s never okay to play favourites.
Special challenges for grandparents
Avoiding favouritism can be especially challenging for grandparents. Avoiding favouritism can, at times, seem near impossible when there are often quite a number of grandchildren and so many different factors that can influence the type of relationship you have with different grandkids. These factors include variances in age, proximity, stage in life and relationship to parents.
Remember just like anyone you meet in life, some personalities click easier than others and it’s natural to feel closer to one grandchildren over another – this is quite common and ok. However what is not ok is to make those preferences known publicly – you have to make sure you keep that to yourself. Showing partiality or unequal treatment, whether intentional or not, can damage a grandparent-grandchild bond, not to mention effect the relationship with parents who are seeing it all go on.
Self-awareness is key
Most favouritism is unintentional so even if you believe absolutely you have no favourites, take an honest account of your relationship with each grandchild and try and look at things from their point of view. Because in the end, what matters most is not whether there is an actual favourite but whether children think there is and if this impacts them in any way – kids can actually be quite attuned to injustices against them. They can see anything and everything – just think of how many kids whinge about not having the exact same thing as siblings or complaining when brothers or sisters get the first pick. So even seemingly innocent actions can lead grandchildren, and parents, to suspect favouritism.
Here are some common unintentional traps to look out for:
- Favouring the first-born usually because you’ve spent the most time with this child or the youngest as they are the baby of the family.
- Favouring one gender over the other because you can relate to them more.
- A difficult grandchild with behaviour problems can be hard work but they are often the ones who need the most love and reassurance.
- Spending inconsistent amounts of time with different grandchildren such as always asking one grandchild to outings more than the other.
- Being more effusive in praise and compliments to one grandchild whereas there’s less praise (or more criticism) with other grandchildren.
- Not spending equally on grandchildren such as giving different kinds or amounts of gifts to different grandchildren
The damage can be lasting
A 2000 University of Queensland study found that favouritism has an equally negative impact on both favoured and disfavoured children. The study, led by Dr Grania Sheehan, observed family interaction and conflict resolution in 200 families of adolescent twins aged between 12 and 18. Dr Sheehan found favoured and disfavoured children were more aggressive towards their sibling, avoided resolving sibling conflict and engaged in less problem-solving behaviour during sibling conflict than children who reported equal treatment. She also found that children in families where parental favouritism existed viewed their parents more negatively.
Another 2010 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family, which looked at how favouritism effects families later in life, found that the impact of playing favourites can be long lasting. Researchers surveyed 275 mothers in their 60s and 70s with at least two adult children and found that those who were the “un-favoured” in childhood were more likely to exhibit depression in middle age.
The damage can also roll over to the relationship with parents, who could end up harbouring ill feelings if it’s perceived you favour other grandchildren over their children.
Related links:
How grandchildren of today differ to the grandkids of yesteryear
8 reasons why it’s important to read to your grandkids