How to stop being so nice and set boundaries
Do you ever feel like you do so much for others and it just goes unnoticed? Do you give people your help and advice, even though it eats into your own time? You might be an “over-giver”, which is a common issue (especially for women). The good news it can be turned around.
Everyone needs to be able to say “no” to people at times, without feeling guilty about it. It is not up to you to stop other people from feeling upset or disappointed because you couldn’t do what they wanted you to do.
Instead, follow our tips below so that you can learn how to put yourself first and not be a doormat for others.
Watch out for people that take too much from you
These people want to get the most benefit for themselves without offering much back. These are the first people you need to identify. From there you can notice their behaviour and respond appropriately – for instance, “No you can make your own lunch today son, you are 27 years old”. These people have come to depend on you because you never let them hear the word “no” – this is about to change.
Remember that you need to give to yourself too
For some people, they feel good about themselves by being helpful to friends or indispensible at work. But other people can take advantage and you might just end up doing everything for everyone. It’s important to look after yourself too. We all need time to recharge, relax and take care of our own needs. So don’t feel guilty about not cancelling your hair appointment when you’re asked to babysit for the grandkids. You’ve earned it.
Keep your eyes out for red flags
Sometimes we do want to do a favour for a friend, because we really care about them and we know they would do the same for us. But you’ll know the difference between these and other friends – because when you say, “Sorry I can’t help you out” to a true friend they will not pester you about it or make you feel guilty. A true friend likes you for yourself and not for what you can offer them.
Voice your concerns loudly and clearly
Often those close to you will be the worst time-zappers, because you have always been there for them and they don’t know that you don’t want to be. If you’ve never spoken about your boundaries with your close friends and family, now is the time. For instance you might say to a friend that they can call you anytime, but that you normally go to bed at 10pm just so that they know not to call you later than that unless it’s an emergency. Or you could say to your children that you are happy to babysit, but not on Fridays when you have your art class (and also that you expect the kids to be picked up on time).
Start off with a gentle refusal
If the idea of saying “no” has you feeling a little nervous, why not try a gentler approach at first. For instance you could say “Sure I will help you move house, but I can only give you two hours as I have plans later that day”. This way you are still helping (if you want to) but you are setting clear boundaries.
Have you had to cut people out of your life that were over-takers? We would love to hear your story in the comments.
Related links:
6 important reasons why we need good friends
9 tips to help you feel connected to others