Friendship-acquaintance theory works out who your true friends are
How many friends do you have? Now honestly, how many of these would you count as your true friends?
Sydneysider Mobinah Ahmad was so tired of navigating a world of vague and tenuous friendships she decided to create a “friendship and acquaintance theory” to manage expectations. Since being published online late in 2015, the six stage theory has attracted worldwide attention – both good and bad.
“I have so many friends on Facebook, like hundreds and hundreds of friends,” she explained on ABC‘s 7.30 program last night.
“Out of the 400 Facebook friends that I have, I would say I have one to two real friends. Facebook is such a superficial way of keeping in contact with someone.”
Using a questionnaire, Ahmad divided her group of friends (which excludes partners, relatives and co-workers) into six categories.
"What I define as a friend is what most people would define as a best friend," she says.
"So someone who you talk to regularly, you have a very close connection to, you can turn to. If you asked me how many friends I have, I would say maybe one."
Ahmad’s theory has garnered worldwide attention. Some claim her theory alienates people, while others have said it has helped them with their friendship groups.
Here is Mobinah’s six stage friendship-acquaintance theory as originally written:
PreAcquaintance (10% of people I know)
• We don’t know each other.
• We know their each other’s name only.
Acquaintance Level 1: To know of someone (20% of people I know)
• We know of each other through mutual friends/acquaintances.
• We met briefly at a party/social event/university
• You’re a work colleague or business client (who I haven’t spent much time with)
• We run into each other now and then by coincidence
• Convenient Interactions Meeting up is not planned, and only because it is convenient and easy.
• Details about each other are superficial.
Acquaintance Level 2: Liking & Preliminary Care (30% of people I know.)
• We went to school/uni together, or have known you for a long period of time.
• We usually meet in groups, rarely one on one.
• If you needed my help, I would actively participate in helping them to the best of my ability.
• I can handle a 20 minute small talk chat with you, any longer and I will get bored.
Acquaintance Level 3: Significant Connection & Care (25% of people I know.)
• We have a really good connection.
• We have some very meaningful talks
• We care a lot about each other.
• We don’t see each other all that much, just now and then when we plan to meet.
PreFriend aka Potential Friend (14% of people I know)
• Someone I wish were a friend (as defined below and NOT as society currently defines it)
• I want to spend more time with this person and establish a proper friendship with them.
Friend: Mutual Feelings of Love (1% of people I know)
• I care immensely in every domain of their life (academic, physical, mental wellbeing), how their relationships with their loved ones are. I also care about their thoughts, ideas, elations and fears.
• I can easily give my honest opinion and thoughts.
• This person notices when I am upset through subtle indications.
• I see this person regularly and feel totally comfortable to contact them for a deep and meaningful talk.
• Someone who takes initiative and makes sacrifices to work on this friendship.
• Mutual trust, respect, admiration, forgiveness and unconditional care.
Note: If it’s not mutual, then we’re not friends.
Further Notes:
1. There is no shame in being an acquaintance. I think society has made the word derogatory and that is why it seems offensive. It’s just about being honest.
2. Friendship is not that complicated to me (I know, the irony of making up a theory and calling it uncomplicated). There may be a small few that cannot be categorised because there is history and shades of grey but I look at my relationship with most people as being black or white, categorized, uncomplicated.
3. The theory is flexible in the sense that people can go up or down the levels and understands that throughout a dynamic friendship, people become closer or further apart from each other.
4. My theory originates from personal experiences. I realise that one of my biggest vulnerabilities is that I’m too sentimental; this theory combats this problem quite efficiently.
5. I understand that this theory cannot be applied to everyone, but it significantly helps me.
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Related links:
Great conversation starters for any situation
The essential traits of good friends