How to mentally prepare for a date
Dorrie Jacobson, 81, an internationally recognised expert on ageing stylishly, writes for her popular website Senior Style Bible. She also writes about senior sexuality and her experiences with dating as an older woman.
Once you’ve taken some time to pamper yourself, you will be looking and feeling beautiful, self-confident and ready to take on the world. At this point, you’re almost ready to plunge into the dating game, but not quite yet. There’s one more step to go. It’s important to be mentally prepared. That means taking the time to do an honest inventory of your emotions, expectations and attitudes about men in general. You can’t expect a good outcome if you go into dating carrying the baggage of your last relationship. You need to be in a good place to accept a new relationship. If you are still mourning a loss, or harbouring anger over a divorce or breakup, then you may need to talk that through with a friend or a therapist in order to let it go. All of us have had bad experiences in our lives that can affect future relationships and our ability to trust. We need to accept that it is a part of life, grow from those experiences and leave them behind us. It’s impossible to focus on the future with one foot embedded in the past.
Once you are free of any anger or negative feelings, it’s time to decide what you are looking for in your next relationship. Have you really thought about it? Most of us tend to simply fall into relationships without really considering what we want and need to make us happy. These things constantly change, so it’s essential to take stock of where you are in your life and what you are looking for. Is it a friend, a casual relationship with or without physical intimacy, love or marriage? Are you willing to relocate for Mr. Right? How important is his education, financial status, politics, religion and family to you? Is it important that you have common interests? Before you plunge into dating or a relationship, these are important things to consider.
I say this because when I first started dating, I did not take the time to seriously consider what I was looking for. As a result, I didn’t realize that I was settling for less than I really wanted. I can tell you from experience, that settling doesn’t work. I initially began dating again as a senior about seven years ago. I decided to get back out there several months after my third husband died. He was the love of my life, but life goes on and I was lonely, so I decided to give online dating a whirl. After several months, and many unsuccessful dates, I met a very nice man with whom I shared many interests and fell into a comfortable, but loveless relationship. I suppose I told myself that this was as close as I would get to “Mr. Right” and that no man could replace my husband, so I settled for a compromise. That relationship lasted for two years. Sadly, he developed Alzheimer’s and is now living in a care facility. We are still great friends and I see him often, but I’m back to dating again, having learnt a very important lesson… this time around I definitely won’t settle or compromise what I’m looking for in a man. If I enter into another committed relationship it will have to include love.
Please note that I have specified “committed relationship” because I am not opposed to exploring the possibility of a “friend with benefits.” I think we are savvy enough to recognize that times have changed and today a satisfying sexual relationship does not always need to be an affair of the heart. For many seniors, this is quite a new concept, and one that takes some time and consideration. It’s not for everyone, however there’s nothing wrong with wanting physical intimacy and companionship without feeling the need to pursue a committed relationship. Many seniors have already had their “big love” and are emotionally committed to that memory. I have spoken to many women who like living on their own, and are not looking to remarry, but crave affection, physical intimacy and the occasional companionship of a man.
On the flip side of the coin, there are some women simply looking friendship or a romantic but non-physical relationship. I have spoken to many women who seem to have lost the desire for sexual intimacy after menopause. This is a subject I will be discussing in much greater depth, but for now, let’s look at that from a relationship standpoint. If you are not interested in physical intimacy, then that is something that you need to be clear about when dating. Some men will be willing to enter into a relationship that does not include a sexual component, and some will not, but it requires an honest and open chat from the beginning. I know that sounds daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. The subject doesn’t have to be broached in a serious manner in the first five minutes, but after a few dates you should feel comfortable enough to have a casual, light-hearted conversation about sex that leads to discussing where you both are. Let’s not forget that despite the Viagra revolution, some older men still have performance issues, and may very well be looking for the same type of companionship. Don’t be afraid to be honest. It may feel awkward talking about something so personal with a virtual stranger, and occasionally it is, but awkward moments can be funny. So have a laugh about it. There’s really no painless, short cut when getting to know someone new. Sorry ladies, if I had a magic recipe for cutting through the hard stuff, I would share it, but I don’t. However, I promise that you will walk away from many of these encounters laughing really hard. These stories will make great cocktail conversation with your friends, I promise.
The last step of mentally preparing to date, is preparing for some rejection. Yes, no matter how wonderful you are, it will probably happen. You go out on that first date, have a great time and you never hear from him again. It’s part of the game and you cannot take it to personally. You will probably never know the reason why he didn’t call and it really does not matter. Getting out there means taking risks and that can be scary. It means accepting that dating will inevitably include some disappointment. Senior dating is not really much different than dating was when we were in our teens and twenties. It can be fun, funny, wonderful and occasionally hurtful. It’s a numbers game and you need to prepare yourself for the failures, as well as the fun. I have been doing this for a few years now, and I have met some wonderful people, but you have to go into it with the right attitude. It takes time and you may have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a Prince. If you can keep it light-hearted and enjoy the process of meeting new people, you will automatically exude the right attitude without even trying.
For more of Dorrie Jacobson, please visit Senior Style Bible or her popular Instagram here.
Did this help you with pre-date jitters? Let us know in the comments below.
Related links:
How to meet people without online dating
6 expert tips to dealing with rejection
The best places to meet new people