Dan Andrews' statue mystery unfolds
Melbourne is abuzz with a burning question: where, oh where, will the statue of former premier Daniel Andrews be placed? More importantly, will it capture his iconic North Face jacket-clad form, standing proud in the face of lockdown chaos?
Yes, it appears that a bronze likeness of the man who guided (and locked) Victoria through some of its toughest years is in the works. The Herald Sun recently revealed that the Allan government has confirmed that Dan Andrews will soon be immortalised in Melbourne, joining the ranks of past Victorian premiers like John Cain Jr, Rupert Hamer and Henry Bolte – legends who, let's be honest, didn’t have to worry about memorialising themselves in the middle of a pandemic-fuelled political firestorm.
But the government isn’t spilling all the tea just yet. They’ve refused to say exactly where Dan's statue will stand or how much it will cost us. Will it be along the esteemed Treasury Place? Or will they go for something a little more subtle – like a sneaky placement next to a suburban train station, so you can admire his bronzed visage while waiting for a delayed train? Or even – as one disgruntled Facebook user suggested – "at the bottom of the Yarra River"?
It's been reported that the statue could easily cost north of $100,000, but what’s a little six-figure sum when you’re eternally freezing a man in time who made your curfew 8pm sharp?
The statute eligibility stems from Andrews' 3000-day reign as premier, a milestone introduced by former premier Jeff Kennett, who, sadly, never reached the magic number. It’s almost like Kennett set the bar just to have Dan leap right over it. We’re picturing Kennett in his living room, shaking his fist at a calendar – he could’ve been immortalised in bronze, but alas, his term was cut short. He’s now left without the joy of being a bronzed footnote in history.
Meanwhile, sculptor Peter Corlett, the mastermind behind the previous premier statues, has been pondering what pose should immortalise Andrews. Should it be the famous “fists in the air” moment from his 2022 election victory – a rare, almost gladiatorial display of emotion for the typically stoic Andrews? Or will the statue take inspiration from his pandemic press conferences, with him wrapped in his signature North Face jacket, standing solid, as if braving the cold front of public opinion? Perhaps he’ll be gesturing towards an unseen map, locking down regions in real-time. For extra authenticity, pigeons could be programmed to circle around, completing the press conference vibe.
While the government is busy with this monument of monumental importance, Opposition finance spokeswoman Jess Wilson has questioned whether now is the best time for such a grand expense. After all, it’s hard to be thrilled about bronze when you’re facing surging crime and hospital wait times that feel longer than the five-day snap lockdown that wasn’t so snappy. Her argument? "Maybe taxpayers would prefer a statue of a budget surplus instead."
Of course, there are some whispers suggesting that perhaps Victoria could consider honouring a leading female figure instead. You know, just to mix things up a little in the boys’ club of bronze. But for now, Dan Andrews seems set to be cast in metal.
So, while we wait to discover where this shiny new addition to the Melbourne cityscape will be unveiled, we can start placing our bets. Will it be along Treasury Place? Will it be out in the suburbs, standing sentinel in the middle of a roundabout? Or – dare we dream – will it be perched right outside the North Face store, ensuring Melbourne’s most iconic premier (and jacket wearer) is always in fashion?
Let the statue speculation begin. And remember, as you ponder the deep mysteries of bronze premier placement, at least this time, you’re not in lockdown.
Image: Shutterstock