The four horsemen of toxic relationships revealed
Alex Scot, a TikTok relationship coach, has shared the ‘toxic’ warning signs to look out for for a successful relationship.
In a series of videos on her account, Scot explains The Gottman’s Institute’s ‘Four Horsemen’ of an apocalyptic relationship, including contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness and criticism.
When these four things are present in a relationship, Scot says it is more likely to end in a break-up or divorce.
Though Scot says society has “kind of normalised these behaviours”, they shouldn’t be considered normal and are “statistically proven to be the initial predictors of divorces or breakups”.
“I’m here to shine a big red flag so that you can stay away from them,” she says in one of the videos.
1. Contempt
The worst of the four, according to Scot, is contempt.
“Contempt is when you talk down to your partner as if you are superior and they are less than,” Scot says.
Acting with contempt can include disrespectful behaviour such as eye-rolling, mocking a partner, scoffing, using sarcasm, or mimicking them.
The Gottman Institute first published a breakdown of the research-based concept of the Four Horsemen of the end of a relationship, and says contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce.
2. Getting defensive
The Gottman Institute says defensiveness, the second horseman, is “nearly omnipresent” when relationships start to get rocky.
“If a partner brings up something they don’t like, you respond in defence of that behaviour instead of hearing them out and being open to changing,” Scot says.
Acting defensively in this way can be a sign to our partner that “we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes”, according to the Gottman Institute.
3. Stonewalling
Stonewalling - also known as the silent treatment - is seen frequently in society.
“Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive manoeuvres such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviour,” the Gottman Institute says.
A stonewaller often shuts down and withdraws from the interaction or opts to not respond to their partner at all.
4. Criticism
The final horseman goes beyond a simple critique, with Scot saying this kind of criticism attacks the core of the partner’s character.
“There’s a difference between criticising your partner’s character or behaviour on the whole, versus criticising something that took place specifically, an event, or situation,” Scot says.
Solutions
While identifying that we behave in any of these ways can be disheartening, we can turn things around before it’s too late.
Adopting “antidote” behaviours can help move the relationship in the right direction.
For example, Scot says emphasising your feelings and needs by using “I” statements instead of “you” statements can help curb criticism.